MY NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE

I'm not sure how I died.  The last thing I remember was eating Einstein's Theory of Relativity, and then I blacked out.  I must have choked or something.  I found myself floating through a tunnel.  I saw graffiti on the tunnel's wall:

ATHEIST GO HOME!

MY HEAVEN IS BETTER THAN YOUR HEAVEN

GOD LOVES EVERYTHING EXCEPT SOULS WHO SCRIBBLE ON HIS TUNNEL WALLS

A light at the end of the tunnel grew brighter and brighter.  "If I was as bright as that light,"  I thought, "then I would not have to struggle to come up with blogs."

The tunnel ended.  There I was surrounded by a loving bright white light.  My whole life passed before me.  I felt the consequences of all my actions and thoughts.  I even felt the pain I had caused the spermatozoa that died in the shower when I was a teenager, and again as an adult after I was married. 

Suddenly I was back in my body after I heard a deep loving voice say, "Go back.  Go back.  It is your time, but we don't want you here."

AN EXPERIENCE OUT OF MY BODY

Suddenly I was out of my body and in a long dark tunnel.  I could see a bright light at the end.  I also saw two golden arches.  I felt myself floating towards the bright light and two golden arches.

I saw a McDonald's just outside the tunnel when I reached the end.  I went inside.  I saw several dead relatives and friends sitting at the tables.  All of them gave me the *OhNo!-NoLook.  Why?  I shower regularly with both my physical and astral bodies.  My breath did not smell.  Why didn't they want to talk to me?  Who knows?

I walked out of the McDonald's and into the bright, white loving light.  Immediately I started a review of my life.  This life review no sooner started when the announcer said that they were preempting my life review for a baseball game.  The baseball game was between the Shopping Mall Security Guards and the Homeless People.  Apparently souls in the afterlife are huge fans of these two teams.  

Why would anyone bother watching this game?  Everyone can correctly guess the outcome: the Shopping Mall Security Guards will win.  Why?  Because the Homeless People will fall asleep somewhere on the field during the game.   

The announcer told me that it was not my time.  I felt a jolt, and I was back in my body sitting at a computer typing this blog.

*OhNo!–NoLook – When you see someone you know, in a public place, and pretend that you did not see him or her.  You look in every direction instead of into the person’s eyes hoping that he or she does not see you.

  

Who pays the electric bill for the white light people see after they die?

A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE?

I went to bed wondering, "Whatever became of me?"   Asking myself such questions helps me to fall asleep.  Some other questions I have asked myself before falling asleep are, "Am I a pigment of my imagination?"  "Do ideas come from the same place as dust?"  "Should I buy green bananas on December 20, 2012?"

Sometime during the night, I awoke to find my myself out of my body travelling down a dark, mysterious tunnel.  I was moving towards this glorious, loving Light at the tunnel's end.   The Light was bright, but not blinding.   Its unconditional love encompassed me even though I was still in the tunnel.

Suddenly, I decided to turn around and go back to my body.  I had forgotten my wallet.