ON A SHORT ATTENTION SP--

A short attention span walked into bar and the bartender said, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
And the short attention span replied, "Where's the light I'm supposed to change?"
"Sorry," said the bartender, "but we're out of beer.  Can I get you something else?"
"Thanks," said the short attention span and it left.

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"I forgot."

"I forgot who?"

"No, I really forgot."

"Cross the road to see whether you remember on the other side."

"Why did the short attention span cross the road?"

"I don't know."

"To get to a bar on the other side to change a light bulb."

"How many short attention spans does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"Two bottles of beer."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Short attention span."

"Short attention span who?"

"Short attention span.  That's it."

"Sorry?  Did you say something?"

HOW TO MEDITATE

Sit comfortably.

Tell the voices in your head, "Shut up!"  
(If the voices in your head continue to talk, then threaten them with medication.  Tell them that if they don't stop, you will start taking medication that will silence them.  This should stop them.)

Close your eyes.  Using a hand-held mirror check to see whether your eyes are closed properly. 

Breathe in.  Breathe out.
(It's a good idea to breathe in and breathe out after you finish meditating just to stay alive.)

Focus on your breathing.  This will be hard because it is hard to focus on anything with your eyes closed.  Don't give up.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  

See yourself calmly floating on a cloud before it rains.
(If if rains you will rain to the ground breaking all your bones and that's not very peaceful.)

Keep breathing in and out with your eyes closed for about 17 seconds, and that's it.  You're done.  

Congratulate yourself for successfully meditating 10 seconds longer than the average attention span.    

MY SHORT ATTENTION SP-

I don't know why my attention span is short.   I am six feet tall and do not like watching golf.  I live near some electrical equipment.  They say some people are sensitive to electrical energy.  I believe I am in line for a promotion at work.  I passed all the promotional exams including the anal probe performed by the aliens during a staff meeting.  The anal probe affected my brain and this is the cause for all the rain.

But rain is good.  It makes things grow -- especially in my closet where no monsters live.  Monsters used to live in my closet when I was younger, but they moved out as I aged the cheese I made.  Homemade cheese tastes better than the potatoes I bought at the gas station.

And what about those gas prices?  They are higher than the flying saucer the aliens brought to the staff meeting.  The aliens promised me a promotion at work if I did not talk about people sensitive to electrical cheese aged in monsters who live in closets.

So that is why my attention span is -- Look!  It's the end of my blog!