Reasons For False Alarms

Why are there so many false fire alarms? Here some reasons you won't find written on the inside of a matchbox:


- Fire alarms are creative and need to express themselves no matter what.


- Aliens from Pyro feed off the vibrations of fire alarms.  They set off fire alarms just to get something to eat.


- The ghost of Jim Morrison walks through Doors to light false fires. (Sometimes he asks for help to light his false fires.)


- Bored building security guards will trip the alarm to give themselves something to do.


- President Donald Trump and the Russians set off fire alarms in an attempt to detract from other news.


- Former Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper goes around setting off fire alarms. He has not been in the news lately and should be blamed for something.


- Some funny bone guy sets off fire alarms to give himself something to blog about.

STEPHEN WHO?

On the day after the Canadian election, a psychiatrist said, "And what makes you think that you're living a nightmare, Mr. Harper?"

***

Stephen Harper walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

Stephen Harper says, "I'll have a time machine and a person who can fix elections, please."

"I'm sorry," says the bartender, "I have a time machine, but the person who fixes elections is still in Florida living in a luxurious home built by George W. Bush."

***

Q:  How many Stephen Harpers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  Two.  One to change the light bulb, and the other to deny that he had anything to do with it.

***

STEPHEN HARPER WANTS RCMP TO CHARGE CANADIANS WITH ASSAULT

FOR GIVING HIM A SPANKING  

***

Q:  What's the difference between Stephen Harper and toast?

A:  Nothing.

***

Q:  Why did Stephen Harper cross the road?

A:  We don't know, and neither does he.

***

"I don't understand, doctor," said Stephen Harper to his psychiatrist on the day after the election.  "As prime minister I was cold, malicious, and vengeful.  Where did I go wrong?"

SOME UNCONNECTED STUFF

I saw a man striking the road with a big stick.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"My name is Jack," he said.

I said, "And don't you come back no more no more no more no more."

THREE WAYS TO STOP STRESS: 

1 - Stay calm

2 - Stay calm

3 - Don't repeat things

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper meets with

Pope Francis . . .

THE REASONS CBC FIRED EVAN SOLOMON

CBC says it fired Evan Solomon for using his position to sell art.  There were other reasons that did not make the news.

The CBC fired Evan Solomon because . . . 

- Pictures surfaced of Solomon in a hot tub massaging Prime Minister Stephen Harper;

- Solomon was late delivering pizza to a CBC executive party;

- During his annual performance review, Solomon was unable to answer the question: Why did the chicken watch CBC?

- The CBC found out about Solomon's job as Mike Duffy's personal trainer;

- CBC is testing Solomon's sense of humor to see whether he can take a joke;

-  The CBC found out that Stephen Harper was about to appoint Solomon to the Senate  (Hot tub massages can get you somewhere);  and finally,

The CBC fired Evan Solomon because Evan Solomon sexually assaulted Jian Ghomeshi.

CRAPPY CAPTIONS?

WHAT IF IT WASN'T A GROUNDHOG?

What if it was not a groundhog's shadow that predicted things?  What if . . .

"Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper saw his shadow this morning.  This means that we will have six more centuries of censorship and government secrecy."

"U.S. President Barack Obama saw his shadow this morning.  This means that we will have six more weeks of the Republicans finding fault with how the president looked at his shadow."

"Paul McCartney saw his shadow this morning.  He saw it while he was on the long and winding road. The fact that he saw his shadow means that Lucy was not in the sky with diamonds -- whatever that means."

"Elvis Presley emerged from the ground and saw his shadow this morning.  This means that he did not die, but is alive and well and living with groundhogs."

"Jian Ghomeshi emerged from his hiding place and saw his shadow this morning.  We have no idea what this means because Ghomeshi's shadow turned out to be Bill Cosby."

"A black hole emerged from the center of the Milky Way and saw its shadow.  This means The End of everything.  (Perhaps not everything, but certainly this blog.)

 

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER . . .

SEAN KILPATRICK/THE CANADIAN PRESS

"You want the sound of one hand clapping?  Here's the sound of one hand clapping!  Just don't ask me to give you democracy."

THE PRESIDENT OF CANADA PLEDGES ALLEGIANCE

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
 (Picture Courtesy of CBC)

A FAKE LAKE FROM A SNAKE

Stephen Harper what a snake.
Makes us pay for a fake lake.
Would thrifty Snake Stephen be,
Spending only his money?

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER ON DRUGS?

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is against legalizing marijuana. He says, "I've been very fortunate to live a drug-free life . . ." What? He has never had a coffee, a cigarette, taken a pill, or drank a beer?