How Fat?

He was so fat, they used his pants as parachutes.


She was so fat, you needed a submarine to have sex with her.


He was so fat, he needed two taxis to go anywhere.


She was so fat, she made hippos look anorexic.


He was so fat, someone always called the fire department when he smoked a cigarette.


She was so fat, astronomers thought she was a planet.


He was so fat, clouds thought him handsome.


She was so fat, seats complained when she sat on them.

ON NUMBERS

Do numbers count on each other?

"Why did zero cross the road?"

"I don't know.  Why?"

"To go nowhere."

How come zero is something when it comes to the weather, but nothing when it comes to a bank account?

"How many light bulbs does it take to change a number?"

"How many?"

"One, but the bulb has to be able to count."

Number 1 walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

And Number 1 said, "I'll have a zero, please."

The bartender served Number 1 a zero.  Number 1 drank it and said, "Ahhh, that's good!  Now I feel like a ten."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Eight."

"Eight who?"

"I didn't eat anyone."

"What happened when Number 3 gained weight?"

"What?"

"It became Number 8."

How come my feet aren't 12 inches?

"I have nothing more to say," said zero.

*EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT DEATH, BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK

*Well, not everything

Q:  Why did Death cross the road?

A:  It was following a chicken whose time was near.

Death walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

Death says, "I'll have you."

"Me?" says the bartender.  "Me?  But I'm not a drink."

"That's okay," says Death, "I'm not thirsty."

Death cares not whether

You're young or old

When Death visits you

You'll soon be cold

And stiff 

And rotting

And smelly

And not much fun to be with 

 

The only problem with Death is that all of its decisions are final.