WHY DO I WRITE?

Writers have various reasons for writing.  I am not a writer.  (Actually, I lean a little to the left.)  Here are some of the reasons I write.

I write because I am not a tomato.  Tomatoes can't write.  (Often I write in front of tomatoes to make them envy me.)

I write because it is a way of getting in touch with what is not inside me.

I write because I am dizzy.

I write because I change my mind.

I write because I am not dizzy.

I write because my kumquat business failed on Mars, and I have no skills.  

I write because I am good at lying, and reclining as well.  (I love looking at ceilings.)

I write to confuse my thoughts.

I write because I love mixing ink molecules with paper molecules.

I write because the sky is blue.  (I have never understood this reason.)

I write because I like collecting junk.

I write to relax.  (Once relaxed I lie down and look at the ceiling.)

I write to stay insane, but sometimes I stop writi--

IF I RULED THE WORLD

If I ruled the world, then . . . 

- Everyone over 3,429 years old would get free membership to The Fossil Club;

- Brains would be available, free of charge, to those who don't have one;

- People would have to leave baths as well as take them;

- Timid kumquats would have courage;

- Fine China would be unbreakable;

- Peoples' shadows would have to carry the same identification as their owners in case the shadows get lost;

- The weather would be predictable;  and finally,

If I ruled the world, then God would have to explain, in simple English, why we are here and the meaning of it all.

NOVEL BEGINNINGS

It was not a dark and stormy night.  Actually, it was not night at all, and it was not stormy.  It was the beginning of a blog about novel beginnings . . . 

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He never liked the term sophomore.  In his second year of college, he wanted to be known as a hardomore.  He did this by . . . 

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Call me Ishmael, but I will not answer because that is not my name. My name is Kumquat, and I know nothing about whales.  I do know how to take a . . . 

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It was the best of times.  It was the times of wurst.  Sausages were more popular than ever . . . 

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Gary Johnston sat down at his computer, as was his custom.  He started writing a blog, as was his custom.  Suddenly, it all ended.