WARNING: The following blog contains fucking words that some may find offensive. Reader discretion is advised. (Whatever that means.)
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Whenever someone tells me to shut the fuck up, I can never find the fuck because I don't know what the fuck looks like. Suppose I knew what the fuck looks like and found it, are there instructions on how to shut the fuck up?
"WHAT THE FUCK?"
A lot of people say this because they, too, don't know what the fuck looks like.
"SUCK MY DICK!"
I heard a guy say this to his girlfriend. They were having a volcanic argument. I thought, "Hey fella, she is furious with you. Do you really want her to do that since her mouth has teeth?"
"THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!"
What does the speaker's diet consist of that he or she knows something tastes like shit?
"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!"
Why would anyone announce that he or she is constipated?
"KISS MY ASS!"
Is the speaker really going to bare his or her ass so this can be done?
"FUCK OFF!"
There's that F-word again. Does fuck off mean that the speaker is cancelling an appointment for sex?
"EAT SHIT!"
I have been told to eat shit. "Why would I do that when there is plenty of food available?" I ask. Then whoever told me to eat shit tells me to "Fuck off!" How confusing! I never knew the fuck was ever on.
"BULLSHIT!"
I hope bulls never charge for the use of their caca. I and many people would always be in debt.
A bartender walks into a bar. The owner of the bar, who is also the bartender, says, "What's wrong, don't you have your own joke?"
A Who's-there? walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
The Who's-there? says, "I'll have a knock knock please."
The bartender says, "A knock knock?"
The Who's-there? says, "Who's there?"
The bartender says, "What's a knock knock?"
The Who's-there? says, "What's-a-knock-knock who?"
"No," says the bartender, "I'm asking what a knock knock is. I've never heard of that drink."
"Forget it," says the Who's-there?. "I'm leaving. You just ruined the joke!"
A naked man walks in to a bar and the bartender says, "Hey buddy, didn't you forget something?"
The naked man looks down at himself and then rushes out saying, "You're right, I forgot my wallet!"
A politician walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
The politician smiles and says, "What do most of your customers drink?"
The bartender says, "Beer."
"Then I'll have a beer, please," says the politician.
"What brand of beer?" asks the bartender.
"Uh-er-uh-can I get back to you on that?" asks the politician. "I want to set up a task force to study the matter further, and then make recommendations."
A turd walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve shit in here."
"That's not what I heard," says the turd. "I'll have a pina colada, please."
The bartender thinks for a moment, and then makes a flushing noise. The turd runs out terrified.
"I said, What's wrong, don't you have your own joke?"
"I do," says the bartender, "but I just came in here to get a break. I've had a rough shift. I had to deal with a Who's-there? who yelled at me for ruining its joke, a naked man without his wallet, a politician who couldn't order a beer without consulting a task force, and a turd who wanted a pina colada."
"Wow," says the owner-bartender, "that's rough! At least I don't have to worry about anything like that happening to me."
"Why not?" asks the bartender.
"Because," says the owner-bartender, "I was created just for this blog; so my existence ends when this blog ends."
"Really?" asks the bartender. "Do you believe in life after blog?"
"Oh please!" he prayed. "Please give me some kind of Spiritual Manifestation, some sign.
Please give me something to reassure me and guide me as to what to do."
He had followed his gut, no matter where it led him, because he had faith in his Inner Guidance. But sometimes doubt would rise along the way. Was it a test? The doubt would last until The Universe sent some sign, out of nowhere, removing the doubt and giving him guidance.
"Please," he continued, "I don't know what to do. Please send me a sign. Please!"
He started to cry. How desperate he was! He followed his gut. Why would it lead him down such a bleak path? What was the purpose? Where would he end up?
Then he felt it in his gut! Out of nowhere, without any warning, he began to shit his pants. Tons and tons of shit filling his underwear and running down legs! Oh, the abundance of The Universe! Here was the sign. Here was his Spiritual Manifestation. Here was the message from The Universe. How warm and comforting! Now he knew what to do, and he gave thanks.
I wish I could outsource my bowel movements -- pay someone in China or Mexico to have them for me. Either outsource my bowel movements, or be able to have one humongous dump in the morning, and none the rest of the day. If I could, then I would have no more washroom worries.
I like my three S's in the morning: shit, shower and shave. That way I am clean and fresh as I go forth, or fifth, seeking my fortune or fifthtune. But my bowels are moody and rebellious. "We don't wanna move now," they tell me before my shower. "We don't feel like it."
"Aw c'mon guys," I say. "We're beside a toilet now, and I can wash thoroughly afterwards."
"Nope," they say. "We're not moving now. We'll move when we feel like it."
Later in the day when I am no where near a washroom they proclaim, "Okay, we're ready to move now."
"Wait! Wait! I'm not near a washroom."
"That's your problem. We're moving."
But sometimes my capricious bowels do move before my shower. I think that all is well with the world after I leave home clean and fresh. And then an hour or so later, when I am no where near a washroom, my bowels ambush me.
"We're moving!"
"But you just moved an hour ago!" I say.
"Yup, and we're moving again."
My grandfather used to say, "It may not look like much in the toilet bowl, but it looks like a helluva lot in your pants." I agree.
So, there is no question about whether my bipolar bowels are working properly. I just wish that they would listen to me instead of making their own decisions.
On a positive note, my bowels have made me realize that I can't argue with anyone who says what I am full of.
