COFFEE AND WHAT?

On the bus, this morning, I saw a man picking his nose.

"But that's not unusual."

He was eating what he picked from his nose.

"Yuck!  But that's still not unusual."

But he had a cup of coffee in his other hand, and would drink from it after he ate boogers from his nose.

"Okay, that's unusual."

Is this a new trend?  Will people one day meet for coffee and boogers?  Will you see signs in coffee shops and restaurants:

 

So, would you like to meet for a coffee and snot?

"Uh, no thanks." 

HOLIDAYS YOU NEVER HEARD OF

JULY 7 - SPILL-YOUR-COFFEE DAY

July 7 is celebrated every year to remember those who have spilled their cups of coffee ever since coffee was invented.
To celebrate this day, one must spill one's coffee on July 7 at 11:00 a.m.


MARCH 9 - MONEY-DOES- NOT-MATTER DAY

People who have lots of money celebrate this day.  People with no money are too busy looking for food and shelter to celebrate.


FEBRUARY 30 - DOES-NOT-EXIST DAY

February 30 is celebrated every year by people who do not exist.


SEPTEMBER 18 - CIA DAY

On this day, commemorating the date the CIA was founded in 1947, people celebrate by overthrowing governments, and trying out drugs on family and friends. 


JANUARY 27 - OUT-OF-WORK DAY

Every January 27, people celebrate this day even if they are not out of work.  They begin their day by sleeping in, and then eventually get up an mope.  


AUGUST 23 - INTELLIGENT-BUM DAY

All the smart-asses in the world celebrate this day to the point that everyone else gets irritated.


(FLOATING HOLIDAY) - NOTHING DAY

People celebrate Nothing Day on any day of the year.  It is especially popular on Out-Of-Work Day, January 27.  On Nothing Day people contemplate the vacuum of space and how much dust it can hold before you have to empty the bag. 

SIGNS YOU WILL NEVER SEE II

MISCELLANEOUS STUFF THAT CAME FROM THE MISCELLANEOUS FILE IN MY HEAD

An investigative rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-who?"  Cock-a-doodle-what?  Cock-a-doodle-when?  Cock-a-doodle-where?  Cock-a-doodle-why?"  

***

Would you trust a nutritionist whose idea of a healthy breakfast is organic coffee and a cigarette?

***

Does my courage resist stains and odors?  Is my courage dishwasher-safe?

***

I will fight, to the death, for assisted suicide! 

MY ADVENTURES AT TIM HORTONS AND DISCOVERING THAT THEY DO NOT BUTTER BOTH HALVES OF A BAGEL -- UNLESS YOU TELL THEM

I do not drink coffee and rarely eat doughnuts; so I do not go into Tim Hortons, a Canadian coffee shop chain.  The Wheelers, of Georgetown, Ontario, did not know that I did not drink coffee.  They gave me a Tim Hortons gift card for Christmas.  How kind and thoughtful of them!  I was not expecting a gift from them and they surprised me.

Recently I decided to use this gift card.  The young man behind the counter spoke and understood English.

"May I help you, sir," he asked.

"Yes, I'd like a buttered bagel, please," I said.

"You want it toasted with butter?" he asked.

"No, I'd like a plain bagel with butter, please."

"You want a plain bagel with butter on the side?"

"No, I want a plain bagel buttered."

"You don't want it toasted with butter?"

"No, just plain, please."

"You want just a plain bagel?"

"Yes, but buttered."

"Oh, you want a plain bagel with butter on the side."

"No, I want a plain bagel buttered!  You take a bagel, cut it in half and butter it."

"You sure you don't want it toasted?"

"No, just plain with butter, please.  Can you do that?"

'Yeah, I can do that."

I watched the young man cut the bagel in half and spread a microscopic amount of butter on half the bagel.  It took him a long time to butter the bagel because he made sure that the microscopic amount he had scooped was completely spread before he took another microscopic scoop to spread.  I looked away several times and thought that I had missed him spreading microscopic amounts of butter on the other half of the bagel.  When I got to my table, only one half of the bagel was buttered.  I said nothing, but made a mental note, "Never again!"

I chose a different Tim Hortons for my second adventure.  The woman behind the counter spoke and understood English.

"May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"Yes, I would like a buttered bagel, and please make sure that you butter both halves of the bagel."

"Would you like it toasted?" she asked.

"No, just cut it in half and butter both halves, please."

I watched her take a bagel, cut it in half and put both halves in the toaster.

"No!" I said. "I don't want it toasted."

"Oh sorry, sorry, sorry," she said.

She quickly removed both halves from the toaster.

"I just want you to butter both halves and give it to me."

"Okay, sorry," she said.

She buttered both halves of the bagel with slightly more than microscopic amounts of butter.  I did not care as long as both halves were buttered.

Tim Hortons must pay its employees a bonus for how many bagels they toast.  Either that, or I am the only person on Earth who orders bagels not toasted.

I understand Tim Hortons instructing its employees to save on butter, but how stingy to butter only half of a bagel.

Tim Hortons should use the money it saves on butter to pay for LISTENING lessons for its employees.

QUESTIONS . . .

Did Groucho Marx shoot an elephant in my pajamas
 
Should I use some of the rocks in my head for my garden?

Does deodorant use deodorant?

Is marriage really all that hard for the first fifty years?

Was there more to Dorothy's relationship with the Wizard of Oz? 

Are the friends of my enemies friends with each other?

Did writer John Updike write any books about the flow of water? 

What does coffee drink when it is tired? 

If the end does not come now, then when?

Godzilla, who is allergic to coffee, finds other ways to kickstart his day.

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER ON DRUGS?

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is against legalizing marijuana. He says, "I've been very fortunate to live a drug-free life . . ." What? He has never had a coffee, a cigarette, taken a pill, or drank a beer?