No matter where I went today, people were smoking cigarettes, smoking marijuana or farting. Lots of cigarettes. Lots of marijuana. Lots of farts.
I do not like smelling cigarette smoke.
I do not like smelling pot smoke.
I do not mind people farting.
Why?
There is no evidence that a second-hand fart is harmful.
Air walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Why would you walk in when you're already here?"
And air said, "I like to get around."
"What will it be?" asked the bartender. "The same thing you're having over there?"
Air looked over at itself in another part of the bar drinking a beer.
"No, I'd like something different," said air. "I'll have--"
But then the wind blew through an open window, and air was gone.
And the bartender said, "Thank God that the wind in this joke was not strong enough to blow away my bar!"
"I can get high without you," said the air to the marijuana.
Where does air sleep?
If air is a gaseous mixture, then how come it never farts?
An airhead walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What can I get you?"
The airhead said, "Ummmmmm . . . "
"A beer? Juice? A scotch and water? What would you like?" said the bartender.
And the airhead said, "Ummmmmm . . . "
"Look," said the bartender, "you must have wanted a drink. Why else would you walk into a bar?"
"A bar?" said the airhead. "A bar? I thought this was a place for meditation."
"What's the difference between air and space?"
"I don't know. What?"
"Space is cleaner because it has a vacuum."
Where does air end?
What does a grasshopper think about between jumps? Politics? Religion? How to be the best pests?
Here are some grasshopper thoughts:
"Did Lee Harvey Oswald have a sex change? Was he once a woman who was dumped by JFK, and had a sex-change operation before getting revenge?"
"I'm getting tired of eating plants. Should I try that brown stuff the flies eat?"
"I could jump higher if they repealed the Law of Gravity."
"How come I only see my twin when I look in the water?"
"How much money would I make if I started selling grass?"
"How come we grasshoppers never make it to the Olympics?"
"Should I walk instead of jump?"
"Public transit sucks on this lawn!"
"How many grasshoppers die, each year, from overdosing on weed?"
"Eeeewww! This brown stuff tastes like shit!"
"What do sound like when I think?"
