A FEW COURSES OFFERED AT CUTHBERT COLLEGE

Spitting and the Art of Self Defense:

Students learn how to lob loogies to protect themselves when being attacked.  Some saliva will be provided, but students should bring their own as the saliva supply is limited.

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Lunch 101:

Learn the proper way to take and eat your lunch. 

Prerequisite: Breakfast.  Students should bring their own food.

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How To Be Your Dog's Best Friend:

Students learn the importance of fire hydrants, and what to notice when sniffing a dog's butt.  

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Not Drawing and Writing:

Students learn the many ways of saying, "I can't!"

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How To Find Things Out:

Students wishing to take this course must find out what it's about and where to take it.   

MY HEAD "ROCKS" WITH QUESTIONS

It is not true that rocks don't talk.  The rocks in my head have a lot to say, but mostly they ask questions:

"Do beavers ever get damned tired?"

"Was Oedipus Rex the first person to engage in sexual intercourse with his mother?"

  

"Is there a word for a person who engages in sexual intercourse with mothers?"

"How would cops cope if there were copious crooked cops?"

"What do cannibals pack for lunch?  Ladyfingers?  Esophagus sandwiches?  Bellybutton pudding?

"Would we feel less lonely if more people had rocks in their heads?"

"Can we stop asking questions now?"

UNREASONALBLE RULES OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN

Never eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the same time.  Eat these meals separately over periods of time throughout the day.


No matter how big your mouth is, always use one fork or spoon when eating.


Eat junk food now and again for fun.


Never wear your underwear for more than seven years without changing it.


Always make sure that your pants are down before using toilet paper.


Always read with your eyes open.


Never meditate while sitting on train tracks.


Do not breathe underwater unless drowning is your goal.


Make sure you get a minimum of a million hours of sleep each night after you die.