Bugs

Thirteen Courses Offered by the CIA

As part of its transparency policy, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) has set up a schoolhouse to offer the public the following 13 courses:

- Mindfulness Meditation and Torture

- Assassinations 101

- Communications and Mind Control

- Popsicles and Propaganda

- How To Support A Puppet Government

- Deep-State Relaxation

- Computer Hacking for Fun and Profit

- Successful Gardening After A Coup

- Fun With Forgery

- Cooking and Kitchen-Counter Intelligence

- How To Use A Paper Shredder

- Assisted Suicide Whether It Is Wanted or Not

- How To Lie When Telling The Truth.

Students are urged to register as soon as possible before the CIA denies that it exists.

Not All About Dreams

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Dream a little."

"Dream a little who?"

"Dream a little dream of me."

"Why?"

"Because . . . 

"Stars shining bright above you

         Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
              Birds singing in the sycamore trees
                     Dream a little dream of me."

"I don't know what is worse, your singing or sense of humor."

"Say nighty-night and kiss me

        Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
                While I'm alone and blue as can be
                      Dream a little dream of me."

"Okay.  Okay. Your singing is worse.  How about telling me another joke?"

"Why did the dream cross the road?"

"Why?"

"To not make sense on the other side."

"Have you ever considered contacting the CIA to have them use your singing and joke-telling talents as tools of torture?"

"No.  That reminds me, why did the CIA cross the road?"

"But I thought this blog was about dreams."

"It's not all about dreams.  Why did the CIA cross the road?"

"I dunno."

"To infiltrate the other side.

"I can hear the terrorists, in the CIA's torture chamber, pleading for you to stop telling jokes."

"How many dreams does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"Just one, but the light bulb has to be asleep."

A dream walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

And the dream said, "No more fantasy.  I'll have a glass of reality, please."

And the bartender said, "Reality from this dimension, or another?"

And the dream said, "It doesn't--"

"That's it!  I've had enough.  I'm outta here."

"Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you

Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you

But in your dreams whatever they be

Dream a little dream of me."

The Ides of March Conspiracy

Did Julius Caesar die on March 15, 44 B.C.?  Some say he was tipped off by a CIA informant about the plot against his life. Caesar hired a double to take his place at the Senate that fateful morning.  It was the double who was killed.

Caesar escaped and went to Mexico where he got into the salad-making business.  During an interview Caesar said, "I had it with politics.  You don't know who your friends are.  The instant you turn your back someone is sticking a knife in it."

Recently, some UFO abductees say they saw Caesar serving his salad to the aliens on board a flying saucer.  The abductees say that the aliens are keeping Caesar alive forever because they love his salad.

Adolph Hitler dismissed the Ides of March Conspiracy.  Hitler said, "Suggesting that anyone can fake his or her death and live in another country is ridiculous."  

Plots For Stories Not Yet Written

A CIA agent frets over shredding his dog after the dog eats a top secret.  The story gets complicated when the CIA agent discovers that his dog is too big for the shredder.



A doll creates havoc for a little girl and her family when the doll is possessed by the evil spirit of a stink bug.



Activists from Black Lives Matter take a black hole to court because the black hole sucked up everything instead of only sucking up things that are black.  

The subplot deals with an inter-spice marriage between ginger and oregano.  There are concerns that the children won't know what spice they are.



Michael Jackson returns from the dead and attempts to solve the Kennedy assassination. Jackson's efforts are hindered by a priest with ties to foreign dolphins that wear beads.



One dark and stormy night, a funny bone technician finds half a brain.  He suddenly becomes dangerous.

WHO KILLED JFK?

On Friday November 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy had his plans ruined for the day.  Who ruined JFK's plans?  Here are some theories:


Jackie Kennedy hired Donal Trump to kill her husband after JFK took out a life insurance policy.  Trump used the money to build a financial empire.


John Wilkes Booth killed JFK.  On April 14, 1865, Booth fell into a black hole which sent him to November 22, 1963.  A confused Booth shot Kennedy thinking that Kennedy was Lincoln.


Bill Cosby killed killed Kennedy.  Cosby was angry at Kennedy for sleeping with Cosby's girlfriends. 



Barack Obama killed Kennedy because JFK took Obama's birth certificate.


Aldolphus J. Klinkenbroomer killed Kennedy.  Klinkenbroomer was a loner and a loser who failed at everything he did.  Klinkenbroomer killed Kennedy to become famous.


Hillary Clinton killed JFK.  Wikileaks will release e-mails explaining why.


To get out of a loveless marriage, JFK shot himself.  To make it look as if someone else shot him, JFK skillfully used mirrors, duct tape and Silly Putty.


No one killed JFK.  Kennedy never existed.  You don't exist.  This blog does not exist.  The whole Universe is part of a CIA mind-control experiment.

IT'S ABOUT A JOB . . .

"I used to be a horseshoe for a large horse," said the toilet seat.  "Then I went to university and earned a PhD in Waste Management.  Now I work as the Senior Toilet Seat in a washroom at the University of Toronto."

*

"I make my money from writing," said  A. Can.  "I recently finished a book titled, How To Collect Garbage."

 *

"When I grow up," said the little girl, "I would like to work as a secret for the CIA."

*

"One day I will have the Moon's job," said the asteroid.  "I would get paid to run around the Earth every month, and cause nutty things to happen when I am full.  What fun, and what a way to stay in shape!"

*

"I would like to be the number 3.  I like to have people counting on me."

*

"How much education do you need to get work as a bathtub?"

*

"I once worked as a bomb, and then BOOM my job was gone."

*

"Has fire, working at any job, ever been fired?"

*

"I stopped working as a genius once I got a television."

*

"What education does one need to work as an accident?  A Master's Degree in Chance?"

*

"If you never want to be out of work," said the job counselor, "then get a job as a war."

*

"If I wasn't a funny bone technician," said Gary, "then I would work as a gaudy tie."

HOLIDAYS YOU NEVER HEARD OF

JULY 7 - SPILL-YOUR-COFFEE DAY

July 7 is celebrated every year to remember those who have spilled their cups of coffee ever since coffee was invented.
To celebrate this day, one must spill one's coffee on July 7 at 11:00 a.m.


MARCH 9 - MONEY-DOES- NOT-MATTER DAY

People who have lots of money celebrate this day.  People with no money are too busy looking for food and shelter to celebrate.


FEBRUARY 30 - DOES-NOT-EXIST DAY

February 30 is celebrated every year by people who do not exist.


SEPTEMBER 18 - CIA DAY

On this day, commemorating the date the CIA was founded in 1947, people celebrate by overthrowing governments, and trying out drugs on family and friends. 


JANUARY 27 - OUT-OF-WORK DAY

Every January 27, people celebrate this day even if they are not out of work.  They begin their day by sleeping in, and then eventually get up an mope.  


AUGUST 23 - INTELLIGENT-BUM DAY

All the smart-asses in the world celebrate this day to the point that everyone else gets irritated.


(FLOATING HOLIDAY) - NOTHING DAY

People celebrate Nothing Day on any day of the year.  It is especially popular on Out-Of-Work Day, January 27.  On Nothing Day people contemplate the vacuum of space and how much dust it can hold before you have to empty the bag. 

Hmmmmmmmmm . . .

A public transit inspector, in full uniform, emerges from the Dufferin Subway station and takes a taxi.

***

Now-in-power politicians on the Left push for a pipeline in Alberta that they were against when politicians on the Right were in power and wanted a pipeline.

***

Did Prince cause 911?

Did the CIA finally catch up with him?

A CONVERSATION WITH BILL SHAKESPEARE

My good friend "Bill" Shakespeare was born April 23, 1564 and died April 23, 1616.  I spoke to him earlier today on this his birth and death day.

GJ:  So Bill, what's it like to be 452 years old?

WS:  Not bad.  I don't know whether it's worse to be 452 years old, or dead for 400 years.

GJ:  Why did you die on your birthday?

WS:  It was not my idea.  Lee Harvey Oswald poisoned me.

GJ:  How could Oswald murder you on April 23,1616 when he was not born until October 18, 1939?

WS:  There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Gary, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

GJ:  Okay, so why would Oswald murder you? 

WS:  I don't know.  Perhaps he did not like one of my plays.

Suddenly Bill disappeared!  I suspect the CIA had something to do with it.  They did not want me getting more information about Lee Harvey Oswald's involvement in William Shakespeare's death.

 

CONSPIRACIES THAT NEVER HAPPENED

Elvis Presley killed President John F. Kennedy because Kennedy had an affair with one of Elvis' girlfriends.  Elvis faked his own death to avoid getting caught.  Elvis also killed Michael Jackson because Jackson found out about Elvis killing Kennedy and was going to expose Elvis.
Elvis remains at large.  There are rumors that he is living somewhere in Argentina with Adolph Hitler. 

 ***

Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was an undercover cop working to bust a cocaine cartel run by the CIA.  The CIA effectively stopped Rob Ford by creating a cocaine video about Ford taking cocaine.  The CIA leaked the video to the press.  The CIA also gave Rob Ford cancer.

*** 

A polluted ghost appeared to some members of Greenpeace and said, "Climate change is caused by hot air from politicians."

***

The numbers 5 + 4 and 8 + 3 were behind 911.

***

German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche killed God, and took his job.  (That's why things aren't going too well.)

***

"The truth is out there."

"Yeah?  Tell it to get inside before it catches a cold."

MY BOOK OF QUESTIONS

My Book of  Questions was recently published on the planet Jargonthynos.  The date for the publication of an Earth edition is not known.  Here is an excerpt:

Are dogs lucky that fire hydrants never complain?  


Do fire hydrants have low self-esteem?

What perverse pleasure does God get by sending earthquakes, hurricanes, and other disasters?

Was there a fifth season whose murder was committed and covered up by the CIA?


Is "Icon" something a jailbird says who does not know the word "am" and the indefinite article "a"?


How come black holes don't have a reality show?


What make and model of car does God drive?  Does he get good deals on gas?


Are sweepstakes brooms made from cows?


Has the world ended yet?

YOU READ IT HERE FIRST . . .

The CIA was responsible for the flood that destroyed the world.  They made it appear as if God did it, but it was all CIA.  Noah was saved because he was a paid CIA informant.

The CIA had a machine that controlled the weather.  I am not at liberty to say how I obtained the following conversation:


"It's the weather machine, sir," said the CIA agent.

"What about it?" asked the CIA boss. 

"It's out of control and we don't know why, or how to stop it."

"So?  There will be weather that we can't control until we fix it.  What's the big deal?"

"The big deal, sir, is that soon it will make it rain for forty days and forty nights causing a flood."

"Hmmm . . .   Is Noah still on our payroll?"

"Yes sir." 
     
"Good.  Get him to finish that damn ark he's been farting around with.  Tell him to collect all the animals' DNA and take it the ark.  Tell him we will have a cover story about God destroying the world, etc., etc."

"A cover story about God destroying the world, sir?  Who is going to believe that an all-loving God would kill his children?"

"Don't worry.  If we plant the story in a holy book called The Bible, then a lot of people will believe it."

"Okay, sir, if you say so."

"I take it that we're safe in this building no matter what the weather machine does?"

"Yes sir."  

"Good.  Now go tell Noah to get busy."

"Yes, sir." 


Remember, you read it here first.