THINGS ST.PATRICK NEVER SAID . . .

                                                St. Patrick (385 - March 17, 461)?

"I hope I live long enough to see the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup." 

"I like snakes.  Some of my best friends are snakes.  One day I hope to retire and raise snakes."

"My snot is green.  Why can't my pee be green?"

"Fear God because he carries a big, big, big stick."

"I must make Ireland Christian so people will have something to fight about for years to come."

"If I wasn't a saint, then I'd be a goalie for the Toronto Maple Leafs."

"Why do people drink and celebrate on the day I died?"

A PSYCHIC TOLD ME . . .

A psychic told me that one day I will die.  Should I believe her?  She has made right and wrong predictions.

Here are the predictions that came true:

• that spring would come after winter;
• that things would stay the same if they do not change;
• a picture is worth a thousand words;
• the Super Bowl would have one winner and one loser; and,
• that 2 + 2 = 5 to people poor at math.

Here are the predictions that did not come true:

• that Jesus Christ and Elvis Presley would return on July 20, 2014, and give a church service with rock music in Central Park;
• that American and Canadian governments would honor the treaties with Native Americans and First Nations;
• that feminist groups would invite comedian Bill Cosby to speak at their meetings;
• on March 17, 2015, Ireland would experience a severe earthquake revealing where St. Patrick hid the snakes; and,
• on March 23, 2015, Peter Pan and Harry Potter would hold a press conference announcing their engagement.

I will let you know whether her prediction about my death comes true.

ST. PATRICK'S DAY NEWS

Why did St. Patrick chase the snakes out of Ireland?  They were about to expose him as a snake molester.  Several snakes have come forward claiming that St. Patrick sexually assaulted them.  He forced them to leave Ireland when they threatened to report what he had done.  

Harry Barry O'Halloran, St. Patrick's lawyer, said that the allegations were "one hundred percent absolutely entirely completely no-doubt-about-it false."  Police are investigating and no charges have been laid.  O'Halloran said that these allegations should not stop people from celebrating and enjoying St. Patrick's Day.