WHY AM I HERE?

Why am I here?  What is the purpose of my life?  

My life has more than one purpose.  Here are some of the reasons I am here:

I am here to give the government money.  Like most people, I do so reluctantly.

I am here to provide a home for the occasional virus.  Viruses are homeless, and I provide temporary lodgings before they move to someone else.  

I am here to serve as a bad example.  Family and friends often point to me and say, "Don't be like him."

I am here to take up space.  Nature abhors a vacuum. 

I am here to keep grocery stores in business.  This is easy to do as long as I keep eating.

I am here to make people laugh.  I do not know how well I am doing with this purpose, but I am trying.  Some would say, "Very trying!"

I am here because I am not there.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO TO KEEP THEIR KIDS ACTIVE

This is not about what parents can do to keep their children active.  It is only a nice irrelevant title to go with the following irrelevant stuff:

If you stop breathing, then you don't have to worry about polluted air.

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In the future, things will be the same, but different.

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Is massage French for message?

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Be careful dating an e-mail.  You could catch a virus.

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How long should you plan to be spontaneous? 

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Is God's Will Jesus' brother William?

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That's enough irrelevancy for now.  Some kids want me to come and play.

I HEARD A BANANA SNEEZE

I heard a banana sneeze.  It was a slippery sneeze, and appealed to me to ask the following:

Do rocks ever get petrified?

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Where do viruses go when they get sick?

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If dust ruled the world, then would vacuum cleaners be in concentration camps?

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If you were taught the Medicine of the Future, then how could you know anything until the future happens?

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What is so bad about death?  Death reduces anxiety, stress, and depression -- at least for the deceased.

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Is growing grapes a fruitful business?

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Is it a coincidence that politician and parasite both begin with a p?

I better stop now.  The banana that sneezed is complaining about my humor.

BESTSELLERS AMONGST . . .

The following books are bestsellers, but only amongst the groups mentioned.

Bestseller amongst geese:

How To Keep Your Down When Everything Is Going Up  

by Harry Honk 

Amongst viruses:

Fifty Shades of Ebola 

by Diane Diagnose

Amongst Ku Klux Klan members:

A Brief History of White 

by Ray Cyst

Amongst brides:

How To Be A Virgin When You Ain't 

by Ida Impure

Amongst trains:

The Tracks of My Tears

by Loco Motif

Amongst ghosts:

Crime and Ectoplasm 

by Fyodor Ghostoyevsky

Amongst suicide bombers:

The Big Bang Theory

by G. Powder

Amongst endings:

Is It Really The End?

by Al L. Finn

ALL ABOUT EBOLA

An Ebola virus goes to its doctor and the doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
The Ebola virus says, "I think I caught a human being."
"What makes you think that?" asks the doctor.
"Well," says the Ebola virus, "I've started thinking that my fellow viruses are causing all my problems and I want to kill them."
"Yep," says the doctor, "you've definitely caught a human being."  He starts writing a prescription.  "I'm going to prescribe a bottle of rational thinking.  It will get rid of your human being, and prevent you from being infected by others."

Q: Why did the Ebola virus cross the road?

A:  To infect a chicken.

An Ebola virus walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The Ebola virus says, "I'll have a fever and sore throat on the rocks, thanks."

As the bartender fixes the drink he says, "You must be new around here.  I haven't seen you before."

"I've been around," says the Ebola virus, "I just never came in here.  It's lonely being famous.  I'm hoping to meet some other viruses to share the spotlight."

"You've come to the right place," says the bartender.  "You can pickup all kinds of viruses here.  This place is better than a hospital.  Our patrons include AIDS, Mad Cow, Gonorrhea, Malaria, and the flu to name a few."
"Well, where are they?" asks the Ebola virus.  "The place seems deserted."
"Don't worry," says the bartender, "they'll be here soon.  They always come at Unhappy Hour."

"Are you here for the same problem?" asks the doctor.

"No," says the Ebola virus, "I finished the bottle of rational thinking, and it cured me."

"So what's the problem?" asks the doctor.

"I'm depressed," says the Ebola virus.

"Why?" asks the doctor.

"The human being that had infected me," says the Ebola virus, "is on the Internet writing blogs."

"Don't worry," says the doctor, "no one will read them."

HOW ANTONIO CAMPANELLI CAUGHT A COLD

Rhino Pharyngitis walks into the travel agency.

             "I'd like to book an Italian," says Rhino.
             "We have a special on an American in Paris," says the travel agent.  
             "No," says Rhino.  "I've been in many Americans.  I'd like to visit an Italian for a change."
              "Male or female?" asks the travel agent.
              "Doesn't matter--wait, male please.  Females have much more plumbing than males,  There's more chance of other viruses being there.  I don't want a crowded vacation."
               "Okay," says the travel agent.  "I've booked you for a male Italian.  You'll spend a week in his nose before moving down to his throat and lungs."
                 "Thanks," says Rhino.
                 "Enjoy your trip," says the travel agent.