Bedsores

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ON DREAMS

I had a dream that the world ended, but Donald Trump was still President of America.  The world ending made it hard for President Trump to build a wall.  There was no place to build a wall, and there were no people to keep out.  But President Trump built the wall anyway.  The wall went on to star in its own Unreality TV show.



A group of hostages, who were being held hostage by fruit gone bad, took me hostage.  The hostages said that they would let me go if I woke up.  I woke up and they let me go.



I dreamed I was sleeping and awoke to discover my dream was true.



A bus claimed that I got it pregnant.  It was hard to tell the bus was pregnant because it was naturally big.  
I wasn't sure I was the father.  I remember sleeping on the bus, but I don't remember sleeping with the bus.
How relieved I felt when the bus gave birth to a broom.  I knew I wasn't the father.



I dreamed that my cell phone lost me, and I was never found.

CAT THOUGHTS

What do cats think?


Shall I give that human a thrill by allowing it to pet me? 

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No, I won't sleep on the couch in the morning.  I'll sleep upstairs on the bed.  In the afternoon I'll come down and sleep on the couch.

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Gosh these humans are not very clean.  Don't they ever lick themselves?

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What's with them?  Don't they care about my conscientious efforts?  I am so meticulous about burying my poop, and then they carelessly dig it up and throw it away!

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Why don't they let me walk on the kitchen counter?  Do I stop them from walking on my floor?

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Yuck!  Did those filthy humans give me fleas?

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I don't understand.  Those humans are supposed to be intelligent.  Why can't they learn to meow properly?

TIPS ON STAYING SAFE

Avoid violent people especially people who are violent.


Never make soup with gasoline or any other flammable liquid.  (How come flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?)


Keep away from war zones.


Never jump off a cliff unless it is 2 feet (61 cm) high or less. 


Don't breathe underwater near a nuclear power plant.


When eating, always eat the food and not the spoons, forks, knives and dishes.


Never make friends with a suicide bomber.  


Never invite lions and tigers and bears to parties.


Don't lift anything that weighs more than 2 tons.


Never sleep on the road.


Never eat more than one dictionary per meal.


Beware of sudden endings.

 

QUESTIONS ABOUT HEALTH

Do fish take human-oil supplements?

Is it true that heart attacks hate healthy diets and exercise?

Is yoga the yellow part of a Vedic egg?

Is there such a thing as ugly sleep?

Would you be healthy if your caca smelled like perfume?

Can you lose weight by cutting off your head?

Does death relieve stress?

IF I WAS NOT A FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN . . .

If I wasn't a funny bone technician, then I would like to work at:

- Being a guide human for blind dogs;

- Being paid to be shade for the Sun;

- Being a dictionary to give meaning to everything;

- Being an employee of a home for chewed food;

- Making catalogues of all the catalogues in the world; 

- Being the space in some peoples' heads;

- Building airplanes so more time can fly;

- Having a garden of peas for the world (World Peas);

- Teaching creative sensitivity to help people get their poetic license;

And finally, if I was not a funny bone technician, then I would like to be the stuff that dreams are made on, and round my little life with sleep.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . .

SOMETHING FUNNY

There!  I did it.  I wrote Something Funny.  I hope it made you laugh.

Some say that it is hard to write Something Funny.  I find it quite easy.  Something Funny.  See?  I just did it again.

I find the following hard to write: 

- Instructions on how to give a headache to an aspirin 

- Advice on how to love your neighbor when you live in a  Black Hole

- How to program a cell phone to do laundry

- How to get your purse or pocket to answer your cell phone when your voice mail is full

- An essay titled, The Use Of Words In Literature

- Instructions on how to use the Dewey Decimal System to file socks and underwear

- About erectile dysfunction

- About rocks, concrete and steel
 

I also find it hard to write when I am asleep, and sometimes
I find it hard to write blog endings.

AM I ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE MIRROR?

"How did you meet your wife?" asks one germ   to another.
"Oh," says the other germ, "we met in a              hospital."
  

 

A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE?

I went to bed wondering, "Whatever became of me?"   Asking myself such questions helps me to fall asleep.  Some other questions I have asked myself before falling asleep are, "Am I a pigment of my imagination?"  "Do ideas come from the same place as dust?"  "Should I buy green bananas on December 20, 2012?"

Sometime during the night, I awoke to find my myself out of my body travelling down a dark, mysterious tunnel.  I was moving towards this glorious, loving Light at the tunnel's end.   The Light was bright, but not blinding.   Its unconditional love encompassed me even though I was still in the tunnel.

Suddenly, I decided to turn around and go back to my body.  I had forgotten my wallet.