ON EXIT

Exit lived in Rome from 149 BC until 92 BC.  Not much is known about his life other than his mother was a woman and his father was a man.

Exit, whose writings influenced William Shakespeare, once wrote:

"To leave,

Or not to leave?

That is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler  

To suffer the bings 

And bangs of boredom,

Or take action and leave

 Ennui in the Sea of Apathy . . ."

"Why did Exit cross the road?"

"He was following a chicken?"

"No, to leave on the other side."

"How many Exits does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know."

"Just one, but make sure Exit changes the light bulb before he leaves."

"Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Exit."

"Exit who?"

(This joke ended because Exit left.)

Exit walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Why do you bother coming in here?  You order a drink, but leave while I'm making it."

And Exit said, "Okay, this time I won't order.  Duty calls.  Goodbye."

In Rome about 93 BC, a year before he made his final departure, Exit and his friends were at a toga party.  Exit's friends accused him of having delusions of grandeur after he said, "One day, my name will be everywhere."

A CONVERSATION WITH BILL SHAKESPEARE

My good friend "Bill" Shakespeare was born April 23, 1564 and died April 23, 1616.  I spoke to him earlier today on this his birth and death day.

GJ:  So Bill, what's it like to be 452 years old?

WS:  Not bad.  I don't know whether it's worse to be 452 years old, or dead for 400 years.

GJ:  Why did you die on your birthday?

WS:  It was not my idea.  Lee Harvey Oswald poisoned me.

GJ:  How could Oswald murder you on April 23,1616 when he was not born until October 18, 1939?

WS:  There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Gary, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

GJ:  Okay, so why would Oswald murder you? 

WS:  I don't know.  Perhaps he did not like one of my plays.

Suddenly Bill disappeared!  I suspect the CIA had something to do with it.  They did not want me getting more information about Lee Harvey Oswald's involvement in William Shakespeare's death.

 

A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM

I had a dream that I was William Shakespeare, and that I was in love with Walt Disney.  But Walt Disney did not love me.  He was in love with Mickey Mouse.  But Mickey Mouse did not love Walt Disney.  Mickey was in love with Donald Trump.  But Donald Trump did not love Mickey.  Donald Trump was in love with Kurt Vonnegut.  And so it goes.

I went to the fairies to get a love potion to make Walt Disney fall in love with me.  I arrived at the dark enchanted forest at 3:55 p.m.  They told me that I had to fill out some forms, but that they were closing the enchanted forest at four.  I would have come back the next day at 8:00 a.m. when they opened.  

The fairies used to be available 24 hours a day 7 days a week, but that was before the Teamsters union bargained to get fairies working Monday to Friday, 8 to 4, with weekends off.

The fairies said that I did not have to wait until the next day to fill out the forms.  They said that I could go to their website and fill out the forms online.  Unfortunately I, as William Shakespeare, did not have a computer or any computer skills.

In the meantime, Donald Trump managed to corner Kurt Vonnegut and propose marriage.  Kurt Vonnegut said, "No."  This caused Donald Trump to sink deep into depression and declare his candidacy for President of the United States.  He would run as a Republican.

How devastating for Mickey Mouse was when he heard this.  Mickey Mouse comes from a long line of Democrats.  Mickey Mouse fled from Disneyland and went to Neverland where he met and fell in love with Peter Pan.  And Peter Pan fell in love with Mickey Mouse.

Suddenly I was in the fruit store that Mickey and Peter opened in Neverland.  I was looking for a nice ripe bunch of bananas.  And then I woke up.  And so it goes.

A FANTASTIC STORY?

I ran out of ideas while writing a story about a writer who is blocked.  He was halfway through his novel when his characters went on strike for better character traits.  They felt that they should be equal to the characters created by William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, and Mark Twain.  How can writers write when their characters refuse to work for them?

I never thought that my main character's characters' strike would affect me.  If their strike does not end soon, then I will abandon this story and hope the literary police do not arrest and charge me with Criminal Negligence and Story Abandonment.

It was such a fantastic story idea before I ruined it by turning it into writing. 

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE SAID IT BEST . . .

William Shakespeare said it best, "It's fucking cold outside!"

 

William Shakespeare also said, "Who the hell wrote my plays?"

The last words of Socrates? "Hey!  I asked for Kool-Aid.  This isn't Kool-Aid." 


Walt Disney said this?  "I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known." (Google this quote if you doubt me)  



"This play is boring.  Something better happen soon or else I'm leaving."
                                    - Abraham Lincoln


"I have nothing to offer but blood, sweat and tears.  I haven't got Ebola so everyone should be okay."
                                  - Winston Churhill 
 "Can I have one of the three?"
                       - Dracula to Winston


 "I'm spending waay too much money on razors!"
                           - The Wolfman


"The End is near!"
              - A Flea on a Dog's Tail

THINGS THEY SAID THAT NEVER MADE THE QUOTE BOOKS

"Writer's block?  Is that like a desk for writers?"
                                 - William Shakespeare


"She barely smiles.  Why won't she laugh at my jokes?"
                                 - Leonardo Da Vinci


"An apple a day keeps the doctor away?  I don't think so!"
                                  - Sir Isaac Newton 


"What's wrong with asking questions?"
                                   - Socrates


"How many light bulbs does it take to invent one?"
                                   - Thomas Edison


 "Whenever I want to be bewildered, I read the stuff I've written."
                                   - James Joyce


"I tell lies all the time so one day they will make me President."
                                   - George Washington  


 "I had a dream I got Carl Jung pregnant."
                                   - Sigmund Freud 
  

"March is my favorite month of the year."
                                   - Julius Caesar

                              "What?"

                                  - Ludwig van Beethoven

WANTED - DEAD OR ALIVE - FOR THEFT OF PLOTS FROM OTHER SOURCES.

William Shakespeare

REASONS TO KILL MYSELF

Sure I'm depressed over being lonely, homeless, jobless and broke.  But this is no reason to want to kill myself.  If I were going to kill myself, then it would be for serious reasons such as . . .

- Being forced to watch the movie made from The Merriam-Webster Dictionary

- Constantly having dreams that I was sleeping

- Discovering that William Shakespeare played a role in the Kennedy assassination

- Going back to school with a bunch of fish

- Believing what I think I believe I think I believe

- Being told that what I think I believe I think I believe is not true

- Finding out that I am mortal, and only have another 347 years to live

- Going through puberty for a third time  (The second time was worse than the first.)

- Dating a chimney and having the relationship go up in smoke

- Being unable to return my defective brain because I lost the receipt

- Discovering  that I do not have the courage to face life indirectly

- Not being able to cause a pain in necks or other body parts that are lower

And finally, I would kill myself if I learned that this blog has no nutritional value.