ST. PATRICK'S DAY NEWS

Why did St. Patrick chase the snakes out of Ireland?  They were about to expose him as a snake molester.  Several snakes have come forward claiming that St. Patrick sexually assaulted them.  He forced them to leave Ireland when they threatened to report what he had done.  

Harry Barry O'Halloran, St. Patrick's lawyer, said that the allegations were "one hundred percent absolutely entirely completely no-doubt-about-it false."  Police are investigating and no charges have been laid.  O'Halloran said that these allegations should not stop people from celebrating and enjoying St. Patrick's Day.

WHAT IF NEWS

What if Rob Ford and John Tory are secret lovers?  What if, during sex, John Tory beats Rob Ford while Jian Ghomeshi 
watches?  


What if Ebola is not a virus, but something used to eat Esoupa?


What if poor toilet training is the real reason people turn into terrorists?


What if computer hackers used hatchets?


What if the World Series had a baseball team from every country on Earth?  Would the playoffs take Eternity?


What if smart bombs made people smarter instead of killing them?  Would leaders of countries ask other leaders,
"Would you bomb us, please?"


What if climate change was hot and cold coins you carried in your pocket?  Would the homeless would say, "Can you spare some climate change?  I wanna buy some pure water."?


What if once news was not new, it was called olds?


What if this is The End?

What if something, like this sentence, comes after The End?

DO NOT THINK ON THESE THINGS

If truth is beauty and beauty is truth,  then why aren't all politicians ugly?

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then what will garlic do?

If all is fair in love and war, then why are there courts for divorce.

If haste makes waste, then will people stop polluting by slowing down?

If knowledge is power, then why do smart people still have electrical bills?

If no news is good news, then

If revenge is sweet, then is candy tit for tat?

If time is money, then why are old calendars worthless?

If the Kingdom of Heaven is within, then why do we spend time looking upwards?