ON TERRORISTS AND SUICIDE BOMBERS

Do suicide bombers ever buy lottery tickets?


Q:  When is a terrorist not a terrorist?
A:  When he or she is on your side.


Is marriage a form of terrorism? 


Q:  How can you spot a group of optimistic suicide bombers?
A:  When you see them buying green bananas, and reading copies of Tolstoy's War and Peace.


Q:  Why did the terrorist cross the road?
A:  To bomb a chicken on the other side.


Q:  Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:  To get away from the terrorist.


Disappointment is when a suicide bomber dies and goes to Heaven, and is immediately met my 72 wrinkled old nuns.  


Q:  Why won't terrorists go to the moon?
A:  No buildings to bomb.


Terrorists would make their lives so much easier if they simply gave up their beliefs.

 

TIPS ON STAYING SAFE

Avoid violent people especially people who are violent.


Never make soup with gasoline or any other flammable liquid.  (How come flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?)


Keep away from war zones.


Never jump off a cliff unless it is 2 feet (61 cm) high or less. 


Don't breathe underwater near a nuclear power plant.


When eating, always eat the food and not the spoons, forks, knives and dishes.


Never make friends with a suicide bomber.  


Never invite lions and tigers and bears to parties.


Don't lift anything that weighs more than 2 tons.


Never sleep on the road.


Never eat more than one dictionary per meal.


Beware of sudden endings.

 

THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD . . .

I know a suicide bomber--well I knew a suicide bomber.  He hated his working conditions and was barely surviving on his poor salary; so he took his own life.  What a tragedy!  The government should do more to prevent suicide bombers from killing themselves.

***

Poor Charles Darwin is rolling in his grave.  What has the government done lately for evolution?  What has the government done for evolution at all?  Evolution has stopped.  When was the last time a fish walked on land, or a monkey evolved into a man?  The government should do more to help evolution to keep evolving.

***   

To many people are dying from natural causes.  The government should do more to stop this.

***

Finally, why can't the government come up with laws to prevent bad speling?

 

ON SUICIDE

Is traveling public transit in Toronto that bad that the Toronto Transit Commission (TTC) has to put up so many signs about the suicide hotline?  Would there be time to think about suicide if the vehicles were on schedule?

Did you know that suicide is the leading cause of premature death?  Really?  Suicide causes premature death?  How is that possible?   Wow!

http://www.torontosun.com/2014/11/14/suicide-leading-cause-of-premature-death-in-toronto-report

Will the Toronto Board of Health pay me to write a report showing how suicide is hazardous to your health?

***

Is there a chance for promotion when you are a suicide bomber?  How about job sharing?  Can suicide bombers job-share?

***

The reason governments have laws against suicide?  Suicide means the loss of a taxpayer.  (And governments are against abortion because it's the loss of a potential taxpayer.)

*** 

The most effective way to prevent people from committing suicide is to kill them.

THE END

(No pun intended) 

BESTSELLERS AMONGST . . .

The following books are bestsellers, but only amongst the groups mentioned.

Bestseller amongst geese:

How To Keep Your Down When Everything Is Going Up  

by Harry Honk 

Amongst viruses:

Fifty Shades of Ebola 

by Diane Diagnose

Amongst Ku Klux Klan members:

A Brief History of White 

by Ray Cyst

Amongst brides:

How To Be A Virgin When You Ain't 

by Ida Impure

Amongst trains:

The Tracks of My Tears

by Loco Motif

Amongst ghosts:

Crime and Ectoplasm 

by Fyodor Ghostoyevsky

Amongst suicide bombers:

The Big Bang Theory

by G. Powder

Amongst endings:

Is It Really The End?

by Al L. Finn

RANDOM TIDBITS

"It's our goal to get inside someone's head and stay there," said the rocks.

They seemed like nice rocks.  I would have offered them my head, but it is already full of voices, bananas and half a brain.

***

If I take myself with me wherever I go, then how come I am not charged for two seats on an airplane?  

***

WANTED:  Suicide bombers for terrorist organization.  Previous experience an asset, but not necessary.  Excellent starting salary with benefits.  Apply . . . 

***

Whenever I go into a room, I always find myself near a floor, wall, or ceiling.  Is this a coincidence? 

When I go outside, especially during the day, I am surrounded by natural light.  This can't be another coincidence.  It has to be by Intelligent design. 

***

Why would people be flattered to have the wing of a hospital named after them?  Hospitals are where people are sick and die.

Some may say, "But people get well in hospitals, too."

This is true, but when you hear that a loved one is in the hospital, your first thought isn't, "Oh wonderful!  He or she must be getting better."

***

"Are you sure that there is no room for us in your head?" asked the rocks.  "You seem like such a nice guy."

"Thank you,"  I said.  "Yes, I am sure.  There would be room if the voices in my head moved out, but that's not likely to happen.  The voices signed a lifetime lease, and they're not about to break it.  Good luck at finding some head."

 

ONE QUESTION AND FIVE BAR JOKES

What do fortune tellers do to relax?  Study History?



Noah walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What are you doing here?  You can't thirsty!"

A fortune teller walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"  The fortune teller says, "I knew you'd say that!" 

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Ting!  Ting! Whasso oogabaloo chalick?"  The man leaves realizing that not only is he in the wrong bar, but he's also in the wrong dimension. 

Nothing walks into a bar and the bartender says, "You're nothing!"  Nothing walks out feeling dejected.
 
A suicide bomber walks into bar and the bartender says, "What-- "