Signs Only In Heaven

AN OVERDUE RENOVATION

Dear God,

     Isn't it time you renovated Heaven?  It's been the same since Eternity.  How about updating its look?

     Get rid of the clouds.  They're bland.  I know that the white clouds match the white gowns everyone wears.  Why not change the decor and allow people to wear what they want?  Why does everyone have to wear the same thing?  Is there a commandment stating that all dead people have to dress alike?

As for the furniture?  Keep the same simple atmosphere by getting some easy-to-assemble stuff from Ikea.  I'm sure Ikea will give you a discount with you being God.  Just make sure you bring three pieces of identification to prove who you are.  You can give Heaven a simple and modern look without spending too much money.

And while you're at it, Hell could use some air-conditioning.  The people there are starting to complain.  Thanks. 

ROCKS AND SKY

Do rocks die?

And what about the sky?

Does the sky die?

If rocks and the sky die, then where do their souls go?  Heaven?  Are there rocks and sky in Heaven?  Is there a separate Heaven just for the souls of rocks and the sky?

What if the rocks and sky were bad?  Would they go to Hell?  But how can rocks and the sky be bad?  What could they do other than being rocks and the sky?  Being what they are isn't bad.

What about their wills?  What would a rock and the sky leave?  To whom or what would they leave it?

I, Rock, being of sound mind and minerals, leave all my rockiness to the ground . . .  

I, Sky, being of sound mind and atmosphere, leave all my air to the clouds . . . 

We could survive with dead rocks.  Lots of people have dead rocks in their heads.  But a dead sky?  How will survive if the sky dies? 

WHAT IF I HAD A WEEK TO LIVE?

What would I do if I had a week to live?  I would give away my prized collection of roll-on deodorant balls.  I am not sure to whom.

On the day before I was to die, I would get a haircut and make sure I was well groomed.  Then I would dress up in the ugliest, polyester suit I have, with an ugly shirt and tie, and drink lots of alcohol.  I want to be the worst dressed person at my funeral, and well preserved.

That way the undertaker would not have to dress or embalm me and my funeral would cost less.  The money I saved would be put towards a down payment on a cloud just inside the pearly gates.

How do I know that I am going to Heaven?  Satan sent God a petition signed by the billions and billions residents of Hell stating that they don't want me there.  I don't know why and don't care.

MY NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE

I'm not sure how I died.  The last thing I remember was eating Einstein's Theory of Relativity, and then I blacked out.  I must have choked or something.  I found myself floating through a tunnel.  I saw graffiti on the tunnel's wall:

ATHEIST GO HOME!

MY HEAVEN IS BETTER THAN YOUR HEAVEN

GOD LOVES EVERYTHING EXCEPT SOULS WHO SCRIBBLE ON HIS TUNNEL WALLS

A light at the end of the tunnel grew brighter and brighter.  "If I was as bright as that light,"  I thought, "then I would not have to struggle to come up with blogs."

The tunnel ended.  There I was surrounded by a loving bright white light.  My whole life passed before me.  I felt the consequences of all my actions and thoughts.  I even felt the pain I had caused the spermatozoa that died in the shower when I was a teenager, and again as an adult after I was married. 

Suddenly I was back in my body after I heard a deep loving voice say, "Go back.  Go back.  It is your time, but we don't want you here."

JOB LAYOFFS

Here are some people we would love to see laid-off:

• Doctors because people are too healthy;
• Funeral Directors for obvious reasons;
• Police because not enough crime; and 
• Tow truck drivers because no accidents and car breakdowns.

We now join God in His boss' office . . . 

"I'm sorry, God," says God's boss, "but not enough people believe in you for us to continue to keep you on as Ruler of the Universe.  We have a generous severance package which includes medical and dental benefits, and career counselling with assistance finding another job.  It is such a generous package that we know your lawyer won't want any changes when he or she looks it over."
"I have one request," says God.
"Yes?" asks His boss.
"Can you ask Satan to lend me a lawyer.  There aren't any in Heaven."
"Will do."
"Thanks.  What will happen to the Universe?" asks God.
"We will close it down."
"But what about the people of Earth?" asks God.
"Don't worry," says God's boss, "they'll be too busy watching television, playing computer games, or reading blogs to notice."

SOME PROVERBS FROM THE OTHER WORLD

A cowardly friend is better than a fearful acquaintance.

A handful of patience is only for a gigantic doctor.

Fire is hot most of the time.

Those who are first are not second.

A fish on a hook is worth two at a baseball game. 

A rich person may go to Heaven and stick a needle in the eye of a camel.

Haste makes waste and serves it with red wine.

A squirrel with no teeth eventually goes nuts.

A fool and his money are the root of all evil.

IF ONLY WE COULD HEAR . . .

"People who live in me should be neat."
                                                - A Glass House


"It's not fair that the paper charged me with sexual assault.  I was only rubbing out pencil marks."
                                                - An Eraser


"I know the meaning of life!"
                                                - A Dictionary


"I wish people would piss off and not in me!"
                                                - A Swimming Pool


"How can I see so many soles and not be in Heaven or Hell?"
                                                 - A Floor


"One day I hope to be a great novel."
                                                  - A Tree


"How the hell can I be the new black?"
                                                   - An Orange


"Okay.  Enough!  It's time for a change."
                                                   - The Climate

  

 

HOW MANY CELL PHONES . . .

Q:  Why did the cell phone cross the road?
A:   A chicken was using it and asking, "Can you hear me now?  Can you hear me now?"

Q:  Why don't cell phones use drugs?
A:  Because they are already wired.

Q:  How many cell phones does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  Changing light bulbs is not in the contract.

Q:  What happened when a cell phone died and went to Heaven?

A:  St. Peter sent it back with a new battery. 

SUITCASES? WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT SUITCASES?

Q: Why did the suitcase cross the road?
A: No one knows why, or where it got its legs.

 

Q: How many suitcases does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One -- with a little help from a human.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change 

     suitcase?
A:  Knock knock, to get to the other side.
                   (This joke submitted by Salvador Dali)

Q: What do you call a suitcase with a broken

      handle?
A:  A box.

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The suitcase says, "I'll have an Aviation, please.  It reminds me of where I see my friends."

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender says, "An Aviation, right?"

The suitcase says, "No, thank you.  This time I'll have a Screwdriver.  I want to fix my broken handle."

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The suitcase says, "I have just enough room in me for a Blue Blazer, thanks."

A man walks into a bar pulling a wagon with a suitcase on it.  The bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer please."
"And for the suitcase?" asks the bartender.

"Nothing," says the man.  "He's on the wagon."

A suitcase dies and goes to Heaven.  St. Peter meets it at the gate and says, "Finally!  I thought the airline had lost you forever."   

JUDGEMENT DAY?

A Christian group claims that the world will end Saturday May 21, 2011.  On this date, Jesus will  come back to take all the goodies up to Heaven, and leave the baddies to burn in Hell forever and ever, Amen.  Of course this happens with the approval of a God that loves "unconditionally."

What will be the excuse, or excuses, this group will come up with on Sunday May 22, 2011?  Our calculations were off?  God changed His mind?  Jesus wasn't feeling well?   Jesus' chariot broke down?   The Rapture ruptured?  We forgot that Heaven is closed on weekends?  The dog ate my Bible?  The Devil made us say it?               The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup?   What will their excuse be for the world not ending? 


(I have an asbestos suit ready just in case.)