HOW TO GET RICH

The following are surefire ways to get rich:


- Win the lottery;


- Have lots of money;


- Invest money in the sock market;
(The sock market is a shoo-in.)


- Sell your brains to zombies;
(Make sure you don't need them.)


- Start a life insurance company and sell life insurance policies to immortals;
(Their premiums will never stop, and you will never have to payout.)


- Ask Warren Buffett for lots of money;


- Pretend you're rich;


 and finally,

 
If you want to be rich, then never spend any money ever again.  Never!  

Hmmm . . .

A health-conscious killer will give his victims organically-grown poison.


At times, life is an organized mess.


All housing is affordable if you have enough money.


When you consider when it is paid, life insurance should be called death insurance.


By the time they become adults, most humans are self-cleaning.


A renovated brain will improve your life.


Caca never dies.


When a company advertises that it has over 50 years experience, it could mean that it has over 50 years of making mistakes.


Superman never received an award for courage.


The End is The End except when it isn't.

I HOPE . . .

I hope God never contracts out the angels' jobs to a private company.  Can you imagine having to pay for the protection of guardian angels?


I hope my harp never becomes a harpy.


I hope cigarettes never get cancer.


I hope a head of cabbage never has a bad hair day.


I hope, after I die, that I come back as a beneficiary to my life insurance policy.


I hope I don't get dirty after I fall in love.


I hope The Pope can cope with priests who grope.


I hope The never divorces End.

MARCH 15, 44 BCE

In an alternate universe, did a soothsayer approach the Ides of March and say, "Beware of Julius Caesar, for he will make a bloody mess."

***

Brutus walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

Brutus says, "I'll have a Bloody Caesar, please."

"I should have known," said the bartender.

***

Cassius:  He's back!

Brutus:  Who's back?

Cassius:  Caesar, Julius Caesar.  He's back.

Brutus:  He is?

Cassius:  Yes, but only as a salad.  He'll leaf us alone if we leaf him alone.

***

"How are you getting along these days, Julius?" asks a reporter.

"Great!" says Caesar. "My friends always have my back."

  

***

"Hello.  Is this the Praetorian Insurance Company?  It is?  Good.  I'm a beneficiary on Julius Caesar's life insurance policy.  It's been 2,059 years since he died, and I have yet to receive any money . . . "