AN EXPERIENCE OUT OF MY BODY

Suddenly I was out of my body and in a long dark tunnel.  I could see a bright light at the end.  I also saw two golden arches.  I felt myself floating towards the bright light and two golden arches.

I saw a McDonald's just outside the tunnel when I reached the end.  I went inside.  I saw several dead relatives and friends sitting at the tables.  All of them gave me the *OhNo!-NoLook.  Why?  I shower regularly with both my physical and astral bodies.  My breath did not smell.  Why didn't they want to talk to me?  Who knows?

I walked out of the McDonald's and into the bright, white loving light.  Immediately I started a review of my life.  This life review no sooner started when the announcer said that they were preempting my life review for a baseball game.  The baseball game was between the Shopping Mall Security Guards and the Homeless People.  Apparently souls in the afterlife are huge fans of these two teams.  

Why would anyone bother watching this game?  Everyone can correctly guess the outcome: the Shopping Mall Security Guards will win.  Why?  Because the Homeless People will fall asleep somewhere on the field during the game.   

The announcer told me that it was not my time.  I felt a jolt, and I was back in my body sitting at a computer typing this blog.

*OhNo!–NoLook – When you see someone you know, in a public place, and pretend that you did not see him or her.  You look in every direction instead of into the person’s eyes hoping that he or she does not see you.

  

THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE . . .

 . . . Jian Ghomeshi interviewing Bill Cosby on the topic: Opportunities For Women In The Workplace.

. . . Wonder Woman having sex with The Incredible Hulk.

. . . The death notice for the Dead Sea. (Did it leave a will?)

. . . God admit that He goofed when He created human beings.

. . . Human beings admit that they goofed when they created God.

. . . A war where both sides use toy guns only.

. . . A cow having a hamburger at McDonald's.

. . . A foot with a mouth in it.

. . . A politician answer a question.

. . . A humble bumbling bumblebee.

 . . . A pair of glasses pass an eye test.

. . . The beginning of The End.

WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?

January 6, 2015 already?  Last year this time it was January 6, 2014.  Two years ago it was January 6, 2013.  I think I see a pattern.

How come time goes so fast?  It seems as if it was only yesterday that I was in Grade 3 and being yelled at for picking my nose.  And wasn't it only this morning that I was 35 years old and graduating from high school?  Where does the time go?

Here are some of the reasons time goes so fast:

- Time has the runs;

- Time rushes to try to catch Now becoming Then;

- Time wants to get to McDonald's before the breakfast menu ends;

- Time is trying to shake off its past;

- Time is trying to go back in time to change its past;

- Time is about to give birth;

- Time is late for its appointment with its therapist;

   (Time constantly sees a therapist to deal with the emotional trauma caused by people beating the clock.)

- Time is addicted to methamphetamine;

- Time slept in and is late for Eternity.

These are only a some of the reasons time goes so fast.  Are these reasons true?  Time will tell. 

BREAKING NEWS

MAD COW STORMS MCDONALD'S AND MASSACRES 67 PEOPLE WHILE HAMBURGERS WATCH AND CHEER!

*

PLASTIC SURGEON MELTS - LIGHTS TOO HOT IN OPERATING ROOM

*

HISTORIANS DISCOVER THAT COLUMBUS COULD NOT SIT STILL.

*

POLICE FIND SUSPECT IN DICTIONARY

 (IT WAS BEFORE SUSPEND AND AFTER SUSHI)

*

EIFFEL TOWER LOVES FRENCH FRIES!

*

STONEHENGE ROCKS!

*

VOICES ESCAPE THROUGH HOLE IN HEAD!

* 

VANDALS SMASH GLASS REPORT OF RECENT EVENTS.

HOW COME THIS BLOG ENTRY HAS NO TITLE?

Is McDonald's owned by self-hating cows?


Why doesn't the church rent out miracles?


Why don't university diplomas come with parking spaces.  You may never use the knowledge that got you the diploma, but you can always use a parking space.


Does chocolate ever get depressed and crave women?


What does a couch do for exercise?


Do fish go back to school?


Does this blog, with no title, have an ending?  

WHAT DO I KNOW?

What do I know about restaurants?  I always thought that Dairy Queen was a cross-dressing milk farmer.

 I always thought that McDonald's was the home of E, I, E, I, and O.

 I always thought that Starbucks was money from space.


What do I know about books?  I always thought that a library was a place for lies.

I always thought that Nancy Drew was something Nancy did.

I always thought that Shakespeare was an activity for angry savages.


What do I know about exercise?  I always thought that pushups and situps were divisions of U.P.S.

I always thought that yoga was the yellow part of of egg.

I always thought that jogging had something to do with cutting down trees.


What do I know? 

"Hey guys. Wouldn't it be simpler if we just went to McDonald's?"

AT YOUR SERVICE . . .

What services do I provide?  Many.  Here are some of them:

• To the letters of the alphabet, I provide words.
• To ideas, I provide expression.
• To my Facebook friends, I provide a Wall to write on.
• To my kids and family, I provide embarrassment.
• To my ex-wife, I provide someone to blame.
• To the group Termites Against Steel, I provide my support.
• To the public, I provide someone to judge and feel superior to.
• To the environment, I provide carbon dioxide and other environmentally-friendly stuff.
• To the government,  I reluctantly provide money.
• To various sane and insane voices,  I provide the space inside my head.
• To homeless viruses, germs and diseases,  I provide temporary shelter. 

 And to my fellow human beings, I provide laughter as we trudge towards Eternity where McDonald's, Starbucks, and Walmart wait to welcome us.