Not All About Politicians

"Why did the politician cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To get the chicken vote."



"How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"We don't know. The Prime Minister's Task Force on the Changing of Light Bulbs hasn't finished its report."



Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau walked around Ottawa carrying a small cage.  He appeared to be looking for something.  A reporter asked, "Excuse me, Mr. Prime Minister, but what are you doing?"
And Prime Minister Trudeau replied, "I'm looking for a promise I can keep."



A politician walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
"Can you get me a money-sex scandal for my opponents?" said the politician.
And the bartender said, "You guys don't need my help for that.  All of you do so well on your own."

"Knock.  Knock."
"Who's there?"
"A politician."
"A politician who?"
"A politician who is honest and keeps promises."
"Impossible!  You don't exist."
"If I don't exist, then who is knocking on your door?"
"Good question."

"What's the difference between criminals and politicians?"

"I dunno."

"Criminals have to wait until they go to jail before they are funded by taxpayers."

"What do you get when you cross a thief with a politician?
"What?"

"A politician."

"Why don't you see any trees involved in politics?"

"Why?"

"Because trees are stable and upright, and they can't talk."

"I wanna know how many politicians it takes to change a light bulb.  Will the Prime Minister's Task Force on the Changing of Light Bulbs finish its report before this blog ends?"

"Nope."

SHORT SHORT STORIES

Once upon a time there was the Number 2 who liked to do things twice.  
Once upon a time there was the Number 2 who liked to do things twice.
Once upon a time there was the Number 2 who liked to do things twice.
One day the Number 2 did something three times.  The other number 2's did not like this.  It frightened them.  They killed the Number 2 for doing something three times.

The End   The End

*

Once upon a time there was a promise.  This promise broke after a bad fall.  All the king's horses and all the king's men could not fix the promise.  The promise thought its life was over, but soon found lots of work with politicians.  The promise remained broken happily ever after.

*

Once upon a time there was an injured alien who said, "I don't belong in this blog.  I belong at the crash site in Roswell, New Mexico."

POOF!

He was gone.

*

Once upon a time there was a bad memory.  I forget the rest of the story.

*

Once upon The End

DOGS' THOUGHTS ON STOOPING AND SCOOPING

What do dogs think when they see humans stooping and scooping?  I asked 11 dogs and here is what they said.


"Gosh, my master has an interesting hobby!"


"My poor master!  Does he get enough to eat?" 


"What's my master going to do with that?  Make a weapon by using it with a fan?"


"Hmmm . . . Is there gold in my poop?  Perhaps I should start charging for it."


"What does my master do with it?  Sell it to politicians for their speeches?"


 "Is my master recycling my food?"


"My master has an interesting strategy for something."


"I know he loves me more than his wife.  I never see him doing this for her."


"Is my master a coprophiliac?"  


"How weird!  I'd report him if he wasn't so nice to me."

"Ha!  Look at her!  And she thinks that she is the master."

SOME THINGS THAT BOTHER ME

I don't like being murdered.  Every time someone kills me, it throws off my day.


Earthquakes often get under my skin, and building.  I don't mind earthquakes if nothing gets broken, but they usually cause a crack or two and make lots of noise.


Leaders of countries bother me when they make speeches on television and interrupt my favorite tv shows.


People who pick their noses in public and then wipe their boogers on their clothing.  What makes them think that no one is watching?


Loud noises bother me---especially noises from nuclear bomb testing.  Why can't the military test bombs on other planets?


I am always bothered when I run out of ideas.  There should be a law preventing this from happening to me.

IDEAS TO IMPROVE THE WORLD

Make terrorists study acupuncture and put needles in their bombs.  The bombs may still destroy buildings, but bombing victims will feel better.

***

Instead of paying politicians a salary, pay them for each time they tell the truth.

***

To  stop littering, give people tickets to theaters and sporting events in exchange for their garbage.

***

Have time limits for wars as there are in any game.  If a war isn't won in 24 hours, then it ends in a tie.

***

Pass a law that all junk food must be organic.

***

Change the laws so that no one can go on strike without first getting permission from his or her employer.

***

And finally, to make the world a better place, prohibit blogs like this one.

I AM GRATEFUL

Every time I stop at a stop sign, I am grateful that there are no such things as invisible cars.

I am grateful that a black hole has not swallowed the Earth.  What would we pollute if there was no Earth?
 

I am grateful to our politicians who always show us the difference between lies and lies.

I am grateful that I sleep when I nap.

I am grateful that night follows day.  Can you imagine what life would be like if day followed night?

I am grateful that I am capable of giving thanks for being grateful.

Often, the world is grateful that I run out of ideas.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND . . .

I WISH . . .

I wish my bowels would leave a forwarding address whenever they move.

I wish I could live without eating.
 (Then I wouldn't have to worry about transient bowels.)

I wish my feet smelled like roses.

I wish semen tasted like chocolate, and caused women to lose weight.

I wish that politicians told the truth.

I wish that wars, murders, rapes, violence, and robberies always happen so that newspapers, radio and television stations will never go out of business.

I wish that God would tell us where He came from, and what church He attends.

I wish I knew what the last number was.

I wish I knew almost everything there is to know. 
(I don't want to know everything.  Knowing everything would not give me a reason to get out of bed.)

I wish that the buttons on new expensive shirts would not fall off.

I wish my wishes came true.

And as I have wished many times before, I wish that I did not have to make wishes.

POLICE SAID . . .

The body of a man was found in his home in downtown Toronto.  The man's body had multiple gunshot and stab wounds, and the man's hands were tied behind his back.  Police said that they suspect foul play.


There were only minor injuries and no deaths in a fifty-car pileup on Highway 400.  No charges have been laid, but police are still investigating.  Police said that speed and the laws of physics were factors in the accident.


After months of an intensive undercover investigation, police seized ten tons of bullshit from the Canadian government buildings.  A number of politicians -- too many to mention -- have been charged with possession of bullshit for the purpose of trafficking.  Police called the investigation "Operation Crap Talk."  Police said that this was the biggest bust of bullshit in the history of law enforcement.


An armoured truck lost its load scattering millions of bills, various denominations, all over the street.  Apparently the back door of the truck was not properly secured.  A spokesperson for the armoured-truck company would not say how much money was lost, but an unnamed source said that the amount was over a million dollars.  Police said that anyone finding money should call police and turn it in.


 Police said, "We arrived on the scene of this blog at 16:36 hours, or 4:36 pm, on Sunday March 23, 2014.  We observed many letters forming words which subsequently formed sentences.  We also observed spaces between the words and sentences.  No charges have been laid at this time, but we are still investigating.  We will release further information when it comes available.  Thank you."

HOW MANY _____ DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

How many politicians does it take to change one light bulb?

Lots of them . . .  and at great public expense!

How many plumbers does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  That's the electrician's job.  One hundred dollars service charge for the house call, thank you.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.  It wasn't the light bulb.  It was faulty wiring in the switch box.  That will be five hundred dollars, please. 

One hundred dollars service charge and four hundred dollars for parts and labor.

How many serial killers does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows.  Who wants to be in the dark with a serial killer?

How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she will not do it because she is blocked.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he will rehearse doing it many times before he actually does it.

How many prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb?

How many would you like?

How many thieves does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but you better watch him do it.

How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he’ll do it later.

How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb?

You have to be hypnotized to find out.

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but first he will tell you how it was the conservatives’ fault that the light burned out, and then he will change the bulb.

How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  They will get a private company to do it after telling you that liberals cause lights to burn out.

How many people who give bad advice does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he won’t do it.  He’ll tell you to call a plumber.

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  That job has gone to Mexico.  

How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?

One.       Light bulbs give light

                To make things all bright.

                Change it I might

                Before it is night.

How many comedians does it take to change a light bulb?

One million . . .  Just joking.  Two.  One comedian to open for the other who changes the bulb.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  It is beneath them to do it.  You better call a plumber.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?  
One.  Why do light bulbs burn out?  If a light bulb burns out in the forest and there is no one there to see it, does it still get dark?  What is the meaning of darkness?  Is darkness The End?

DO POLITICIANS LIE?

Politicians will never admit to telling lies. We all know that they are lying whenever their lips are moving. If you catch them in a lie, then they will say, "I did not lie. I misspoke." Or they might say, "I made an honest mistake." Honest mistake? If a mistake wasn't "honest," then it wasn't a mistake.