DOGS' THOUGHTS ON STOOPING AND SCOOPING

What do dogs think when they see humans stooping and scooping?  I asked 11 dogs and here is what they said.


"Gosh, my master has an interesting hobby!"


"My poor master!  Does he get enough to eat?" 


"What's my master going to do with that?  Make a weapon by using it with a fan?"


"Hmmm . . . Is there gold in my poop?  Perhaps I should start charging for it."


"What does my master do with it?  Sell it to politicians for their speeches?"


 "Is my master recycling my food?"


"My master has an interesting strategy for something."


"I know he loves me more than his wife.  I never see him doing this for her."


"Is my master a coprophiliac?"  


"How weird!  I'd report him if he wasn't so nice to me."

"Ha!  Look at her!  And she thinks that she is the master."

OVERHEARD

"When I grow up," said the little breeze, "I want to be a hurricane and help people move."

***

"I wish more humans appreciated me," said Earth.

***

"I want to measure up in everything I do," said the ruler.

***

"Why can't I put my human on silence?" asks the cell phone.

***

"I like to drink out of that bowl.  I wish my master would stop peeing in it," said the dog.

***

"Oh the stories I could tell!  I should write a book," said the fly on the wall.

***

"This is it," said The End.

WHAT IS THE SOUND OF ONE ARMPIT STINKING?

Zen Koans You Will Not Find In Any Book

A student came to see a Zen Master to ask about Zen.  The Zen Master served tea.  He poured the student's cup full, and then kept pouring.  The student watched the cup overflow and finally said, "It's overfull!  No more will go in!"  The Zen Master looked up and said, "Uh?" and then kept pouring.


A Zen Master wrote sixty postal cards on the last day of his life.  He asked an attendant to mail them, and then died.  The cards read:
I am departing from this world.    This is my last announcement.   I put no stamps on these cards.  You'll have to pay the postage.  Nanananana!


A student visited a Zen Master.  The Zen Master asked, "What do you seek?"
"Enlightenment," replied the student.
"Everything is inside you," said the Zen Master. "Why do you search outside?"
"Well," said the student. "I also seek a large vanilla milkshake from McDonald's."
After hearing this, the Zen Master was McEnlightened.


For years a student of Zen had a koan.  He had meditated on it and thought about it and meditated on it some more, and could not understand it.  Finally he went to a Zen Master and asked for help.  The Zen Master gave the student some ice cream for his koan, and the student understood.


Is there a splash if a frog jumps in a pond where there is no water?


A student asked a Zen Master, "What is Buddha Nature?"  The Zen Master said nothing, but he leaned over and farted.  The student was enlightened -- after leaving the room, of course.

In the bardo, a student of Zen was asked how he had left his body.  "I'm not sure," he replied.  "I think I drowned.  The last thing I remember was a Zen Master pouring me a cup of tea."


A monk asked Master Be Oh, "What is the living meaning of Zen Buddhism?"
Master Be Oh replied,  "The sound of one armpit stinking."
The monk was not enlightened, and he never again went near Master Be Oh to ask another question.