I DON'T UNDERSTAND . . .

ADVICE

 As a leading expert on nothing in particular, I can give advice on anything:

        Always store your breast milk at tit temperature.

        Never meditate while holding a loaded gun. 

        Don't judge a judge -- especially when you are in his or her court.

        Change your underwear once a year.

        Believe everything you read and hear.

        It's okay to fear fear.

        Have fun finding rhymes with dear.

        Love yourself, but watch out for sexually transmitted diseases.

      

       Have fun pretending that you are pretending that you are pretending to have fun.   

       Always tell the truth -- except when you have to lie.

       Never attend a dinner party for cannibals.

NOT-SO-FAMOUS QUOTES

 

 

WHO SAID WHAT?

"Do you pollinate?" asked the flower.


"I always speak the truth -- except when I lie," said the politician.


"I'll be home for Christmas," said Santa.  "But I may be late."


"I am nothing without you,"  said the lamp to the plug.


"I easily gain weight when I eat couch potatoes," said the cannibal.


"I love getting stuff dirt cheap," said the earthworm.


"You're black!" said the pot to the kettle.


"I am an early version of you," said Failure to Success.


"Am I nuts?"  asked the cashew.
"I don't think so," said the peanut.


"Stop scraping my bottom!" said the barrel.


"Is this The End?" asked The Beginning.
"I hope so," said My Blog.  "The barrel wants us to stop."