It's A Conspiracy!

It's a conspiracy!  JFK caused 911.  His accomplice was O.J. Simpson.  They disguised themselves as Saudi Arabians and flew planes into the World Trade Center. They killed Lee Harvey Oswald before he could warn us. They also killed Michael Jackson to stop the moon from walking.

It's a conspiracy!  A U.S. plane got caught in a storm, lost its course, and crashed on Mars.  The Martian government denied that the crash happened.  They also deny that U.S. planes exist. They took the bodies of the plane's pilot and passengers and the plane to Area 52, a secret underground base on Mars.  Martian scientists reverse-engineered the U.S. plane and set their technology back 347 years.

It's a conspiracy!  The Bermuda Triangle is really a circle. The Geometrical Commission caught the Bermuda Triangle using the circle's washroom. The Bermuda Triangle used its connections to the angles, who control the degrees of everything, to keep this scandal out of the news.

It's a conspiracy! A funny bone technician, who is nonexistent, writes these blogs because he doesn't want the world to laugh.

QUOTES FROM THINGS THAT CAN'T TALK

"I'm short."

         - Life

"I like it when they blow me."

                                                                - A Forest Fire 

  

"Gawd those people stink!"

                                                                 - A Pile of Garbage

"I'm bored!  Is there more to life than going around the sun?"

                                                                     - Mars

"Hair today and hair tomorrow."

                                                                      - A Comb

"I have myself and still I'm not happy."

                                                                        - Money

"There's got to be more to forever than going on and on and on and on.

                                                                        - Eternity

"Am I all that bad?"

                                                                 - Crime       

"That red planet looks bored."

                                                                 - Earth  

"Will I ever get a job?"

                                                                   - Work

"I wish I had a mind to change."

                                                                   - Whim

"Going.  Going."

                                                             - Gone         

ALL ABOUT KANGAROOS

"Why did the kangaroo cross the road?"
"Why?"
"It was on its way to its court."



"How many kangaroos does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know.  How many?
"I don't know either.  That's why I asked."

"What is a kangaroo's biggest fault?"
"What?"
"Jumping to conclusions."




"What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a blog?"
"I don't know."
"A blog that jumps all over the place."


 

"What did the Moon say to Mars?"
"I don't know.  What?"
"Do you come here often?  What is your sign?  Can I buy you a black hole?"




Is it true that Indigo gets the blues?




Climate change isn't true because it isn't mentioned in The Bible.

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Have kennels gone to the dogs?

Are zombies thoughtless when they walk their dogs in cemeteries?

Do dogs have safety deposit boxes with bones in them?

Where does a dog carry its wallet?

Was Lee Harvey Osdog the lone assassin? 

ONCE UPON A TIME . . .

Once upon a time there was a listless man who was too lazy to finish this story.



Once upon a time there was a gold prospector who found a lot of gold while working.  He tried to carry the gold back to his home, but it was too heavy. He picked it up and had a heart attack and died.

What a relief!  This story was going nowhere.



Once upon a time there was a jealous bridesmaid.  She was jealous of the bride because the bridesmaid was in love with the broom.

"Don't you mean groom?"
No, it's my story and I say it's broom. 

The broom loved the bridesmaid more than he loved the bride.  He and the bridesmaid had swept together while he was sweeping with the bride.

The jealous bridesmaid killed the bride, and the bridesmaid and broom lived happily ever after.

The bride went to the afterlife where she met and fell in love with a gold prospector.  We don't know whether they lived happily ever after because Eternity hasn't ended yet.



Once upon a time there was a beekeeper who kept thousands and thousands of bees.

One day his neighbor asked, "Why do you keep so many bees?  Why don't you keep C's and D's?"

The beekeeper said, "I'm going to join the first manned mission to Mars."

"Uh?  What do you mean?"

"I decided to make this story absurd," said the beekeeper.  "Thanks for helping me do so."

"But all I did was ask you who started World War III?"

"Exactly!" said the beekeeper.



Once upon a time there was a rich man who lost all of his money because his telephone-washing business went bankrupt.  He became depressed and lazy.

One day a flash of inspiration hit him.

He said, "I think I will invade a blog and become its first story."

WHY DO I WRITE?

Writers have various reasons for writing.  I am not a writer.  (Actually, I lean a little to the left.)  Here are some of the reasons I write.

I write because I am not a tomato.  Tomatoes can't write.  (Often I write in front of tomatoes to make them envy me.)

I write because it is a way of getting in touch with what is not inside me.

I write because I am dizzy.

I write because I change my mind.

I write because I am not dizzy.

I write because my kumquat business failed on Mars, and I have no skills.  

I write because I am good at lying, and reclining as well.  (I love looking at ceilings.)

I write to confuse my thoughts.

I write because I love mixing ink molecules with paper molecules.

I write because the sky is blue.  (I have never understood this reason.)

I write because I like collecting junk.

I write to relax.  (Once relaxed I lie down and look at the ceiling.)

I write to stay insane, but sometimes I stop writi--

MISSION TO MARS

If I was chosen to go on a solo mission to Mars, here is what I would bring:

- My watchdog even though I don't know whether it is a Tissot or a Timex.

- A sexually transmitted disease in case I get lonely.

-  A loud noise in case I have nothing to complain about.

- A calendar from 1892 to confuse me for fun.

- A freeunuck.  (I have no idea what a freeunuck is, but I could pass the time trying to guess.)

- Some dust and bad smells in case I get homesick.

- Some wrinkles for my clothing.

And finally I would bring two tin cans with a long, long, long string so I could talk to my friends on Earth.

A BREAK FROM REALITY

I have a house in The Twilight Zone.  Sometimes I live in it, and sometimes I rent it to the voices in my head when they want to take a break from me.

My house is detached.  It has four bedrooms, a large living room, a large dining room, a large kitchen, and a large large.  I still haven't figured out what a large is.  But my house is like this sometimes.  Other times the same house is a semi-detached two-bedroom nothing-much.  It all depends upon the house's mood.

My house is on a quiet cul-de-sac with two other houses.  In one house live aliens who hardly spend time at home.  They work in a Walmart on Mars.  In the other house lives The Invisible Man and his family.  I never see them.

It's nice to live in The Twilight Zone.  It gives me a break from reality.  

SOME STORY IDEAS

A Martian named Mertz comes to Earth to study the planet and its inhabitants.  Mertz abandons his research when he falls in love with a street lamp.  Mertz and the street lamp elope.  Soon a search party from Mars arrives to look for Mertz, but Mertz  does not want to be found.  He is living happily ever after with the street lamp.  The search party has many adventures in the search for Mertz as does Mertz and the street lamp in trying not to be found.

***

A Biblical story - God is charged with adultery for impregnating Mary while she is still married to Joseph.  Joseph divorces Mary and moves to India to become a Buddhist.  Mary, now alone with God's child, takes God to court to get child support.  

***

A shoe discovers its sole is broken.  The shoe has many adventures trying to find a metaphysician to mend its sole.  One of the shoe's adventures involves sharing a taxi with a Martian and a street lamp.

***

A gary writes a blog about ideas for stories, but he has no idea how to end this blog.  His blog just goes on and on and on and on.  Soon word spreads about the gary's never-ending blog.  People from around the world start paying to see the gary writing his never-ending blog.  The gary becomes rich, and builds a rocket.  He travels to Mars to study the planet and its inhabitants . . .

7 1/2 REASONS I WILL NOT LIVE ON MARS

All this talk about sending humans to live on Mars got me thinking why I would not go.  Here are my reasons: 

1 - I never liked being around Martians ever since my friend, Hebert George Wells, introduced me to them. Whenever I am around them, Martians always sneeze and accidentally set my clothes on fire.  I suspect that Martians are allergic to my vast intelligence and sharp wit.

2 - There are no nuts on Mars.  Let me qualify that.  There are no nuts that you eat on Mars.  I love edible nuts, but shipping them from Earth makes them too expensive.  Attempts to grow nuts on Mars always result in growing metal blocks with holes through them.

3 - Red is not my favorite color.

4 - A Martian year is 686 days long.  I do not want to wait almost two years to celebrate my birthday.

5 - I would be forced to join Inhabitants of Planets Smaller Than Earth.  Besides having to worry about Martians accidentally setting my clothes on fire, I would have to socialize with craters and rocks.  Craters and rocks are not great conversationalists.  Their idea of an exciting evening is to sit quietly and stare off into space.

6 - You have no privacy with NASA's robotic rover roaming all over the place snapping pictures.

7 - Having to listen to the Face on Mars boast about how wonderful it looks without makeup.

7 1/2 -  Oju ama jeck foddleopah constoo apa sar.*

*Martian for "I have not got a clue what this reason is." 

"Hey! Get off us! We're alive with feelings! Rocks are people too, you know! Who gave you permission to come here and take pictures?"