SOME STORY IDEAS

A Martian named Mertz comes to Earth to study the planet and its inhabitants.  Mertz abandons his research when he falls in love with a street lamp.  Mertz and the street lamp elope.  Soon a search party from Mars arrives to look for Mertz, but Mertz  does not want to be found.  He is living happily ever after with the street lamp.  The search party has many adventures in the search for Mertz as does Mertz and the street lamp in trying not to be found.

***

A Biblical story - God is charged with adultery for impregnating Mary while she is still married to Joseph.  Joseph divorces Mary and moves to India to become a Buddhist.  Mary, now alone with God's child, takes God to court to get child support.  

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A shoe discovers its sole is broken.  The shoe has many adventures trying to find a metaphysician to mend its sole.  One of the shoe's adventures involves sharing a taxi with a Martian and a street lamp.

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A gary writes a blog about ideas for stories, but he has no idea how to end this blog.  His blog just goes on and on and on and on.  Soon word spreads about the gary's never-ending blog.  People from around the world start paying to see the gary writing his never-ending blog.  The gary becomes rich, and builds a rocket.  He travels to Mars to study the planet and its inhabitants . . .

EVERYWHERE (AND SOME CRAP)

Question:  Why did Everywhere cross the street?

Answer:  Because it was the other side.

 

Listen.

Our ancestors speak to us

Through wind chimes and stones.

"What's that doing here?" says my blog.

"It just came to me so I wrote it down," says I.

"I would prefer you to stick to stuff that is supposed to be funny, and forget the philosophical-poetry crap."

"Okay."

Everywhere walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

Everywhere says, "I'll have everything, please."

The bartender takes awhile, but he fixes everything and brings it to Everywhere.  He says to Everywhere, "Haven't I seen you around?"

Everywhere says, "I should hope so!"

Everywhere finishes its everything and leaves the bar to go where it is.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Everywhere."

"Everywhere who?"

"Never mind.  If you have to ask, then you're not paying attention."

Question:  How many everywhere's does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:  One.  There is only one everywhere.

The wind blows the past

Through pines 

Making history endless

"That's it!" says my blog.

"I'm sorry, but it slipped out."  

"I'm not giving you another chance for any more crap to slip out.   We're done for today."

A COURT SCENE

"Would the accused please rise?" said the court clerk.

Gary Johnston stands in the prisoner docket.

The clerk continues, "You, Gary Johnston, on or about the 28th day of February, in the year 2015, did unlawfully write a blog that was not funny contrary to The Funny Bone Blog Act, Section 7, subsection 3.  How do you plead, guilty, or not guilty?"

"Guilty with an explanation," said Gary Johnston.

"What are the facts?" said the judge to the prosecutor.

"Your Honor," said the prosecutor, "Gary Johnston calls himself a funny bone technician and has a blog with that title.
"On February 28, 2015, Gary Johnston wrote a blog about some silly court scene.  The blog was not funny.  No one laughed while reading it.  The blog police, while on patrol, happened to see Gary Johnston's blog.  They arrested him for contravening The Funny Bone Blog Act.  
"These are the facts in this case, Your Honor."

"Are these facts substantially correct, Mr. Johnston?" asked the judge?

"Yes, Your Honor," replied Gary Johnston.

"Then I accept your guilty plea," said the judge.  "You said you have an explanation?"

"Yes, Your Honor."

"Go ahead."

"Well, Your Honor, I thought my blog was funny.  It made me laugh -- not out loud, but I chuckled and smiled a bit.  I had no idea that it was not funny.  I was surprised when the police arrested me."

"Is that it?" asked the judge.

"Yes, Your Honor," replied Gary Johnston.

"Before I pass sentence," said the judge, "what exactly is a funny bone technician?"

"Well, Your Honor," said Gary Johnston, "it's my term for what I do.  I do not like the world's terms such as comic writer or comedian; so I gave myself the term funny bone technician.  I like to define myself with my terms rather than the world's terms."

"I see," said the judge.  And then he looked at the prosecutor and said, "Any record?"

"No, Your Honor," said the prosecutor, "this appears to be the first time Gary Johnston has been convicted of not being funny."

"Since you have no previous record," said the judge, "I will not impose a fine or jail time.  You will not be so lucky if I ever see you in my court again.  You are free to go."

"Thank you, Your Honor," said Gary Johnston.  "Thank you."

ALL ABOUT EBOLA

An Ebola virus goes to its doctor and the doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
The Ebola virus says, "I think I caught a human being."
"What makes you think that?" asks the doctor.
"Well," says the Ebola virus, "I've started thinking that my fellow viruses are causing all my problems and I want to kill them."
"Yep," says the doctor, "you've definitely caught a human being."  He starts writing a prescription.  "I'm going to prescribe a bottle of rational thinking.  It will get rid of your human being, and prevent you from being infected by others."

Q: Why did the Ebola virus cross the road?

A:  To infect a chicken.

An Ebola virus walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The Ebola virus says, "I'll have a fever and sore throat on the rocks, thanks."

As the bartender fixes the drink he says, "You must be new around here.  I haven't seen you before."

"I've been around," says the Ebola virus, "I just never came in here.  It's lonely being famous.  I'm hoping to meet some other viruses to share the spotlight."

"You've come to the right place," says the bartender.  "You can pickup all kinds of viruses here.  This place is better than a hospital.  Our patrons include AIDS, Mad Cow, Gonorrhea, Malaria, and the flu to name a few."
"Well, where are they?" asks the Ebola virus.  "The place seems deserted."
"Don't worry," says the bartender, "they'll be here soon.  They always come at Unhappy Hour."

"Are you here for the same problem?" asks the doctor.

"No," says the Ebola virus, "I finished the bottle of rational thinking, and it cured me."

"So what's the problem?" asks the doctor.

"I'm depressed," says the Ebola virus.

"Why?" asks the doctor.

"The human being that had infected me," says the Ebola virus, "is on the Internet writing blogs."

"Don't worry," says the doctor, "no one will read them."

DREAM JOBS?

WHY?

Why is the Monday after Easter Sunday a holiday?   Did Jesus need a day to recover after rising from the dead?

Why is water wet?   Would we save time if water was dry?

Why does bus rhyme with Gus?  Why doesn't bus rhyme with orange?

Why is hot not hot when it's cold?  Why is cold not cold when it's hot? 

Why don't bad smells bother dogs?

Why don't dreams get released on DVD's?

Why aren't more lies true?

Why is why why?  Why isn't why x or z?

Why is it so hard to blog with limited Internet access?



SOME STUPID THINGS PEOPLE DO . . .

People love kicks that kill them.  The mountains of evidence of the harmful effects of smoking, drinking, and drugs do not deter people from indulging.  "Harmful effects happen to other people, but will never happen to me."  is the attitude.  I suppose this is true.  Hospitals and rehab centers are full of  other people.

Baseball caps and running shoes in winter?  These items are fine in spring, summer and fall.   But in winter with knee-deep, blowing  snow and subzero temperatures, many people are still wearing baseball caps and running shoes!   "It's the style," they say.  Common sense takes a back seat when it comes to being in style.

Nonconformists will join groups to be with other nonconformists.

People will preach that racism and hatred are wrong, but hate racists.

People love going out to restaurants to order homemade food.  How can homemade food be made in any place except the home?                  

Zen calendars for sale?  Zen stresses The Eternal Now.  Doesn't a calendar go against Zen philosophy?  Do people need twenty-four pages of pictures, words, boxes and numbers to remind them that time does not exist?  Apparently so.

People will wear makeup to make themselves look natural.  They wear makeup to make themselves look as if they are not wearing any makeup?

And finally there are those people who blog about stupid things people do.  These bloggers think they are superior to other people, and that they are above and beyond doing stupid things.  How stupid is that?