Advice From A . . .

"Always wash your hands."

                              - A Doorknob

"Use deodorant."

                  - A Crutch

"Don't stare at me."

                         - A Ceiling

"Always leave your food out. Never put it away."

                                                 - A Mouse.

"Play with me."

                  - A Toy

"Think of the homeless elf."

                             - A Mushroom in a kitchen pot

"It's bad luck to open me when it rains."

                           - An Umbrella and member of DUA (The Dry Umbrella Association)

"Go out of me!  Go out of me!"

                                                     - A Mind

"Stop thinking about me and do something."

                                                 - Hope

"Spend your time wisely."

                                               - A Cell Phone

"Please do not fart."

                                              - A Bicycle Seat

"Happiness is surrounding yourself with water."

                                                     - An Island

"Wrong, Island. Happiness is surrounding yourself with space."

                                                        - A Star

"You're both wrong.  Happiness is a hot crotch."

                                                 - Underwear

"All three of you are right.  I am many things to many things and people.  Right now, I am an ending to this blog.  This should make many things and people happy."

                                                                       - Happiness

AFFIRMATIONS

I am in control of my bladder and bowels.


I can act like an idiot in any situation.


I feel a great sense of happiness, security and well-being while I'm in denial.


I am grateful for all the grapefruit in my life.


I accept, appreciate and love myself while I masturbate.


I am positively negative in a positive way. 


I am a channel for pee-pee and caca.


I am peaceful and calm when unconscious.


I choose money--lots and lots of money. 


All is well. (I just fell in.)


I let go of love and embrace fear.


I am that I am, and that's it. 

SO MUCH FOR SELF HELP

 

I tried to transform my problems into opportunities, but my transformation machine broke down.  This machine is impossible to fix because it doesn't exist.

I'm afraid I worry too much about getting free from fear and anxiety.

I want to unburden myself from my past resentments, but I forget where I left them.  They're around here somewhere.

I am trying to create an action plan for happiness, but keep loosing when I play the lotteries.

Perhaps I should forget all this self-help crap and become a rock.  There are no unhappy rocks, but there are lots of Gladstones.

See how happy William Ewart Gladstone is?

 

ALL ABOUT MONEY

Q:  Why did the money cross the road?
A:  To get to the bar on the other side.



Money walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Wow!  You can have anything you want."
And money says, "I'll have happiness, please."
"Uh-er-uh--sorry," says the bartender, "you can have almost anything you want."
"Thanks," says money as it walks out.



Q:  Why did the rich man cross the road?
A:  He was following the money.



A rich man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
The rich man says, "Nothing thanks.  Have you seen my money?  We were together and somehow we parted."
"Are you a fool?" asks the bartender.
"Yes," says the rich man, "but that won't matter once I get elected."



"I used to own a big house, a Mercedes Benz, and had a fortune in the bank, but I gave it all up," said a man on a park bench.
"Why?  You weren't happy?" asked a passerby.
"No," said the man, "I owe taxes and the government seized everything."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Money."

"Money who?"

"I lied.  It's Death and that's it for this blog."

CERTAINLY NOT WORDS OF WISDOM

Where there is ambition, there is no other word because ambition was there first.


Am I desirable if I desire desire?



Pain is painful when it hurts.



I would ask you for help, but you are busy reading this and I am somewhere at large.



Happiness is  . . .  Happiness is a word that begins with H.



Ignorance used to be bliss, but that was before its word-change operation.



I will love you as long as I don't know you.



If I knew better, then I would spread it on my bread.  But I only know butter.



This is not an optical illusion, and neither is it a tree, truck or trap.  What is this?  This is the final sentence of today's nonsense.

RANDOM THOUGHTS . . .

Do I have too much time on my hands?  Why doesn't it come off with soap?

If there is a God, then why doesn't He or She or They or It or --
 (I forgot the rest of my question.)

Have you ever seen happiness --actual happiness -- for sale in a store or anywhere else?  Neither have I.  This explains why money can't buy happiness.

How come people will not steal movies from a DVD store because stealing is wrong, but think nothing of stealing movies off the Internet?

The sign in a store says, Open 7 Days A Week, but it does not say which days.

I must be getting old.  I let the good times roll and almost broke my leg.

I can't remember the name of the person who invented bad memories.

If there is a God, then why doesn't He or She or They or It make the world a better place by stopping me from blogging?

Time to wash my hands . . .

RANDOM THOUGHTS . . .

What is happiness without happiness?

Will joining  Bugs Against Pesticides (BAP) bring meaning to my life?

I wish today was today.

Plonk!

Can dreams come false?

Should I start drinking and doing drugs so I can relate to my kids?

Is 347 years old the new 150?

Where is this box that you are supposed to think outside of?

Should I give vampires my mortal support?

I hope to live until I die.