GROUNDHOG QUESTIONS AND OTHER STUFF

Does a groundhog seeing its shadow have anything to do with Black History?

Do invisible groundhogs ever see their shadows?

Why did the ground hog cross the road?
It was following a chicken's shadow.

Why did another groundhog cross the road?
It didn't.  Roadkill.

A groundhog walks into a bar looking so sad and the bartender says, "What's wrong?"
The groundhog says, "Gimme a stiff drink.  My shadow left me for Peter Pan." 

(I used the following joke before, and am using it again because I have a bad memory.)

Jian Ghomeshi saw his shadow this morning, and it was Bill Cosby.


"Mommy, why do people think we can forecast the weather with our shadows?" asked the little groundhog.
"Who knows?" said the mother. "People think a lot of silly things."

A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM

I had a dream that I was William Shakespeare, and that I was in love with Walt Disney.  But Walt Disney did not love me.  He was in love with Mickey Mouse.  But Mickey Mouse did not love Walt Disney.  Mickey was in love with Donald Trump.  But Donald Trump did not love Mickey.  Donald Trump was in love with Kurt Vonnegut.  And so it goes.

I went to the fairies to get a love potion to make Walt Disney fall in love with me.  I arrived at the dark enchanted forest at 3:55 p.m.  They told me that I had to fill out some forms, but that they were closing the enchanted forest at four.  I would have come back the next day at 8:00 a.m. when they opened.  

The fairies used to be available 24 hours a day 7 days a week, but that was before the Teamsters union bargained to get fairies working Monday to Friday, 8 to 4, with weekends off.

The fairies said that I did not have to wait until the next day to fill out the forms.  They said that I could go to their website and fill out the forms online.  Unfortunately I, as William Shakespeare, did not have a computer or any computer skills.

In the meantime, Donald Trump managed to corner Kurt Vonnegut and propose marriage.  Kurt Vonnegut said, "No."  This caused Donald Trump to sink deep into depression and declare his candidacy for President of the United States.  He would run as a Republican.

How devastating for Mickey Mouse was when he heard this.  Mickey Mouse comes from a long line of Democrats.  Mickey Mouse fled from Disneyland and went to Neverland where he met and fell in love with Peter Pan.  And Peter Pan fell in love with Mickey Mouse.

Suddenly I was in the fruit store that Mickey and Peter opened in Neverland.  I was looking for a nice ripe bunch of bananas.  And then I woke up.  And so it goes.

A PSYCHIC TOLD ME . . .

A psychic told me that one day I will die.  Should I believe her?  She has made right and wrong predictions.

Here are the predictions that came true:

• that spring would come after winter;
• that things would stay the same if they do not change;
• a picture is worth a thousand words;
• the Super Bowl would have one winner and one loser; and,
• that 2 + 2 = 5 to people poor at math.

Here are the predictions that did not come true:

• that Jesus Christ and Elvis Presley would return on July 20, 2014, and give a church service with rock music in Central Park;
• that American and Canadian governments would honor the treaties with Native Americans and First Nations;
• that feminist groups would invite comedian Bill Cosby to speak at their meetings;
• on March 17, 2015, Ireland would experience a severe earthquake revealing where St. Patrick hid the snakes; and,
• on March 23, 2015, Peter Pan and Harry Potter would hold a press conference announcing their engagement.

I will let you know whether her prediction about my death comes true.

ON CRIME

A criminal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

"I've just escaped," says the criminal.  "Have you got anything that will reduce my sentence when they catch me?"

"I sure do," says the bartender.

The bartender serves him a martini garnished with arsenic.

***

***

Q:  Why did the criminal cross the road?

A:  To steal a chicken.

***

"Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?"

"A robber."

"A robber who?"

"Never mind and gimme your money!"

***

***

Oh the poor robber!  He froze to death trying to rob a snowbank.

***

BREAKING NEWS:  Toronto Police arrested and charged a writer with theft.  Police said that Sam Scribbler was at the public library stealing ideas.  Scribbler will appear in court on June 31.

***

PETER PAN'S SHADOW JAILED FOR DESERTION!

***

The judge says to the criminal, "Have you got anything to say before I sentence you?"

"Yes," says the criminal.

"What would you like to say?"

"I love action.  If you're gonna sentence me, then could you make me a predicate?"

***

ENOUGH ABOUT ME . . . LET'S TALK ABOUT ME

I am Gary Johnston of Toronto -- not to be confused with Gary Johnston of Toronto.  Except for the hair, eyes, nose, mouth and skin color, I look like Brad Pitt.  

From the time I was little, as far back as I can remember, I always thought, "When I grow up, I want to be bigger."

My hobbies are thinking, thinking about thinking, and thinking about thinking about thinking.  I also enjoy finding the sadness in everyday life.  It is a wasted day if I have not cried at least once.

I was married for several years.  I married because I was in love.  The marriage did not work out.  If I marry again, then it will be for money.  

My political beliefs lie between Peter Pan and Wyatt Earp.

As for my religious beliefs, I wonder whether God believes in me.  If She does, then She has a funny way of showing it.

There is only one thing I hope to do before I die: return my library books.   I do not want overdue fines hanging over my head for Eternity?

"Quick. Put this on. Why did you go surfing naked? And why didn't you use a surfboard like everyone else? C'mon let's go before that drunken Peter Pan and Wendy barf on us!"