WHAT IF . . .

What if all the tea in China was not in China?  Where would it be?

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What if all the toilets formed a union and refused to take any crap from us?

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What if The Mad Woman of Chaillot was not mad and only mildly irritated?

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What if all art galleries changed into fart galleries and artists became fartists?  (I know, this one stinks.)

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What if social climbers forgot their knee pads?  How far would they climb?

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What if no one listened to anyone else?

What?

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What if gold got old and could not be sold?  

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What if dancing replaced fighting in war? (And no weapons allowed.)

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What if I stopped blogging because I had gas and needed to go to a fart gallery?

SOME QUESTIONS AT A GROCERY STORE

Do fish aspire to end up in a grocery store? 



Can you use tomato paste to glue food?

Do avocados ever advocate?



If there is pasta, then where can I find a presenta and a futura?


Do beans fart?  If so, then how do they say, "Excuse me"?  Can beans talk?



Does the butcher ever pig-out?



Do the ghosts of dead cows haunt the meat department?



Shouldn't you get a discount on your groceries if you use self checkout?

 

THE UNIVERSE, MIXED MARRIAGE AND A BAR

I became One with The Universe, and got an infection in my solar system.  When I went to my doctor, he said that I should have practiced "safe meditation."

"How do you practice safe meditation?" I asked.

"He answered, "Very carefully."

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Did you hear about the skunk that fell in love with a fart?  Conservative skunks told him that the relationship was not right; that he should stick with stinks of his own kind.  But love transcends all boundaries including bad smells.

The fart experienced the same resistance from her parents and other farts.  She had to flee from an asshole to be with the skunk.  They ran off and got married.

Some said, "Their children won't know whether they are skunks or farts."  This was not a problem.  The skunk and fart raised their children not as skunks or farts, but as bad smells.  They lived smellaby ever after.

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A bar walks into another bar.  What a mess!  Booze and broken glass all over the place!  The patrons fled, both bartenders suffered major injuries.  This joke has to stop now before anyone else gets hurt.

SCENES FROM FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

 

HONORING DRACULA ON DECEMBER SECOND

Tuesday December 2, 2014, is Dracula Day.  Why?  Just for the hell of it.  No other reason.  December Second has no connection to Dracula or vampires.  So, whether or not December Second sucks, Dracula, this day is for you -- actually only after sunset.


Dracula walks into a bar and the bartender says,"I know, I know, you want a Bloody Mary."
"No," says Dracula, "I'll have a glass of water, please."
"Water?  Water?" says the bartender.  "Since when did you start drinking water?"
Dracula replies, "Ever since Frankenstein caught Ebola from The Wolfman." 


"Hello Mr. Dracula?  Yes, this is your bank manager calling.  I am calling to let you know that your bank account is still in the red . . ."

Q:  Why did Dracula cross the road?

A:  To take his clothes to the cleaners.

  

A DIFFERENT TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

The message alerts on my cell phone did not satisfy me; so I created my own.  Whenever someone sends me a text message, my cell phone vibrates and farts.

I know it's juvenile, but no matter how old we get, farting still makes us laugh.  I laugh every time I receive a text message.  What good medicine that is!

Sometimes I am standing with a group of people when I get a text message.

"Oh, that was my cell phone.  I just got a text message," I say.

"Sure ya did," they say.  

Their disbelief turns to laughter when they find out that it really was my cell phone.

Recently I was sitting on a bench at a bus station.  Beside me sat a lady who, from her appearance, could have been a Sunday school teacher, or a librarian, or both.  She likely has not laughed in the last 347 years.  I received a text.  She turned and glared at me.  

"That was my cell phone," I said as I reached into my pocket to retrieve it.

But before I could get my cell phone out, she got up in a huff and walked away.      

WHAT IS THE SOUND OF ONE ARMPIT STINKING?

Zen Koans You Will Not Find In Any Book

A student came to see a Zen Master to ask about Zen.  The Zen Master served tea.  He poured the student's cup full, and then kept pouring.  The student watched the cup overflow and finally said, "It's overfull!  No more will go in!"  The Zen Master looked up and said, "Uh?" and then kept pouring.


A Zen Master wrote sixty postal cards on the last day of his life.  He asked an attendant to mail them, and then died.  The cards read:
I am departing from this world.    This is my last announcement.   I put no stamps on these cards.  You'll have to pay the postage.  Nanananana!


A student visited a Zen Master.  The Zen Master asked, "What do you seek?"
"Enlightenment," replied the student.
"Everything is inside you," said the Zen Master. "Why do you search outside?"
"Well," said the student. "I also seek a large vanilla milkshake from McDonald's."
After hearing this, the Zen Master was McEnlightened.


For years a student of Zen had a koan.  He had meditated on it and thought about it and meditated on it some more, and could not understand it.  Finally he went to a Zen Master and asked for help.  The Zen Master gave the student some ice cream for his koan, and the student understood.


Is there a splash if a frog jumps in a pond where there is no water?


A student asked a Zen Master, "What is Buddha Nature?"  The Zen Master said nothing, but he leaned over and farted.  The student was enlightened -- after leaving the room, of course.

In the bardo, a student of Zen was asked how he had left his body.  "I'm not sure," he replied.  "I think I drowned.  The last thing I remember was a Zen Master pouring me a cup of tea."


A monk asked Master Be Oh, "What is the living meaning of Zen Buddhism?"
Master Be Oh replied,  "The sound of one armpit stinking."
The monk was not enlightened, and he never again went near Master Be Oh to ask another question.