What would I do if I had a week to live? I would give away my prized collection of roll-on deodorant balls. I am not sure to whom.
On the day before I was to die, I would get a haircut and make sure I was well groomed. Then I would dress up in the ugliest, polyester suit I have, with an ugly shirt and tie, and drink lots of alcohol. I want to be the worst dressed person at my funeral, and well preserved.
That way the undertaker would not have to dress or embalm me and my funeral would cost less. The money I saved would be put towards a down payment on a cloud just inside the pearly gates.
How do I know that I am going to Heaven? Satan sent God a petition signed by the billions and billions residents of Hell stating that they don't want me there. I don't know why and don't care.
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