MOTHER NATURE'S MOOD SWINGS?

Hard-to-see snowflakes falling in Mel Lastman Square

Is Mother Nature having mood swings today? First it's cold and cloudy and windy.  Then it rains.  Then it snows.  Then the sun shines.  Then it rains.  Then it snows.  Then it's cold and cloudy and windy.  Then the sun shines.  What is going on?

If Mother Nature is not swinging her moods, then why is the weather so crazy today?

- The weather is taking orders from four different supervisors who say, "I don't care what so-and-so told you to do, I'm telling you to do this!"  So the weather starts to do this, and another supervisor comes along and tells the weather not to do this, but to do that.  And so on.

- The weather is high on air and can't remember what the it is supposed to be on May 15.  It's covering everything just to be sure.

-  The weather is playing with a gambling wheel, and changes to whatever comes up after each spin.

- The weather is suffering from north-south polar disorder.

Perhaps the weather is not crazy.  Perhaps the weather is normal.  Perhaps we're crazy for expecting the weather to be consistent for one day.

HOW COLD IS IT? II

J.D. Salinger has Holden Caulfield say, "It's as cold as a witch's tit."   Whatever the source of this expression, it is not true.  Witches are human beings with body temperatures.  They would be dead if their breasts were that cold. 

Toronto's temperature is like my bank account -- way below zero.   How cold is it?

It's so cold icebergs are vacationing in Toronto, but are not spending much time outside.

It's so cold that snot freezes the tissue before you finish blowing your nose.

It's so cold that brass monkeys have high voices.  

It's so cold my brain froze and---

 

HOW COLD IS IT?

It's so cold that icicles are wearing fur coats.

It's so cold that the snow caught a cold. 

It's so cold that the Sun is shivering.

It's so cold that polar bears are moving to Miami.

It's so cold that the temperature is lower than a madam's morals.

It's so cold that Charlie Hebdo changed its slogan to,

"Je suis COLD."

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE SAID IT BEST . . .

William Shakespeare said it best, "It's fucking cold outside!"

 

William Shakespeare also said, "Who the hell wrote my plays?"

The last words of Socrates? "Hey!  I asked for Kool-Aid.  This isn't Kool-Aid." 


Walt Disney said this?  "I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known." (Google this quote if you doubt me)  



"This play is boring.  Something better happen soon or else I'm leaving."
                                    - Abraham Lincoln


"I have nothing to offer but blood, sweat and tears.  I haven't got Ebola so everyone should be okay."
                                  - Winston Churhill 
 "Can I have one of the three?"
                       - Dracula to Winston


 "I'm spending waay too much money on razors!"
                           - The Wolfman


"The End is near!"
              - A Flea on a Dog's Tail

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, COUNT DRACULA!

"You made Gaylord the subject of a blog.  I want to be the subject of one, too."

Are you going to tell me that Dracula isn't your real name?

"No, Dracula is my name."
 
Well?  Why do you want to be the subject of a blog?

"To help me launch my stand-up comedy career.  I want to do stand-up comedy.  I can be funny at times.  Would you like to hear a routine?"

I thought you would never ask.

"Being dead is not fun at times.  Spending my days in my coffin is okay -- unless I have a cold.   Then I spend my time coughing in my coffin.  I pretty much have to let the cold run its course.  I can't take any garlic for it . . . 
You're not laughing."

No I'm not.  

"You don't think I'm funny?"

That bit wasn't that funny to me.  Someone else may find it gut-splitting.

"Perhaps I should stick to sucking blood instead of trying to kill on stage?"

Wow!  You have a fear of failure?  Have you ever been afraid to bite someone because you wouldn't suck their blood right?

"No, I'm confident at being a vampire.  I have a fear of failing as a comedian."

What does your heart tell you to do?

"My heart tells me to watch out for wooden stakes."

Now that's funny!

  

WHY?

Why is the Monday after Easter Sunday a holiday?   Did Jesus need a day to recover after rising from the dead?

Why is water wet?   Would we save time if water was dry?

Why does bus rhyme with Gus?  Why doesn't bus rhyme with orange?

Why is hot not hot when it's cold?  Why is cold not cold when it's hot? 

Why don't bad smells bother dogs?

Why don't dreams get released on DVD's?

Why aren't more lies true?

Why is why why?  Why isn't why x or z?

Why is it so hard to blog with limited Internet access?



"Wait! Wait! Spider! Wait! I have AIDS. I have herpes! I have malaria! I have the plague! I have a cold! I have the feeling you're not listening!"