Not All About Today

"Why did Today cross the road?"
"Why?"
"Because it was time."


"How many todays does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Just one."
"That's it?  Just one?  Where is the punchline?"
"Today threw it out with the burnt-out light bulb."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Today."

"Today who?"

"Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."

"What nationality is Today?"

"Canadian?"

"No, Nowian.  It's from Now."

"Why is it always Today?"

"Why?"

"The leader of Now has lots of influence."

"Where would we be if it wasn't for Today?"

"I dunno."

"Stuck somewhere in time."

"It's a good thing Today can swim."

"Why?"

"It will never drown in To-Do-List Ocean."

"How is Today programmed?"

"How?"

"Today is programmed to be present which makes it a gift."

"What is Today's favorite hobby?"

"What?"

"Today's favorite hobby is making time."

Today walked into a bar and the bartender said, "It' about time you got here.  I've been waiting for you since sunrise."

And Today said, "Sorry I'm late.  I got stuck in a blog."

IT'S IN THE STARS: HOROSCOPES YOU WILL NOT READ ANYWHERE ELSE

Aries (Mar 21 - April 19)

Communication will be most successful if you talk using words.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will feel better today if you keep breathing. 

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) 

You could be challenged by an asteroid crashing into your home.  Don't allow this to ruin your day.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

A loved one may be successful at killing you today.  Don't make any long-term plans.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Take a bath this morning, but make sure you put it back.  It is too heavy to carry around with you all day.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) 

Today is not a good day to talk to walls.  Save your wall-talking for another day.

 

Libra (September 23 - October 22) 

A brain injury may undermine your thinking.  Don't give up. 

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A misunderstanding with a fire-breathing dragon could get you 

scorched today.  Wear your best asbestos suit.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Get out of the way if you see a truck driving at you.  If you don't, then it may be six months before you are able to read your horoscope again.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Turn off your mind today and watch other peoples' puzzled expressions as they try to talk to you.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) 

You might be in the mood to run around naked on a busy street.  Hold back.  Save it for a warmer day.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Take advantage of your ability to see through glass today.

LOSE ENDS AND WHATNOT

Is this the box everyone is talking about?

What is inside the box that makes people say, "Think outside the box."

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The doctor says that I am safe for use in septic systems.   Now what?

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I saw my shadow on February 2, 2012.  That means we are going to get six more weeks of weather, and that the light was on.

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Today is February Sixth.   Last year this time it was February Sixth.  Is this a coincidence, or a conspiracy?

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Does the meaning of life have some thing to with vanilla beans?

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I am  looking forward to that future day when I will be happy living in the present.

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I want to move towards a better tomorrow, but I can't figure out how to stop tomorrow from becoming today.

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Am I a human being having a spiritual experience; a spiritual being having a human experience, or a big brown bald rock?

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I dream of becoming a famous parking space one day.

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How can nothing be the matter when matter is not nothing?
How can some thing be the matter when all things are matter?
Do answers to these questions matter?