ALL ABOUT TREES

"Why did the tree cross the road?"

"It was playing Pokemon."

Do trees knock on wood for good luck?

Are trees atheists?  I have never see one in church.

HEADLINE:  TREES CHARGE LUMBERJACK WITH MURDER

Can a dog fall in love with a tree's bark?

A dog goes into a bar and sees a gorgeous tree sitting alone.  The tree has a shapely trunk and sexy branches.

The dog goes over to the tree and says, "I love your bark.  Can I buy you a drink?"

The tree says, "Leaf me alone."

Crushed and depressed the dog leaves the bar and goes for some fire-hydrant therapy.

"What's fire-hydrant therapy?"

"It's therapy designed to wash away your troubles."

Do trees love hiding forests?

HEADLINE:  TEACHER FIRED FOR DOING THINGS WITH IMPROPER FRACTIONS

"What's that headline doing here?  It has nothing to do with trees."

"That headline was climbing a tree in the above picture and fell."

 "Is it true what they say about trees with long branches?"

"I don't know.  What do they say?"

"They say that trees with long branches, have long branches."

"Yes, I think it's true."

Where do trees go to the bathroom?

HEADLINE:  BLACK HOLE ENDS BLOG ABOUT TREES

TERMITE PORN

Humans are not the only ones who enjoy pornography.  Termites love porn, too.

Here are snippets of dialogue from some porn movies for termites: 


"Ooooh!  You have such lovely wood!  You better not give me any splinters."

*

"Hey baby!  Wanna suck on a log?"

*

"C'mon, baby, we'll have a threesome with you, me and this board."

* 

"All he gave you were toothpicks?"   

*

"Sand it!  Sand it!  Ooooo baby, sand it!  Oh yeah!  Nice and smooth!  Ohh baby!  Sand it!"

*

"You coulda picked a piece of wood without any knots in it!"

*

"How would you like me to cover you with sawdust, and then lick it off?"

*

"Yes, I'd like to buy some aftershave lotion that smells like trees."

*

"Hey baby!  Wanna get hot with some wooden matches?"

*

"Did you hear about Tina?"

"No, what?"

"She did the whole forest!"

"Wow!  Better stay away from her.  She could have DED."  (Dutch Elm Disease) 

*

"Hey, let's spend the night in a lumber yard!"

   

 

      

RANDOM QUESTIONS AND ONE LINERS

Is a hurricane Nartue's way of spring cleaning?

I would like to buy a house, but I have only enough money saved to make a down payment on a brick. 

I overheard my ass ask, "Do his clothes make my human look big?"

I found out the hard way that soap and water should not be used for lawn care.

Stay away from people whose money comes with washing instructions.

People who live in glass houses must spend a fortune on window cleaners.

Are trees illiterate?  Have you ever seen a tree reading a book?

Should I stop now?

BIRTHDAYS AND BIRTH CERITFICATES

I was born on my birthday.  Funny how that worked out.  It works out that way for most people, but there are some people who were not born on their birthdays.  For some reason their birth certificates have a different date than the day they were born.

Many years ago, friends of mine decided to have their daughter at home.  No hospital.  No doctor.  They used a midwife. 

After their daughter was born, they went to the government to register their daughter's birth.  The government refused to accept the registration, and issue a birth certificate, because their daughter was not born in a hospital under the supervision of a doctor.  Essentially the government told my friends that their daughter was never born because she was not born in a hospital under the supervision of a doctor.

I have often wondered why trees, birds, animals, insects, etc., do not have birth certificates.  Now I know.   It is because they were not born in a hospital under the supervision of a doctor.

 

MORE RANDOM THOUGHTS ON PAPER (ACTUALLY THEY ARE ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN)

The maple tree in my backyard joined Trees Against Lumberjacks (TAL).  A lot barking goes on at TAL meetings.  I was invited to attend a meeting.  I am not a tree, but at the time I was invited I had dutch elm disease.  They invited me several times, but I wood not go.  Some of my best friends are lumberjacks, and I know some crackerjacks, too.



Why is tourism down in Iraq and Afghanistan?


  
I once heard an avocado scream "Guacamole!" at a food blender.  

Time to go.  I'm off to improve the air quality in my head.