ON SNOW

Snow walked into a bar.  The bartender wiped it up because it melted.



"Why did the snow cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why?"
"It didn't cross the road.  It was tossed on the other side by someone shoveling."

Salvador Dali: How many snowmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Straight Person For This Joke: I don't know.  How many?

Salvador Dali:  Melting clocks! 



Does Santa have a red nose from the cold, or from snorting snow?

KU KLUX KLAN UPSET OVER SNOWFLAKE DATING CORNFLAKE

Donald Trump: How many snowmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Hillary Clinton: I don't know, Donald.  How many?

Donald Trump: Just one, but it has to be an American snowman made from American snow.

COOL JOKES TO COMBAT THE HOT WEATHER

"Why did the snow cross the road?"
"Why?"
"It didn't cross the road.  It covered the road and the sidewalk and the houses and the trees and . . . "


When I was married and it got hot, I could keep cool by touching my ex-wife's shoulder.


An ice cube walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey!  How did you get out of the bucket?"
The ice cube said, "I served my time and now I'm free."
"That's not a funny answer," said the bartender.
"Who cares?" said the ice cube.  I'm cool no matter what."


"How many polar bears does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Just one, but you have to train it to do so.  You'll save time doing it yourself."

MOTHER NATURE'S MOOD SWINGS?

Hard-to-see snowflakes falling in Mel Lastman Square

Is Mother Nature having mood swings today? First it's cold and cloudy and windy.  Then it rains.  Then it snows.  Then the sun shines.  Then it rains.  Then it snows.  Then it's cold and cloudy and windy.  Then the sun shines.  What is going on?

If Mother Nature is not swinging her moods, then why is the weather so crazy today?

- The weather is taking orders from four different supervisors who say, "I don't care what so-and-so told you to do, I'm telling you to do this!"  So the weather starts to do this, and another supervisor comes along and tells the weather not to do this, but to do that.  And so on.

- The weather is high on air and can't remember what the it is supposed to be on May 15.  It's covering everything just to be sure.

-  The weather is playing with a gambling wheel, and changes to whatever comes up after each spin.

- The weather is suffering from north-south polar disorder.

Perhaps the weather is not crazy.  Perhaps the weather is normal.  Perhaps we're crazy for expecting the weather to be consistent for one day.

SOME CLASSIFIED ADS YOU WILL ONLY SEE HERE . . .

FOR SALE - One broken sewing machine.  Great for not making repairs to clothing.  Also makes a great paperweight.  Call Isaac Singer at . . . 


FOR SALE - Fallen snow.  Buy it before it melts!  Call Frosty at . . . 

FOR SALE - Used flying saucer.  Low light-years.  Great condition.  Used for abductions, anal probes and baking moon-crater cupcakes.  Asking 1 million dollars, or best offer.  Call Zork telepathically when the Moon is in the Seventh House.

FOR SALE - Killer Zombies.  Great for getting rid of bad neighbors.  Price - A pound of flesh or some brains.  Call Igor after midnight at . . .

FOR SALE - Armageddon.  Brand New!  Never used.  Great alternative when you need a Mental Health Day from work and do not want to use up your sick time.  Priceless, but no reasonable offer refused.  Call Antichrist at 666 666 6666.

PUN INTENDED

Snow - "Snow" is what snot says when it does not want to say "yes."


Ice Cream - Ice cream at bad puns!

Free - What comes after two.


Ear -   The length of time for membership in The Vincent Van Gogh Fan Club - one ear.

Adieu - Another word to describe a big party.



Disillusion - What chemists say when they hold up liquid mixture.

Hone - A tube-shaped musical instrument such as the French hone.



End - A conjunction used to join words such as pens end pencils.

HOW COLD IS IT?

It's so cold that icicles are wearing fur coats.

It's so cold that the snow caught a cold. 

It's so cold that the Sun is shivering.

It's so cold that polar bears are moving to Miami.

It's so cold that the temperature is lower than a madam's morals.

It's so cold that Charlie Hebdo changed its slogan to,

"Je suis COLD."

SEVEN AND A HALF REASONS WINTER IS STAYING IN TORONTO . . .

1 -  Public transit delays.

2 -  It wants to take full advantage of  all of the spring sales.

3 -  It loves the drama at city hall starring Rob Ford.

4 -  It's waiting for the Moon to moon something in Toronto.

5 -  It hasn't finished its nine-month course called, "Snow In Canadian Cities 101"

6 -  It likes Toronto.  The rent is cheap.

7 -  It is dating a Toronto sewer and does not to leave it.

7.5 - It''s writing a --

SOME STUPID THINGS PEOPLE DO . . .

People love kicks that kill them.  The mountains of evidence of the harmful effects of smoking, drinking, and drugs do not deter people from indulging.  "Harmful effects happen to other people, but will never happen to me."  is the attitude.  I suppose this is true.  Hospitals and rehab centers are full of  other people.

Baseball caps and running shoes in winter?  These items are fine in spring, summer and fall.   But in winter with knee-deep, blowing  snow and subzero temperatures, many people are still wearing baseball caps and running shoes!   "It's the style," they say.  Common sense takes a back seat when it comes to being in style.

Nonconformists will join groups to be with other nonconformists.

People will preach that racism and hatred are wrong, but hate racists.

People love going out to restaurants to order homemade food.  How can homemade food be made in any place except the home?                  

Zen calendars for sale?  Zen stresses The Eternal Now.  Doesn't a calendar go against Zen philosophy?  Do people need twenty-four pages of pictures, words, boxes and numbers to remind them that time does not exist?  Apparently so.

People will wear makeup to make themselves look natural.  They wear makeup to make themselves look as if they are not wearing any makeup?

And finally there are those people who blog about stupid things people do.  These bloggers think they are superior to other people, and that they are above and beyond doing stupid things.  How stupid is that?

WINTER SPEAKS . . .

"Sorry I'm late. I was delayed by the Union of Weather Workers. They're on strike and they made me wait at the picket line."