WISHES AND THE THINGS THAT MADE THEM

"I wish I could fly."

- A Pant Zipper

"I wish I knew the meaning of life."

- A Dictionary

"I wish I could be sharp always."

- A Pencil

"I wish I could vibrate all the time."

- A Cell Phone

"I wish they wouldn't make me creak so much."

   - A bed

"I wish people would let me chair a meeting."

 - A Chair

"I'm up!  I'm down!  I'm up!  I'm down!  I wish they would leave me in one position."

- A Toilet Seat

"I wish I didn't get used so much."

   - A Wish

TIPS ON STAYING SAFE

Avoid violent people especially people who are violent.


Never make soup with gasoline or any other flammable liquid.  (How come flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?)


Keep away from war zones.


Never jump off a cliff unless it is 2 feet (61 cm) high or less. 


Don't breathe underwater near a nuclear power plant.


When eating, always eat the food and not the spoons, forks, knives and dishes.


Never make friends with a suicide bomber.  


Never invite lions and tigers and bears to parties.


Don't lift anything that weighs more than 2 tons.


Never sleep on the road.


Never eat more than one dictionary per meal.


Beware of sudden endings.

 

NEW PRODUCTS

Solar-Powered Dildoe

Hands-Free Air 

Microchips  (For people cutting back on junk food)

Stoned Rocks  (For your garden of pot)

Invisible Space  (To go with your hands-free air)

A Walking Saucer  (For aliens who fear flying)

Clothing That Never Needs Washing   (This is not new.  Our clothing is already like this, but we wash it for social and health reasons.)

A Dicless Dictionary  (Also known as a Tionary)

(A surprise ending)   

IF I WAS NOT A FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN . . .

If I wasn't a funny bone technician, then I would like to work at:

- Being a guide human for blind dogs;

- Being paid to be shade for the Sun;

- Being a dictionary to give meaning to everything;

- Being an employee of a home for chewed food;

- Making catalogues of all the catalogues in the world; 

- Being the space in some peoples' heads;

- Building airplanes so more time can fly;

- Having a garden of peas for the world (World Peas);

- Teaching creative sensitivity to help people get their poetic license;

And finally, if I was not a funny bone technician, then I would like to be the stuff that dreams are made on, and round my little life with sleep.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . .

THE GREAT QUESTIONS OF LIFE . . .

IF ONLY WE COULD HEAR . . .

"People who live in me should be neat."
                                                - A Glass House


"It's not fair that the paper charged me with sexual assault.  I was only rubbing out pencil marks."
                                                - An Eraser


"I know the meaning of life!"
                                                - A Dictionary


"I wish people would piss off and not in me!"
                                                - A Swimming Pool


"How can I see so many soles and not be in Heaven or Hell?"
                                                 - A Floor


"One day I hope to be a great novel."
                                                  - A Tree


"How the hell can I be the new black?"
                                                   - An Orange


"Okay.  Enough!  It's time for a change."
                                                   - The Climate