Cures

Headache - Cut your head off.  You'll never get a headache again.


Motion Sickness - To prevent motion sickness, don't move. 


Hangover - To cure a hangover, cut the noose.


Claustrophobia - Keep your eyes closed long enough, and you will forget that you are in a confined space.


Anorexia - Stop not eating.


Love - To cure love, get married.


Cold - To cure a cold, find a hot.  The cold will leave.


Influenza - To cure the flu, fly.  You cannot flu when you are flying.


Schizophrenia - If you're schizophrenic, then ask the voices in your head for a cure.  They know best.


Dutch Elm Disease (DED) - To cure DED, uproot, branch out, and stop acting like a tree.


Runny Nose - To cure a runny nose, catch it and tie it up until it agrees to stop running.


For cancer, and other serious diseases, death always works. But the best way to cure diseases is not to get them in the first place.  Stay healthy by keeping away from doctors. 

A SELECTION FROM A BOOK OF QUESTIONS . . .

Is it true that doctors fear apples?


Has anyone, with good intentions, ever closed the road to Hell?


Can't beggars be anything they want?


Will boys be boys?


How come we can walk on blood and not water?


Can we be fair in love and war?


Is talk costly?


How come worms that get up early always get caught? 


Is just before dawn the worst time for a power failure?


How do you know that a doornail is dead?


How come people full of piss and vinegar don't feel sick?


How long do I have to wait before I get good things?

PERFECT HEALTH AND IMMORTALITY

Imagine if suddenly we never got sick and lived forever.  How wonderful that would be--at least for us.  Think about the consequences perfect health and immortality would bring.

We have perfect health and never get sick.  No need for doctors, nurses, hospitals, drug companies, pharmacists, chiropractors and other health practitioners.  

We live forever.  No need for funeral directors, body removal services, grave diggers, cemeteries, and other people who make their money from death.

What would all these unemployed people do?  They would become experts on being jobless, but could they make money at it? 

What about the population?  No one dies and more babies are born.  If there wasn't birth control, then Earth would become like Toronto's public transit system where people stand on other people's shoulders because all the seats are taken.

As much as doctors, nurses, funeral directors, et al., may show concern, unconsciously they want all of us to get sick and die.  

WAYS TO IMPROVE . . .

Improve your computer skills . . .  Get a brain transplant making sure the brain comes from a geek.

Improve your memory . . . Start hanging out with elephants.  Studies prove that people who hang out with elephants never forget.

Improve your writing . . . Plagiarize.

Improve your self-confidence . . . Carry a big stick.

Improve your health . . . Stay away from doctors.

Improve the opinion others have of your abilities . . . Lie.

But wait . . . There's more!  (But not today.  Perhaps another time.)

JOB LAYOFFS

Here are some people we would love to see laid-off:

• Doctors because people are too healthy;
• Funeral Directors for obvious reasons;
• Police because not enough crime; and 
• Tow truck drivers because no accidents and car breakdowns.

We now join God in His boss' office . . . 

"I'm sorry, God," says God's boss, "but not enough people believe in you for us to continue to keep you on as Ruler of the Universe.  We have a generous severance package which includes medical and dental benefits, and career counselling with assistance finding another job.  It is such a generous package that we know your lawyer won't want any changes when he or she looks it over."
"I have one request," says God.
"Yes?" asks His boss.
"Can you ask Satan to lend me a lawyer.  There aren't any in Heaven."
"Will do."
"Thanks.  What will happen to the Universe?" asks God.
"We will close it down."
"But what about the people of Earth?" asks God.
"Don't worry," says God's boss, "they'll be too busy watching television, playing computer games, or reading blogs to notice."

UNNATURAL ACTS WITH NOODLES (PLUS OTHER TOPICS NOT RELATED TO NOODLES)

WAITING FOR MY VOICES

I am waiting for the voices in my head to tell me something to write.  They are resting from being stressed out.  They get stressed whenever I bang my head.  They think it's an earthquake.  Good thing for me I have a hard head because I bang it frequently.  

Doctors want to give me drugs to stop the voices, but I would miss my voices if they left me.  They are with me all the time except when I go to the bathroom.  That's when they temporarily leave me because they have a keen sense of smell.

My voices have been with me since I was in my mother's womb.  (Why did I use mother's womb?  Could I have just used womb?  Whose womb would I have been in?  My father's?)  I remember that it was dark and wet, and wet and dark.  My voices first words to me were, "Kick!  Kick!  Give your parents a thrill and kick!"

My voices were right because I would hear my mother shouting to my father, "Quick!  Come here quick!  He's kicking!"  Then my father would come and put his hand on my mother's belly and say, "Yeah!  Wow!  I can feel him kicking!"  It did not take much to amuse my parents. 

(Photo from National Geographic's In The Womb)

I remember the day I was born.  It just happened to work out as the same day as my  birthday.  I was sleeping when the voices shouted, 

"Wake up!  Wake up!  It's time to go."

"Go where?" I asked.

"Out into the world."

"The world?"

"You'll understand once you're out."

"How do I get out?"

"Over there."

"There?  I'll never fit through there."

"Yes you will."

Suddenly I was moving.  I could not control it.  Sometimes I moved fast.  Sometimes I moved slow.  The voices were right.  I did fit through the hole . . .

"We're back!"

"Oh!  You startled me."

"Startled?  That's part of what we feel when you bang your head."

HOW COME . . .

How come doctors and heroes take the credit when a life is saved, but say it was "God's Will" when there is death?

How come we would never steal a movie from a DVD store, but think nothing about downloading movies from the Internet?

How come we take makeup seriously?  We know it isn't real. 

How come we are shocked when a politician is caught lying?

How come we are shocked when a politician is caught in a sex scandal?

How come we always say, "Fine" when someone asks us how we are no matter how we really are or what is going on in our lives?

How come taxes aren't considered extortion?

How come the term "terrible tragedy" is used?  Are there tragedies that aren't terrible?

How come it's okay to wear a bathing suit on the beach, but not okay to wear your underwear on the beach?

How come it's so easy to get into trouble, yet not so easy to get out of trouble?

How come you are okay when you to talk to God, but not okay when God talks back?

How come I did not end this sooner?

DO NOT THINK ON THESE THINGS

If truth is beauty and beauty is truth,  then why aren't all politicians ugly?

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then what will garlic do?

If all is fair in love and war, then why are there courts for divorce.

If haste makes waste, then will people stop polluting by slowing down?

If knowledge is power, then why do smart people still have electrical bills?

If no news is good news, then

If revenge is sweet, then is candy tit for tat?

If time is money, then why are old calendars worthless?

If the Kingdom of Heaven is within, then why do we spend time looking upwards?

THE SECRET OF LONG LIFE AND GOOD HEALTH

An old man, well into his nineties and in great health, was asked the secret of his vitality and long life.

"I stay away from doctors," he replied.