REASONS TO BE GRATEFUL

I am grateful that I am not a blue doodle with red teeth.  (If I was, then what a problem I would have keeping my teeth red when brushing makes them white.)

I am grateful I am not a coffin and not a sneezing, and am in good Hellth.

I am grateful that I provide a refuge for bad smells.

I am grateful that I do not need to be refrigerated.

I am grateful that I am satisfied with my life because I have no idea where to get a refund.

I am grateful that my head contains nothing in particular. This keeps me smiling all the time.

I am grateful that I am washable, and do not permanently stain clothing.

I am grateful that I suffer from a fine madness, and defy classification by social workers.

I am grateful that I go on forever even after my blog stops.

STUFF THAT IS NOT CONNECTED FOR WHICH THERE IS NO TITLE

Imagine the noise if all the coffins in all the cemeteries constantly coughed.


If you want good quality, then buy items handmade by lesbians.


What do I know about dreams?  I always thought a nightmare was a dark horse.


How come we don't spell soldier s-o-u-l-g-e-r?


What do you do when you get to the end of stuff that is not connected for which there is no title? 
Do you Boolean your logic?
Do you reboot your shoes?
Do you stop asking stupid questions?  

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, COUNT DRACULA!

"You made Gaylord the subject of a blog.  I want to be the subject of one, too."

Are you going to tell me that Dracula isn't your real name?

"No, Dracula is my name."
 
Well?  Why do you want to be the subject of a blog?

"To help me launch my stand-up comedy career.  I want to do stand-up comedy.  I can be funny at times.  Would you like to hear a routine?"

I thought you would never ask.

"Being dead is not fun at times.  Spending my days in my coffin is okay -- unless I have a cold.   Then I spend my time coughing in my coffin.  I pretty much have to let the cold run its course.  I can't take any garlic for it . . . 
You're not laughing."

No I'm not.  

"You don't think I'm funny?"

That bit wasn't that funny to me.  Someone else may find it gut-splitting.

"Perhaps I should stick to sucking blood instead of trying to kill on stage?"

Wow!  You have a fear of failure?  Have you ever been afraid to bite someone because you wouldn't suck their blood right?

"No, I'm confident at being a vampire.  I have a fear of failing as a comedian."

What does your heart tell you to do?

"My heart tells me to watch out for wooden stakes."

Now that's funny!