Six Reasons Why It Stopped Raining in Toronto

Something must be wrong.  It's not raining in Toronto. The skies are overcast, but no rain. According to our weatherologists, it was supposed to rain until Monday or Tuesday.  Here are six possible reasons why it stopped:

- God is getting old and forgetful.  He started to flood the world a second time, but got distracted.

- The Union of Weather Workers went on strike, and Management is doing its best to keep the weather coming.

- Mother Nature ran out of rain, and the Weather Workers' strike is delaying the delivery of more.

- The clouds are waiting for us to wash our cars.

- A plumber finally fixed the leaking pipes in Heaven.



"Wait a minute.  Your title says six reasons and you only gave five."

Really?  So I did.  Sorry, but some of the rain must have gotten into my brain.

ON BAD WEATHER

Snow went into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be, drifter?"
And the snow said, "How did you know that I was a drifter?"
And the bartender replied, "It was the way you blew in."

Do snowstorms ever catch colds?

"How many light bulbs does it take to change the weather?"

"How many?"

"None.  The weather changes itself."

TV GAME SHOWS NO ONE WATCHES

Here are some TV game shows no one watches:

Who Wants To Be Poor?

Every week contestants compete to lose everything they own.

Cannibal's Cook Pot

This week cannibal chef, Garth Gruesome, shows how to cook clowns so they will not taste funny.

Diapery

Babies compete to see who has the poopiest diaper.

Fantasy Fun

Fantasies compete with Reality to see which one will win a schizophrenic.

The Weather Game

Clouds, wind, skies and rain compete to predict the behavior of weather reporters.

Getting To Work

By answering unskilled questions, holidays and vacations compete to see which one will end its boring leisure existence to be a job.

IT'S NOT FUNNY 

Unsuccessful comedians try to make the audience laugh the least. 

Now you know why no one watches. 

IF I WASN'T A FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN . . .

If I wasn't a funny bone technician, then I'd be . . . 


A Critic - What fun to be paid to be afraid to do anything except find fault, find fault, find fault.


A Door - I get to open and close, and open and close while people handled my knob.


A Pleasant Memory - Wow!  Being paid to have everyone remember you.


The Weather - I would get a salary to be as fickle, inconstant, changeable, mercurial, variable, and unpredictable as I wanted to.


 A Pain In The Ass - Perhaps I am already one, but it would be nice to be paid for it.


The End - Being paid to be The End would mean that I would not have to do anything because my work is always done.


 

IF I RULED THE WORLD

If I ruled the world, then . . . 

- Everyone over 3,429 years old would get free membership to The Fossil Club;

- Brains would be available, free of charge, to those who don't have one;

- People would have to leave baths as well as take them;

- Timid kumquats would have courage;

- Fine China would be unbreakable;

- Peoples' shadows would have to carry the same identification as their owners in case the shadows get lost;

- The weather would be predictable;  and finally,

If I ruled the world, then God would have to explain, in simple English, why we are here and the meaning of it all.

WHATEVER KILLS ME WILL MAKE ME STRONGER

Whatever kills me will make me stronger.  Ghosts are invincible.

Death will slow down my reaction time which means I will take longer to get upset.  The longer I take to get upset, the longer it takes to upset me.  The longer it takes to upset me, the less chance I have of bothering to get upset.

Death will stop me from worrying about getting pregnant, and catching any diseases.  No worries about having to practice safe life. 

Death will end my relationship with my two-headed octopus.  I was looking for an excuse to end it ever since our relationship went fishy.  

I will make more money by dying since the minimum wage is higher in the afterlife.

Death means paying no mortgage or rent.  Never in the history of hauntings has a ghost paid a mortgage or rent.

After death I can ride public transit free.

Death offers a better weather than life because the dead don't care what the weather does.

And finally, death means a free subscription to My Life in Review—a magazine all about me.

YOU READ IT HERE FIRST . . .

The CIA was responsible for the flood that destroyed the world.  They made it appear as if God did it, but it was all CIA.  Noah was saved because he was a paid CIA informant.

The CIA had a machine that controlled the weather.  I am not at liberty to say how I obtained the following conversation:


"It's the weather machine, sir," said the CIA agent.

"What about it?" asked the CIA boss. 

"It's out of control and we don't know why, or how to stop it."

"So?  There will be weather that we can't control until we fix it.  What's the big deal?"

"The big deal, sir, is that soon it will make it rain for forty days and forty nights causing a flood."

"Hmmm . . .   Is Noah still on our payroll?"

"Yes sir." 
     
"Good.  Get him to finish that damn ark he's been farting around with.  Tell him to collect all the animals' DNA and take it the ark.  Tell him we will have a cover story about God destroying the world, etc., etc."

"A cover story about God destroying the world, sir?  Who is going to believe that an all-loving God would kill his children?"

"Don't worry.  If we plant the story in a holy book called The Bible, then a lot of people will believe it."

"Okay, sir, if you say so."

"I take it that we're safe in this building no matter what the weather machine does?"

"Yes sir."  

"Good.  Now go tell Noah to get busy."

"Yes, sir." 


Remember, you read it here first.

LOSE ENDS AND WHATNOT

Is this the box everyone is talking about?

What is inside the box that makes people say, "Think outside the box."

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The doctor says that I am safe for use in septic systems.   Now what?

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I saw my shadow on February 2, 2012.  That means we are going to get six more weeks of weather, and that the light was on.

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Today is February Sixth.   Last year this time it was February Sixth.  Is this a coincidence, or a conspiracy?

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Does the meaning of life have some thing to with vanilla beans?

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I am  looking forward to that future day when I will be happy living in the present.

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I want to move towards a better tomorrow, but I can't figure out how to stop tomorrow from becoming today.

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Am I a human being having a spiritual experience; a spiritual being having a human experience, or a big brown bald rock?

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I dream of becoming a famous parking space one day.

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How can nothing be the matter when matter is not nothing?
How can some thing be the matter when all things are matter?
Do answers to these questions matter?