All About Time Machines

"Why did H.G. Wells cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To write on the other side."


"Why did the time machine cross the road?"
"I dunno."
"To give H.G. Wells a story idea."


"How many time machines does it take to change a light bulb."
"How many?"
"One, but it doesn't change the bulb.  The time machine travels into the future until someone else changes the bulb."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Time machine."

"Time machine who?

"Yes."

"I said, 'Time machine who?' "

"And I said, 'Yes.' "

"Why?"

"Because 'Who' is my last name."

"Really?"

"Yes. The Who's were the first family of time machines created by Professor Thomas P. Ticktock."

"Interesting, but too much information for a knock-knock joke."

A time machine walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Mr. Who, how are you?"

"How did you know my last name?" said the time machine.

And the bartender said, "I recognized you from the knock-knock joke.  What will it be?"

"I'll have a clock on the rocks, please."

"I'm sorry," said the bartender, "but we ran out of clocks yesterday."

"No worries," said the time machine, "I'll come back 2 days ago."

And when he finished writing, H.G. Wells crossed back across the road and walked out of this blog.

7 1/2 REASONS I WILL NOT LIVE ON MARS

All this talk about sending humans to live on Mars got me thinking why I would not go.  Here are my reasons: 

1 - I never liked being around Martians ever since my friend, Hebert George Wells, introduced me to them. Whenever I am around them, Martians always sneeze and accidentally set my clothes on fire.  I suspect that Martians are allergic to my vast intelligence and sharp wit.

2 - There are no nuts on Mars.  Let me qualify that.  There are no nuts that you eat on Mars.  I love edible nuts, but shipping them from Earth makes them too expensive.  Attempts to grow nuts on Mars always result in growing metal blocks with holes through them.

3 - Red is not my favorite color.

4 - A Martian year is 686 days long.  I do not want to wait almost two years to celebrate my birthday.

5 - I would be forced to join Inhabitants of Planets Smaller Than Earth.  Besides having to worry about Martians accidentally setting my clothes on fire, I would have to socialize with craters and rocks.  Craters and rocks are not great conversationalists.  Their idea of an exciting evening is to sit quietly and stare off into space.

6 - You have no privacy with NASA's robotic rover roaming all over the place snapping pictures.

7 - Having to listen to the Face on Mars boast about how wonderful it looks without makeup.

7 1/2 -  Oju ama jeck foddleopah constoo apa sar.*

*Martian for "I have not got a clue what this reason is."