IDEAS TO IMPROVE THE WORLD

Make terrorists study acupuncture and put needles in their bombs.  The bombs may still destroy buildings, but bombing victims will feel better.

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Instead of paying politicians a salary, pay them for each time they tell the truth.

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To  stop littering, give people tickets to theaters and sporting events in exchange for their garbage.

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Have time limits for wars as there are in any game.  If a war isn't won in 24 hours, then it ends in a tie.

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Pass a law that all junk food must be organic.

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Change the laws so that no one can go on strike without first getting permission from his or her employer.

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And finally, to make the world a better place, prohibit blogs like this one.

UNREASONALBLE RULES OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN

Never eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the same time.  Eat these meals separately over periods of time throughout the day.


No matter how big your mouth is, always use one fork or spoon when eating.


Eat junk food now and again for fun.


Never wear your underwear for more than seven years without changing it.


Always make sure that your pants are down before using toilet paper.


Always read with your eyes open.


Never meditate while sitting on train tracks.


Do not breathe underwater unless drowning is your goal.


Make sure you get a minimum of a million hours of sleep each night after you die.

  

WHAT BUGS BUGS?

STUDIES THAT NEVER HAPPENED (Perhaps They Did, But Not In This Dimension)

Study finds that junk food strengthens your cast-iron stomach.

Studies show that seniors are older than most people.

A study proved, beyond all doubt, that over-cooking food may cause it to burn.

Studies show that sex is only heavy breathing combined with pelvic thrusts and the exchange of gooey bodily fluids.

A study showed that people are likely to bump into things if they walk around with their eyes closed.

(What people may see when their eyes are closed.)

 

A study showed that people who volunteer for studies are called volunteers.

Studies show that monkeys do not believe in evolution.  (It is hard to tell what monkeys believe because they do not say much.)

Studies found that most garbage smells.

A study, paid for by Calvin Klein, found that T Shirts do not come from the alphabet.   

A study, conducted by The Riddletee Research Group, found that playing on the Internet may lead to silly blogs. 

HEALTH TIPS FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO LIVE NOW

Don't meditate.  It's boring.  Keep yourself busy busy busy.  Get upset at whatever you can no matter how minor it is.  Expressing your feelings is good for you.  Never hold back.

Eat whatever you like.  It's all going to end up going down the drain eventually.  Why not enjoy it before it does?
  
Don't exercise.  Why make yourself all hot and sweaty when you can relax on the couch eating whatever you like.

THINGS THAT DESTROY YOUR CONFIDENCE

Cannibals classify you as "junk food."

Skunks say how much you smell.

Aliens refuse to abduct you.

Beggars give you money. 

Muggers refuse to rob you.

Your doctor wants to put you in a cage.

Your imaginary friends won't invite you to their parties.

You're not on Santa's list.

The Easter Bunny throws eggs at you.

God won't add you as a friend on Facebook.