Questions About God

What sign is God?  Virgin?

  Where did God grow up?  Neverland?

 Did God go to school on other days besides Sundays?

   Does God really know everything?  What kind of exams would you give to find out whether God knows everything?

How many applied for Creator of the Universe before God got the job?  Is God in a union?  Does God get paid overtime for working for Eternity?

What does God do to relax?  Is God into meditation or yoga?  Does God play any sports?

Where does God vacation?  A Five-Star hotel in another universe?

 Does God wear makeup?  Has God had plastic surgery?  Has God ever won a beauty contest?

What does God do for fun?  Does God play dice with the universe?

Has God ever had a serious relationship? 

 Does God enjoy long walks along the beach?  

Does God have any pets?

What is God's favorite food?  Bananas?

Has God ever had a near-death experience?  If so, then who told God, "Go back. It's not your time."

Does God's Will have an executor?

Did God get an inferiority complex after creating human beings?

TRY THIS! (BUT NOT AT HOME)

Close your eyes while driving.  See how long you can drive before you have an accident.



Jump off a tall building while tossing a penny.  See whether you or the penny hit the ground first.



Run down the stairs with your shoelaces untied.



Hold your breath for 20 minutes underwater.  Do this daily.  It's better than meditation.



Using only your body, try to stop a truck coming at you at 47 miles per hour.  (Anything faster than 47 mph is too dangerous.)



Explore the inside of a giant shark's mouth.  (You can do this after holding your breath underwater for 20 minutes.)



Walk into a bank brandishing a big gun.  Casually ask, "Are you giving away any money today?"



Practise dying.



Lock yourself in a public washroom and scream, "I'm gonna murder the toilets unless you give into my demands!"



Write a silly blog about destructive behavior.

HOW TO MEDITATE

Sit comfortably.

Tell the voices in your head, "Shut up!"  
(If the voices in your head continue to talk, then threaten them with medication.  Tell them that if they don't stop, you will start taking medication that will silence them.  This should stop them.)

Close your eyes.  Using a hand-held mirror check to see whether your eyes are closed properly. 

Breathe in.  Breathe out.
(It's a good idea to breathe in and breathe out after you finish meditating just to stay alive.)

Focus on your breathing.  This will be hard because it is hard to focus on anything with your eyes closed.  Don't give up.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  

See yourself calmly floating on a cloud before it rains.
(If if rains you will rain to the ground breaking all your bones and that's not very peaceful.)

Keep breathing in and out with your eyes closed for about 17 seconds, and that's it.  You're done.  

Congratulate yourself for successfully meditating 10 seconds longer than the average attention span.    

HEALTH TIPS FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO LIVE NOW

Don't meditate.  It's boring.  Keep yourself busy busy busy.  Get upset at whatever you can no matter how minor it is.  Expressing your feelings is good for you.  Never hold back.

Eat whatever you like.  It's all going to end up going down the drain eventually.  Why not enjoy it before it does?
  
Don't exercise.  Why make yourself all hot and sweaty when you can relax on the couch eating whatever you like.

INSANITY IS THE LEADING CAUSE OF MENTAL ILLNESS . . .