ALL ABOUT TREES

"Why did the tree cross the road?"

"It was playing Pokemon."

Do trees knock on wood for good luck?

Are trees atheists?  I have never see one in church.

HEADLINE:  TREES CHARGE LUMBERJACK WITH MURDER

Can a dog fall in love with a tree's bark?

A dog goes into a bar and sees a gorgeous tree sitting alone.  The tree has a shapely trunk and sexy branches.

The dog goes over to the tree and says, "I love your bark.  Can I buy you a drink?"

The tree says, "Leaf me alone."

Crushed and depressed the dog leaves the bar and goes for some fire-hydrant therapy.

"What's fire-hydrant therapy?"

"It's therapy designed to wash away your troubles."

Do trees love hiding forests?

HEADLINE:  TEACHER FIRED FOR DOING THINGS WITH IMPROPER FRACTIONS

"What's that headline doing here?  It has nothing to do with trees."

"That headline was climbing a tree in the above picture and fell."

 "Is it true what they say about trees with long branches?"

"I don't know.  What do they say?"

"They say that trees with long branches, have long branches."

"Yes, I think it's true."

Where do trees go to the bathroom?

HEADLINE:  BLACK HOLE ENDS BLOG ABOUT TREES

WHAT IF IT WASN'T A GROUNDHOG?

What if it was not a groundhog's shadow that predicted things?  What if . . .

"Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper saw his shadow this morning.  This means that we will have six more centuries of censorship and government secrecy."

"U.S. President Barack Obama saw his shadow this morning.  This means that we will have six more weeks of the Republicans finding fault with how the president looked at his shadow."

"Paul McCartney saw his shadow this morning.  He saw it while he was on the long and winding road. The fact that he saw his shadow means that Lucy was not in the sky with diamonds -- whatever that means."

"Elvis Presley emerged from the ground and saw his shadow this morning.  This means that he did not die, but is alive and well and living with groundhogs."

"Jian Ghomeshi emerged from his hiding place and saw his shadow this morning.  We have no idea what this means because Ghomeshi's shadow turned out to be Bill Cosby."

"A black hole emerged from the center of the Milky Way and saw its shadow.  This means The End of everything.  (Perhaps not everything, but certainly this blog.)

 

I AM GRATEFUL

Every time I stop at a stop sign, I am grateful that there are no such things as invisible cars.

I am grateful that a black hole has not swallowed the Earth.  What would we pollute if there was no Earth?
 

I am grateful to our politicians who always show us the difference between lies and lies.

I am grateful that I sleep when I nap.

I am grateful that night follows day.  Can you imagine what life would be like if day followed night?

I am grateful that I am capable of giving thanks for being grateful.

Often, the world is grateful that I run out of ideas.

SNIPPETS OF CONVERSATIONS FROM FLYING SAUCERS . . .

 

SOMETHING FUNNY

There!  I did it.  I wrote Something Funny.  I hope it made you laugh.

Some say that it is hard to write Something Funny.  I find it quite easy.  Something Funny.  See?  I just did it again.

I find the following hard to write: 

- Instructions on how to give a headache to an aspirin 

- Advice on how to love your neighbor when you live in a  Black Hole

- How to program a cell phone to do laundry

- How to get your purse or pocket to answer your cell phone when your voice mail is full

- An essay titled, The Use Of Words In Literature

- Instructions on how to use the Dewey Decimal System to file socks and underwear

- About erectile dysfunction

- About rocks, concrete and steel
 

I also find it hard to write when I am asleep, and sometimes
I find it hard to write blog endings.

ORGANIZATIONS THAT ONLY EXIST IN THIS BLOG

Pests Against Pesticides


Constipated Beets For More Fibre
(Who knows how beets get constipated?  I will ask the next time I am talking to a beet.)


Body Odor Against Deodorants


Mood Swings For Menopause


Great Expectations Against Illusions  



We interrupt this blog to show you part of a Black Hole . . . 

We now return you to this blog . . .

Anal People Against Interruptions

Antioxidants Searching For Uncleoxidants

Endings For Blogs

GOING TO A PSYCHIATRIST?

"I just can't seem to express myself," says the pen to the psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist examines the pen and says, "You need a new refill."


After an extensive examination, the orange asks the psychiatrists, "Doc, what is wrong with me?"
"I'm afraid that you are going to have to live with this condition for the rest of your life," says the psychiatrist.
"I will?" says the orange.  "What is my problem?"
"And the psychiatrist says, "Your problem is that you don't rhyme with anything."


A psychiatrist sees a bunch of bananas sitting in his waiting room.  He says to them, "Forget about coming in here to see me.  There's nothing I can do for you.  You're bananas!"


A psychiatrist goes to see a psychiatrist and says, "Will you say that I am okay if I say that you are okay?"


A black hole goes to see a psychiatrist  and says, "Every time I get close to something, I suck it up and it disappears."
And the psychiatrist says, "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" and was gone.


A funny bone technician goes to see a psychiatrist and says, "Some days I feel that my blog is funny, and some days I feel that my blog is not funny."
The psychiatrist says, "You could be right." 

 

  

STILL LIFE WITH BLACK HOLE