MISSION TO MARS

If I was chosen to go on a solo mission to Mars, here is what I would bring:

- My watchdog even though I don't know whether it is a Tissot or a Timex.

- A sexually transmitted disease in case I get lonely.

-  A loud noise in case I have nothing to complain about.

- A calendar from 1892 to confuse me for fun.

- A freeunuck.  (I have no idea what a freeunuck is, but I could pass the time trying to guess.)

- Some dust and bad smells in case I get homesick.

- Some wrinkles for my clothing.

And finally I would bring two tin cans with a long, long, long string so I could talk to my friends on Earth.

DATING TIPS

Never date people who shave their teeth.

Never date anyone named Satan or Satania. 

Never date invisible people.  They will disappear on you.

Never date dead people.  They are stiff and smell.

Date superheroes if you don't mind having your date interrupted, or cancelled, because they have to leave to save the world. 

Date people at work only if it will advance your career.

Sex on a first date?  It is up to you, but only if your date produces a doctor's certificate stating that your date is sexually-transmitted-disease free. (STD Free)