ON JOKES

A joke walked into a bar, and the bartender started laughing and laughing.



"Why did the joke cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"Because a chicken was telling it."
"Oh yeah?  What was the joke about?"
"I'm not sure since I am just learning chicken, but it had something to do with prostitutes laying eggs."



"How many jokes does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know.  How many?"
"Six hundred and forty-seven."
"What?  Six hundred and forty-seven jokes to change a light bulb?" 
"Yeah, 647 jokes to change a light bulb."
"Why so many?"
"The jokes are in the union."



A joke has a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked another joke.
And the joke replied, "My punchline lost control."

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Joke."

"Joke who?"

"I would hope that you wouldn't want to joke anyone."

The bartender was still laughing.  The joke was not impressed.  Not only has the bartender peed his pants, but his ass fell off.  

"I'm not that funny!" said the joke.

But the bartender kept laughing, and died laughing right there in the bar.  The bartender was deader than Dracula getting a suntan.

The joke left, but later complained to The Bar Association (TBA) about the bartender's behavior and poor service.  TBA fined the bartender, and ordered him never to die laughing again. 

ON TERRORISTS AND SUICIDE BOMBERS

Do suicide bombers ever buy lottery tickets?


Q:  When is a terrorist not a terrorist?
A:  When he or she is on your side.


Is marriage a form of terrorism? 


Q:  How can you spot a group of optimistic suicide bombers?
A:  When you see them buying green bananas, and reading copies of Tolstoy's War and Peace.


Q:  Why did the terrorist cross the road?
A:  To bomb a chicken on the other side.


Q:  Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:  To get away from the terrorist.


Disappointment is when a suicide bomber dies and goes to Heaven, and is immediately met my 72 wrinkled old nuns.  


Q:  Why won't terrorists go to the moon?
A:  No buildings to bomb.


Terrorists would make their lives so much easier if they simply gave up their beliefs.

 

CROSSING THE ROAD

(Behind George Harrison, but out of frame, was the fifth Beatle -- a chicken.)

Q:  Why did the road cross the road?

A:  To get even with the road that once had crossed it.

Q:  Why did the surrealist painter cross the road?

A:  To Dali to the other side.


Q:  Why did Salvadore Dali cross the road?
A:  To get away from a pesty surrealist painter.    


Q:  Why did the poem cross the road?
A:  To sing nice rhymes with a toad.


Q:  Why did the toad cross the road?
A:  It got tired of hanging out with walking poems.


Q:  Why did Donald Trump cross the road?
A:  To offend people on the other side.


Q:  Why did the block cross the road?
A:  To find itself a writer.


Q:  Why did the writer cross the road?
A:  To get more experience for his novel.  (Ha!  Bet you thought it was to get away from the block.)


Q:  Why did The Beatles cross the road?
A:  To pose for an album cover.


Q:  Why did the funny bone technician cross the road?
A:  He had nothing better to do after finishing his blog.

HOPE THESE GAGS DON'T MAKE YOU GAG

A bartender walks into a bar and says, "Anybody seen my joke?  I lost it."

Q:  How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  One if the civil servant is not in a union, and 17 if he or she is.

Q:  How many tax auditors does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  One, but the light bulb has to file a tax return first.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

(Sorry, but a zombie ate the rest of this joke.)

"You look terrible!" says one zombie to another. 

"I know," says the other zombie.  "I think it was something I ate."

"Hey funny bone technician!" 

That's me.  "Yes?"

"Have you seen my joke?"

"No, I haven't.

"Well, could you write one for me?  I'm lost without a joke."

"Okay."

Q:  Why did not bartender cross the road?

A:  He was following a chicken who didn't pay its bar bill.

"That's the best you can do?"

"Sorry, but beggars can't be a stitch in time -- or something like that."  

ON CRIME

A criminal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

"I've just escaped," says the criminal.  "Have you got anything that will reduce my sentence when they catch me?"

"I sure do," says the bartender.

The bartender serves him a martini garnished with arsenic.

***

***

Q:  Why did the criminal cross the road?

A:  To steal a chicken.

***

"Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?"

"A robber."

"A robber who?"

"Never mind and gimme your money!"

***

***

Oh the poor robber!  He froze to death trying to rob a snowbank.

***

BREAKING NEWS:  Toronto Police arrested and charged a writer with theft.  Police said that Sam Scribbler was at the public library stealing ideas.  Scribbler will appear in court on June 31.

***

PETER PAN'S SHADOW JAILED FOR DESERTION!

***

The judge says to the criminal, "Have you got anything to say before I sentence you?"

"Yes," says the criminal.

"What would you like to say?"

"I love action.  If you're gonna sentence me, then could you make me a predicate?"

***

A WORD PUDDING CONTAINING A LITTLE OF THIS AND A LITTLE OF THAT

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?

"Money."

"Money who?"

"Open the door and let me in because before you know it I'll be Gone!" 

"All governments are run by liars and nothing they say should be believed."  

                                                   - I. F. Stone

Whew!  Them is strong words.   I suspect that journalist I. F. Stone had a long-term relationship with a politician, and discovered that all the while the politician was sleeping around.  (Remember, you read that here first.)

"Knock, Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Short Attention Span."

"Short Attention Span who?"

"So, why did the chicken cross the road."

 "I don't know, why did the chicken cross the road?"

"To get to the end of this blog."

*EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT DEATH, BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK

*Well, not everything

Q:  Why did Death cross the road?

A:  It was following a chicken whose time was near.

Death walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

Death says, "I'll have you."

"Me?" says the bartender.  "Me?  But I'm not a drink."

"That's okay," says Death, "I'm not thirsty."

Death cares not whether

You're young or old

When Death visits you

You'll soon be cold

And stiff 

And rotting

And smelly

And not much fun to be with 

 

The only problem with Death is that all of its decisions are final.

 

ALL ABOUT EBOLA

An Ebola virus goes to its doctor and the doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
The Ebola virus says, "I think I caught a human being."
"What makes you think that?" asks the doctor.
"Well," says the Ebola virus, "I've started thinking that my fellow viruses are causing all my problems and I want to kill them."
"Yep," says the doctor, "you've definitely caught a human being."  He starts writing a prescription.  "I'm going to prescribe a bottle of rational thinking.  It will get rid of your human being, and prevent you from being infected by others."

Q: Why did the Ebola virus cross the road?

A:  To infect a chicken.

An Ebola virus walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The Ebola virus says, "I'll have a fever and sore throat on the rocks, thanks."

As the bartender fixes the drink he says, "You must be new around here.  I haven't seen you before."

"I've been around," says the Ebola virus, "I just never came in here.  It's lonely being famous.  I'm hoping to meet some other viruses to share the spotlight."

"You've come to the right place," says the bartender.  "You can pickup all kinds of viruses here.  This place is better than a hospital.  Our patrons include AIDS, Mad Cow, Gonorrhea, Malaria, and the flu to name a few."
"Well, where are they?" asks the Ebola virus.  "The place seems deserted."
"Don't worry," says the bartender, "they'll be here soon.  They always come at Unhappy Hour."

"Are you here for the same problem?" asks the doctor.

"No," says the Ebola virus, "I finished the bottle of rational thinking, and it cured me."

"So what's the problem?" asks the doctor.

"I'm depressed," says the Ebola virus.

"Why?" asks the doctor.

"The human being that had infected me," says the Ebola virus, "is on the Internet writing blogs."

"Don't worry," says the doctor, "no one will read them."

FUN WITH ALIENS

An alien walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The alien says, "Nothing for me, but you're about to have an anal probe."

Q:  Why did the alien cross the road?

A:  To abduct a chicken.

An alien walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it--wait a minute.  Didn't I see you at the beginning of this blog?"

The alien says, "Yes."

The bartender says, "I remember that you came in here and that you did not order anything.  I don't remember what happened after that."

 

HOW MANY CELL PHONES . . .

Q:  Why did the cell phone cross the road?
A:   A chicken was using it and asking, "Can you hear me now?  Can you hear me now?"

Q:  Why don't cell phones use drugs?
A:  Because they are already wired.

Q:  How many cell phones does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  Changing light bulbs is not in the contract.

Q:  What happened when a cell phone died and went to Heaven?

A:  St. Peter sent it back with a new battery. 

MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL HUMOR?

Q:  How much money does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends upon whether it is a union, or non-union light bulb.

Q:  Why did the money cross the road?
A:  It was in a chicken's wallet.

 

 A hundred dollar bill walks into a bar.  The bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The hundred dollar bill says, "I'll have a glass of milk please."

"Milk?" asks the bartender.  "Since when do you go into a bar and order milk?"

The hundred dollar bill says, "Since when do you talk to hundred dollar bills that walk into your bar?"

 

A chicken gets to the other side of the road, and decides to check its wallet.  The chicken panics when it notices that money is missing.

"My hundred dollars is missing!   My hundred dollars is missing!  My hundred dollars is missing!" screams the chicken over and over and over again.

A man comes along and says, "Calm down.  It's down the street in the bar having a glass of milk."

 

The hundred dollar bill is finishing up its glass of milk when the bartender comes over and says, "I hear that loving your kind is the root of all evil."

The hundred dollar bill slams down its empty glass almost breaking it and says, "I've had enough of this blog!" and walks out.

DREAMS, CHICKENS AND BARTENDERS . . .

Q:   Why did the dream cross the road?
A:   Because it was going on the a chicken's mind.

Q:   Why did the chicken cross the road?
 A:  It was sleepwalking.

A dream walks into bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"
The dream says, "I'll have an interpretation on the rocks, please."
"A Jung interpretation, or a Freud interpretation?" asks the bartender.
"Yes," says the dream.
The bartender jumps up and flies away, and the dream enjoys its glass of milk.

How many dreams does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  You can't get a dream to change a light bulb because they spend too much time in bars drinking milk.

One dream walks up to another dream and says, "You're not making any sense."
The other dream says, "                                                       ."
 And the first dream says, "Now you're fading."

One dream to another, "Would you like to come over to my place for a nightmare?"
The second dream says, "No thanks.  I have to be up early tomorrow for a meeting with the collective unconscious."

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"The"
"The who?"
"The end of this dream."

THE ANIT-CHRIST, ADAM & EVE, THE DEVIL AND A CHICKEN, ETC.

SUITCASES? WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT SUITCASES?

Q: Why did the suitcase cross the road?
A: No one knows why, or where it got its legs.

 

Q: How many suitcases does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One -- with a little help from a human.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change 

     suitcase?
A:  Knock knock, to get to the other side.
                   (This joke submitted by Salvador Dali)

Q: What do you call a suitcase with a broken

      handle?
A:  A box.

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The suitcase says, "I'll have an Aviation, please.  It reminds me of where I see my friends."

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender says, "An Aviation, right?"

The suitcase says, "No, thank you.  This time I'll have a Screwdriver.  I want to fix my broken handle."

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The suitcase says, "I have just enough room in me for a Blue Blazer, thanks."

A man walks into a bar pulling a wagon with a suitcase on it.  The bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer please."
"And for the suitcase?" asks the bartender.

"Nothing," says the man.  "He's on the wagon."

A suitcase dies and goes to Heaven.  St. Peter meets it at the gate and says, "Finally!  I thought the airline had lost you forever."