It's All About Butter

Butter walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
"I'll have a beer, please," said Butter.
The bartender brought Butter a beer.  Butter drank the beer and started to leave.
"Wait a minute," said the bartender, "haven't you got anything funny to say to make this a joke?"
"No," replied Butter and left.



"Why did Butter cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"Fate."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Butter."

"Butter who?"

"Butter Me Up and I'll promote you."

Butter overheard talking on its cell phone:

"I'm spread kinda thin here, but I still think I can make a sandwich."

Butter's Lament:

"Alas, I have no plural."

"How much butter does it take to change a light bulb?"

"Salted, or unsalted?"

"Yes."

"I don't know.  How much butter does it take to change a light bulb?"

"Lots and lots of butter because butter makes a light bulb slippery."

Religious Fact:

There is no solid butter in Hell.

Is butternut a mental illness?

Is butterfly a slippery zipper?

Butter walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Are you going to say something funny to make this a joke?"

And Butter said, "Something funny to make this a joke.  Happy?  Now give me a beer before this blog ends."

MY ADVENTURES AT TIM HORTONS AND DISCOVERING THAT THEY DO NOT BUTTER BOTH HALVES OF A BAGEL -- UNLESS YOU TELL THEM

I do not drink coffee and rarely eat doughnuts; so I do not go into Tim Hortons, a Canadian coffee shop chain.  The Wheelers, of Georgetown, Ontario, did not know that I did not drink coffee.  They gave me a Tim Hortons gift card for Christmas.  How kind and thoughtful of them!  I was not expecting a gift from them and they surprised me.

Recently I decided to use this gift card.  The young man behind the counter spoke and understood English.

"May I help you, sir," he asked.

"Yes, I'd like a buttered bagel, please," I said.

"You want it toasted with butter?" he asked.

"No, I'd like a plain bagel with butter, please."

"You want a plain bagel with butter on the side?"

"No, I want a plain bagel buttered."

"You don't want it toasted with butter?"

"No, just plain, please."

"You want just a plain bagel?"

"Yes, but buttered."

"Oh, you want a plain bagel with butter on the side."

"No, I want a plain bagel buttered!  You take a bagel, cut it in half and butter it."

"You sure you don't want it toasted?"

"No, just plain with butter, please.  Can you do that?"

'Yeah, I can do that."

I watched the young man cut the bagel in half and spread a microscopic amount of butter on half the bagel.  It took him a long time to butter the bagel because he made sure that the microscopic amount he had scooped was completely spread before he took another microscopic scoop to spread.  I looked away several times and thought that I had missed him spreading microscopic amounts of butter on the other half of the bagel.  When I got to my table, only one half of the bagel was buttered.  I said nothing, but made a mental note, "Never again!"

I chose a different Tim Hortons for my second adventure.  The woman behind the counter spoke and understood English.

"May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"Yes, I would like a buttered bagel, and please make sure that you butter both halves of the bagel."

"Would you like it toasted?" she asked.

"No, just cut it in half and butter both halves, please."

I watched her take a bagel, cut it in half and put both halves in the toaster.

"No!" I said. "I don't want it toasted."

"Oh sorry, sorry, sorry," she said.

She quickly removed both halves from the toaster.

"I just want you to butter both halves and give it to me."

"Okay, sorry," she said.

She buttered both halves of the bagel with slightly more than microscopic amounts of butter.  I did not care as long as both halves were buttered.

Tim Hortons must pay its employees a bonus for how many bagels they toast.  Either that, or I am the only person on Earth who orders bagels not toasted.

I understand Tim Hortons instructing its employees to save on butter, but how stingy to butter only half of a bagel.

Tim Hortons should use the money it saves on butter to pay for LISTENING lessons for its employees.

GREAT INVENTIONS THAT EXIST ONLY IN THIS BLOG

Steam-Engine Wrist Watch   (Never needs batteries, but you may burn your wrist if you are not careful)



Me Phone  (For people with English that ain't that good)



Flying Butter  (Will be a great invention when someone invents flying bread)



Heavy Bulb  (Lasts a thousand times longer than a Light Bulb)



We interrupt this blog to bring you Space, The Final Frontier . . .


















We now return you to this blog about great inventions . . .



Mistakes That Erase Themselves  (A politician's dream)



Black and White Rainbows  (For people who cannot see colors)



Sunshine Memories  (Used on rainy days)



That's Enough  (Used instead of The End)

CERTAINLY NOT WORDS OF WISDOM

Where there is ambition, there is no other word because ambition was there first.


Am I desirable if I desire desire?



Pain is painful when it hurts.



I would ask you for help, but you are busy reading this and I am somewhere at large.



Happiness is  . . .  Happiness is a word that begins with H.



Ignorance used to be bliss, but that was before its word-change operation.



I will love you as long as I don't know you.



If I knew better, then I would spread it on my bread.  But I only know butter.



This is not an optical illusion, and neither is it a tree, truck or trap.  What is this?  This is the final sentence of today's nonsense.