TIDBITS

"Aren't you lonely being on your own?"

"But I am not on my own.  When the voices in my head are not talking at me, then the voices in my head are talking to me." 
"You hear voices?"
"Yeah, don't you?"
"No."
"No?  Then how do you know what I'm saying?"

***

"Are you the person who has a friend with Alzheimer's disease?"

"I don't know.  I don't remember."

***

"How ya making out with the voices in your head?"

"Great!  They're happy that I installed hardwood floors, and a room with a view in my head." 

***

 "Does it bother you being in debt?"

"A little, but I know that I am not alone.  Large numbers of people in debt owe money."

***

 "Does stress reduce its stress by losing weight?"

***

"Had enough?"

RANDOM TIDBITS

"It's our goal to get inside someone's head and stay there," said the rocks.

They seemed like nice rocks.  I would have offered them my head, but it is already full of voices, bananas and half a brain.

***

If I take myself with me wherever I go, then how come I am not charged for two seats on an airplane?  

***

WANTED:  Suicide bombers for terrorist organization.  Previous experience an asset, but not necessary.  Excellent starting salary with benefits.  Apply . . . 

***

Whenever I go into a room, I always find myself near a floor, wall, or ceiling.  Is this a coincidence? 

When I go outside, especially during the day, I am surrounded by natural light.  This can't be another coincidence.  It has to be by Intelligent design. 

***

Why would people be flattered to have the wing of a hospital named after them?  Hospitals are where people are sick and die.

Some may say, "But people get well in hospitals, too."

This is true, but when you hear that a loved one is in the hospital, your first thought isn't, "Oh wonderful!  He or she must be getting better."

***

"Are you sure that there is no room for us in your head?" asked the rocks.  "You seem like such a nice guy."

"Thank you,"  I said.  "Yes, I am sure.  There would be room if the voices in my head moved out, but that's not likely to happen.  The voices signed a lifetime lease, and they're not about to break it.  Good luck at finding some head."

 

WHAT IF THE ALIENS PICK ME?

What if the aliens pick me as The Standard for Insanity? How will my life change?

Does that mean I will be awarded a new straitjacket? 

Will I have to keep the same voices in my head, or can I get new ones?

Will I get a gift card to pay for unlimited visits to see a psychiatrist?

Can I keep my reality?

 

MY MIND

I am not crazy just because I lost my mind.  I am normal for a person with no mind.  

To be honest I did not lose my mind.  My mind left me.  It felt cramped sharing my head with the voices, my thoughts, and some space junk.  (I have no idea how space junk got inside my head.)

             "I'm feeling smothered," my mind said to me.  "I think we should see other spaces."   And with those words my mind left.  

I heard from my mind about a year ago.  It sent me a postcard from Oprah Winfrey's butt.  My mind said that it would be there for only a few days.  How thrilling to think that for a few days Oprah sat on my mind!  My mind went from Oprah's butt to an alternate universe.  I have not heard from it since.

I do not miss my mind.  I seem to be able to get by without it.  The voices in my head miss my mind.  Today they held a minute of silence in memory of my mind.

Perhaps one day my mind will return.  If it does, then I plan to ask it how space junk got inside my head. 

WAITING FOR MY VOICES

I am waiting for the voices in my head to tell me something to write.  They are resting from being stressed out.  They get stressed whenever I bang my head.  They think it's an earthquake.  Good thing for me I have a hard head because I bang it frequently.  

Doctors want to give me drugs to stop the voices, but I would miss my voices if they left me.  They are with me all the time except when I go to the bathroom.  That's when they temporarily leave me because they have a keen sense of smell.

My voices have been with me since I was in my mother's womb.  (Why did I use mother's womb?  Could I have just used womb?  Whose womb would I have been in?  My father's?)  I remember that it was dark and wet, and wet and dark.  My voices first words to me were, "Kick!  Kick!  Give your parents a thrill and kick!"

My voices were right because I would hear my mother shouting to my father, "Quick!  Come here quick!  He's kicking!"  Then my father would come and put his hand on my mother's belly and say, "Yeah!  Wow!  I can feel him kicking!"  It did not take much to amuse my parents. 

(Photo from National Geographic's In The Womb)

I remember the day I was born.  It just happened to work out as the same day as my  birthday.  I was sleeping when the voices shouted, 

"Wake up!  Wake up!  It's time to go."

"Go where?" I asked.

"Out into the world."

"The world?"

"You'll understand once you're out."

"How do I get out?"

"Over there."

"There?  I'll never fit through there."

"Yes you will."

Suddenly I was moving.  I could not control it.  Sometimes I moved fast.  Sometimes I moved slow.  The voices were right.  I did fit through the hole . . .

"We're back!"

"Oh!  You startled me."

"Startled?  That's part of what we feel when you bang your head."

VOICES BLOWING BUBBLES

Why do the voices in my head want to blow bubbles?

"For fun," we say.  "We love to play in all the empty space up here!"

But I thought you guys have fun telling me things.

"We do, and you have fun with the things we tell you.  But blowing bubbles is fun for fun's sake.  Sorry about the popping sound.  Perhaps the pops would not be so loud if there wasn't so much space up here for the sound to pop around."  

Can I ask you not to blow bubbles while I am reading?  

"Sure, you can ask us to do anything.  Whether we do it or not is another question."

Have my bowels influenced you?

"Ahhh!  A reference to your blog on May 11.  To answer your question, no.  Perhaps we have influenced your bowels.  We will never tell."

How about blowing bubbles while I am talking?  The popping noise won't be too distracting because I don't think when I am talking.

"Hmmm . . . Okay, we will only blow bubbles while you are talking. 
"Is there anything else you would like to ask us?"

Yeah.  Where do you guys get your ideas?

"From your bowels."  

WHY WOULD YOU ASK THESE QUESIONS?

Would extortion by any other name be taxes?

Hey Tippi Hedren, Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?*

What does asking the meaning of life mean?

 
*Obscure reference to something obscure.

RELATIVELY SPEAKING . . .

I WISH SOMEONE WOULD READ THIS

 

INSANITY IS THE LEADING CAUSE OF MENTAL ILLNESS . . .