HEADLINE HALLUCINATIONS

DONALD TRUMP AND HILLARY CLINTON SECRET LOVERS

TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS WIN STANLEY CUP

SOLDIERS AROUND THE WORLD STOP FIGHTING TO PLAY POKEMON

PICASSO'S LOST DIARY ADMITS

 THAT HE CANNOT DRAW

GOVERNMENT CANCELS INCOME TAX

NATION'S POLITICIANS AGREE

 TO WORK FOR NO MONEY

 MICHAEL JACKSON FOUND 

ALIVE ON THE MOON

EARTH ADMITS BEING MENOPAUSAL

GLOBAL WARMING ONLY HOT FLASHES

GOVERNMENT TO RETURN MISSPENT 

MONEY TO TAXPAYERS

CANCER CAUSES SMOKING ACCORDING

TO NEW STUDY

FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN ENDS

 BLOG TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

THINGS ST.PATRICK NEVER SAID . . .

                                                St. Patrick (385 - March 17, 461)?

"I hope I live long enough to see the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup." 

"I like snakes.  Some of my best friends are snakes.  One day I hope to retire and raise snakes."

"My snot is green.  Why can't my pee be green?"

"Fear God because he carries a big, big, big stick."

"I must make Ireland Christian so people will have something to fight about for years to come."

"If I wasn't a saint, then I'd be a goalie for the Toronto Maple Leafs."

"Why do people drink and celebrate on the day I died?"

SNIPPETS OF CONVERSATIONS FROM FLYING SAUCERS . . .

 

THINGS WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE NEVER SAID

To pee, or not to pee?
That is the question.
Whether it is nobler in the mind
To use the washroom here, or risk suffering
The slings and arrows of outrageous bladder pains 
Later when a washroom is far away . . . 


Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have great body odor.


If music be hockey, play on -- except if you're the Toronto Maple Leafs.  In that case, methinks you should play golf.
 

This above all; to thine own self be clean.  Have a shower once a day.


Give thy thoughts no tongue; however if you meet a nice
 person then . . . 


Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I am a cannibal looking for a light snack.


The course of true love never did run smooth, and there's so many diseases you can get, too.

 

 

If music be the food of love, play on.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/william_shakespeare.html#DYP5ka6xSpcL0ji3.99

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/william_shakespeare.html#DYP5ka6xSpcL0ji3.99

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/william_shakespeare.html#DYP5ka6xSpcL0ji3.99

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/william_shakespeare.html#DYP5ka6xSpcL0ji3.99

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/william_shakespeare.html#DYP5ka6xSpcL0ji3.

JUDGEMENT DAY?

A Christian group claims that the world will end Saturday May 21, 2011.  On this date, Jesus will  come back to take all the goodies up to Heaven, and leave the baddies to burn in Hell forever and ever, Amen.  Of course this happens with the approval of a God that loves "unconditionally."

What will be the excuse, or excuses, this group will come up with on Sunday May 22, 2011?  Our calculations were off?  God changed His mind?  Jesus wasn't feeling well?   Jesus' chariot broke down?   The Rapture ruptured?  We forgot that Heaven is closed on weekends?  The dog ate my Bible?  The Devil made us say it?               The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup?   What will their excuse be for the world not ending? 


(I have an asbestos suit ready just in case.)