ON CRIME

A criminal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

"I've just escaped," says the criminal.  "Have you got anything that will reduce my sentence when they catch me?"

"I sure do," says the bartender.

The bartender serves him a martini garnished with arsenic.

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Q:  Why did the criminal cross the road?

A:  To steal a chicken.

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"Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?"

"A robber."

"A robber who?"

"Never mind and gimme your money!"

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Oh the poor robber!  He froze to death trying to rob a snowbank.

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BREAKING NEWS:  Toronto Police arrested and charged a writer with theft.  Police said that Sam Scribbler was at the public library stealing ideas.  Scribbler will appear in court on June 31.

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PETER PAN'S SHADOW JAILED FOR DESERTION!

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The judge says to the criminal, "Have you got anything to say before I sentence you?"

"Yes," says the criminal.

"What would you like to say?"

"I love action.  If you're gonna sentence me, then could you make me a predicate?"

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LOSE ENDS AND WHATNOT

Is this the box everyone is talking about?

What is inside the box that makes people say, "Think outside the box."

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The doctor says that I am safe for use in septic systems.   Now what?

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I saw my shadow on February 2, 2012.  That means we are going to get six more weeks of weather, and that the light was on.

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Today is February Sixth.   Last year this time it was February Sixth.  Is this a coincidence, or a conspiracy?

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Does the meaning of life have some thing to with vanilla beans?

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I am  looking forward to that future day when I will be happy living in the present.

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I want to move towards a better tomorrow, but I can't figure out how to stop tomorrow from becoming today.

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Am I a human being having a spiritual experience; a spiritual being having a human experience, or a big brown bald rock?

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I dream of becoming a famous parking space one day.

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How can nothing be the matter when matter is not nothing?
How can some thing be the matter when all things are matter?
Do answers to these questions matter?

THE VOICES RETURN

"We're back!"
What took you so long?
"We lost the key of imagination, and got stuck in the shadow and substance of things and ideas in The Twilight Zone.  Traffic was reduced to one lane."
I'm glad you made it back safely.
"It's nice to be back in this vast, open space."
Can you guys take days off in shifts so that all of you don't leave me at once?
"Why?"
That way at least one of you will be there to tell me what to do.  I felt crazy talking to myself when all of  you were gone.
"Okay.  Will do."