ON JOKES

A joke walked into a bar, and the bartender started laughing and laughing.



"Why did the joke cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"Because a chicken was telling it."
"Oh yeah?  What was the joke about?"
"I'm not sure since I am just learning chicken, but it had something to do with prostitutes laying eggs."



"How many jokes does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know.  How many?"
"Six hundred and forty-seven."
"What?  Six hundred and forty-seven jokes to change a light bulb?" 
"Yeah, 647 jokes to change a light bulb."
"Why so many?"
"The jokes are in the union."



A joke has a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked another joke.
And the joke replied, "My punchline lost control."

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Joke."

"Joke who?"

"I would hope that you wouldn't want to joke anyone."

The bartender was still laughing.  The joke was not impressed.  Not only has the bartender peed his pants, but his ass fell off.  

"I'm not that funny!" said the joke.

But the bartender kept laughing, and died laughing right there in the bar.  The bartender was deader than Dracula getting a suntan.

The joke left, but later complained to The Bar Association (TBA) about the bartender's behavior and poor service.  TBA fined the bartender, and ordered him never to die laughing again. 

ON SECRETS

"Why did the secret cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"Neither do I.  It's a secret."



"How many secrets does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I suppose that's a secret, too?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"It's a secret."



A secret walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
The secret said, "I'll have a beer, please, but don't tell anyone."
"Why?" asked the bartender.
"Because," said the secret, "for all we know the beer could be underage." 



Does Victoria Secret come from a Family of Secrets?



Do secrets keep secrets from each other?



Do missionaries prefer the Top Secret?



How can James Bond be a secret agent when everyone knows who he is?



"Don't tell anyone that I told you not to tell anyone."

ON CHAIRS

A chair walked into a bar and bartender said, "What will it be?"
The chair said, "I'll have a seat, please."
And the bartender sat down.
Satisfied, the chair left.



"How many chairs does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know."
"Two.  One chair on the floor, and the other to stand on it to change the bulb."




"Why did the chair cross the road?"
"Why?"
"Someone needed a seat on the other side."

A chair went to the dentist and the dentist said,"What are you doing here?  You have no teeth."
And the chair said, "Thanks.  I thought so, but I wanted to be sure."

Do chairs ever get sore backs?

Here are the words

Of a chair to a tree,

"As I am now,

Soon you will be."

"Hey!" screamed the bartender.  "Can I stand up now?  This blog is over."

ON FRUITCAKES

A fruitcake walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Wow! I've had priests, rabbis, ministers, salesmen, etc., walk into my bar, but never a fruitcake."
And the fruitcake said, "Are you sure that none of them were fruitcakes?"



"Why did the fruitcake cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To nut and spice on the other side."
"I don't get it."
"That's okay, neither do I."



"How many fruitcakes does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know.  How many?"
"One, but it makes itself invisible first."
"Why?"
"Because fruitcakes are considerate and know how shocked people would be of they saw fruitcakes changing light bulbs."

The bartender said, "So fruitcake, what will it be?"

But before the fruitcake answered, it looked at its cell phone's text message.

"Important?" asked the bartender.

"Yes," said the fruitcake.  "I'll be right back.  I gotta go to change a light bulb."

And the fruitcake disappeared.

CHRISTMAS QUESTIONS

Is Christmas getting close when you see red squirrels eating green nuts?



Doesn't Santa violate privacy laws by keeping a list of who is naughty and nice?



Why don't Santa and Mrs. Claus have children?  Is Santa too busy with the elves?



Should Rudolph get paid more than the other reindeer?



Do Santa's elves have a dental plan?



How old is Santa, and when is he going to retire?



Does reindeer poop contribute to climate change?



Does Santa deliver toys around the world in one night without having to go to the bathroom?



Has Santa ever used a razor?



Are Santa and Mrs. Claus renting, or do they own their North Pole home?



What is Mrs. Claus' first name?


Is it Christmas yet?
(Just 31 days away)

WHO KILLED JFK?

On Friday November 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy had his plans ruined for the day.  Who ruined JFK's plans?  Here are some theories:


Jackie Kennedy hired Donal Trump to kill her husband after JFK took out a life insurance policy.  Trump used the money to build a financial empire.


John Wilkes Booth killed JFK.  On April 14, 1865, Booth fell into a black hole which sent him to November 22, 1963.  A confused Booth shot Kennedy thinking that Kennedy was Lincoln.


Bill Cosby killed killed Kennedy.  Cosby was angry at Kennedy for sleeping with Cosby's girlfriends. 



Barack Obama killed Kennedy because JFK took Obama's birth certificate.


Aldolphus J. Klinkenbroomer killed Kennedy.  Klinkenbroomer was a loner and a loser who failed at everything he did.  Klinkenbroomer killed Kennedy to become famous.


Hillary Clinton killed JFK.  Wikileaks will release e-mails explaining why.


To get out of a loveless marriage, JFK shot himself.  To make it look as if someone else shot him, JFK skillfully used mirrors, duct tape and Silly Putty.


No one killed JFK.  Kennedy never existed.  You don't exist.  This blog does not exist.  The whole Universe is part of a CIA mind-control experiment.

ON EXCUSES

"Where's your dog?"
A homework monster ate it."



"Sorry, but I can't have you over for dinner.  I'm using my knives for something else, and can't prepare food properly," said Jack The Ripper.



"Sorry I can't come to your picnic.  During the day is not a good time for me," said Dracula. 



"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do" really means,
"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I will do. You're not rich and powerful and cannot affect my career."



"I can't write today.  My pen is in the drawer, and the paper is way over there on the shelf."



"Hi boss?  It's me.  I can't come to work today.  I have Alzheimer's disease.  And I'll have 4 Cokes as well.  How long before the pizza arrives?"



"I would love to be your leader, but I didn't get enough votes,"  said Hillary.



"I want to be honest, but I don't want to ruin it for my coworkers," said the politician.



"I would love to come up with more excuses, but I have to deliver some cokes and a pizza."

ON SNOW

Snow walked into a bar.  The bartender wiped it up because it melted.



"Why did the snow cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why?"
"It didn't cross the road.  It was tossed on the other side by someone shoveling."

Salvador Dali: How many snowmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Straight Person For This Joke: I don't know.  How many?

Salvador Dali:  Melting clocks! 



Does Santa have a red nose from the cold, or from snorting snow?

KU KLUX KLAN UPSET OVER SNOWFLAKE DATING CORNFLAKE

Donald Trump: How many snowmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Hillary Clinton: I don't know, Donald.  How many?

Donald Trump: Just one, but it has to be an American snowman made from American snow.

ON FLIES

"Why did the fly cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"It was in a pair of pants worn by a chicken."



 A fly walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
"I'll have a beer please," said the fly.
The bartender brings the fly a beer.  The fly takes one sip and spits it out.
"This beer tastes like shit!" said the fly.
"I know," said the bartender, "I thought you'd like it."

"I'm glad dogs care," said one fly to another.
"Really?  Why is that?" asked the other fly.
And the fly replied, "Because dogs give a shit."

 

A fly walked into a bar.  The bartender swatted it  and that was it.

I AM GRATEFUL II

I am grateful that my tears are not made of hydrochloric acid.



I am grateful that the sun goes down at sundown, and not up.



I am grateful that a cliff hasn't fallen off me.



I am grateful for the Seven Seas, but I don't know why.



I am grateful for having a womb of my own before I was born.



I am grateful that my parents were not goats.  



I am grateful for yesterday.  I am grateful for today.  I haven't decided about tomorrow.



I am grateful that I am not a zombie.  I've never had brains, and do not want to start eating them now.



I am grateful that it is not Thanksgiving.  I'm not ready yet.

I AM GRATEFUL

I am grateful for my shoes.  If it wasn't for my shoes, then I wouldn't have a sole.



I am grateful for mountains.  If it wasn't for mountains, then we wouldn't have molehills.



I am grateful for my bicycle.  If it wasn't for my bicycle, then there would be less dust in my storage unit.



I am grateful for children.  If it wasn't for children, then I would have no mentors.



I am grateful for ceremony.  If it wasn't for ceremony, then I wouldn't have a cerebank account.



I am grateful for birds.  If it wasn't for birds, then people would never wash their cars.



I am grateful for roads.  If it wasn't for roads, then we would have a buildup on one side of chickens.



I am grateful for religion.  If it wasn't for religion, then we wouldn't have hatred and wars. 



I am grateful for cats.  If it wasn't for cats then we would have less pictures on Facebook. 



I am grateful for grateful.  If it wasn't for grateful, then I couldn't be grateful.

ON DREAMS

I had a dream that the world ended, but Donald Trump was still President of America.  The world ending made it hard for President Trump to build a wall.  There was no place to build a wall, and there were no people to keep out.  But President Trump built the wall anyway.  The wall went on to star in its own Unreality TV show.



A group of hostages, who were being held hostage by fruit gone bad, took me hostage.  The hostages said that they would let me go if I woke up.  I woke up and they let me go.



I dreamed I was sleeping and awoke to discover my dream was true.



A bus claimed that I got it pregnant.  It was hard to tell the bus was pregnant because it was naturally big.  
I wasn't sure I was the father.  I remember sleeping on the bus, but I don't remember sleeping with the bus.
How relieved I felt when the bus gave birth to a broom.  I knew I wasn't the father.



I dreamed that my cell phone lost me, and I was never found.

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY AND CONCENTRATION

In a saucepan, heat oil over medium heat.  Add leeks and salt.  Cook until you are flying in an airplane.

When you meet people for the first time, kill them.  That way you will never forget their names.  (If you do forget, then the police will remind you.)



Trust your subconscious and give it some money now and again.



To remember where you put your glasses, don't wear them.

Add garlic.  Heat for 1 minute.  Add broth, tomatoes, red peppers, thyme and a flashlight.  Bring to a boil, and reduce heat for your trip to the beach. 

Dog   Car   Mountain   Carpet

A dog drove his mountain to a huge car, climbed the car, and peed on the carpet.

Spelling in English can be a challenge.  The best way to remember how to spell is to carry a dictionary.

Exercise helps improve memory and concentration.  To get all the exercise you need, climb one mountain per day.

When done, pour soup in serving bowls and top each bowl with sawdust.  Serve with science fiction.

ON PROCRASTINATION

CREATIVE PROCRASTINATION 101

If you're just getting started as a procrastinator, and haven't decided what you are going to put off doing, then this course gives you the opportunity to put off a selection of different tasks.  (We'll get back to you about location and cost.)


A procrastinator walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
The procrastinator said, "Uhhh . . . "


"How many procrastinators does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Just one, but he or she may never get around to doing it." 


"Why did the procrastinator cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why?"
"To avoid doing things on the other side."


"Have you decided what you want?" asked the bartender.
"Yes," replied the procrastinator.
"Well?  What?"
"I want more time to decide."  


"What's a procrastinator's favorite word?"
"What?"
"No, not 'What.'  It's tomorrow."


"Why didn't the procrastinator draw a circle?"
"I don't know.  Why?"
"Because he never got around to it."

 


"Look," said the bartender, "I'm running a business here.  If you can't decide what you want, then I'm going to ask you to leave."
"Okay," said the procrastinator, "I want a drink. . . "
"Well?  What kind of drink?"
"A Gin and tonic," said the procrastinator.
"Hallelujah!  He finally ordered a drink.  One Gin and tonic coming up."
"Wait a minute," said the procrastinator.  I'd like a Gin and tonic, but can I drink it tomorrow?"

BOOKS THAT EXIST SOMEWHERE

A Beginner's Guide To Farting

               by A. Hole

How To Meditate During Rush Hour

               by Tom Traffic 

Dreams and Chairs

         by Sigmund Seat

The Wizard of Nothing

By Nick Naught

Sleeping With Your Eyes Closed

by Denise Dozing

 

Wonder In Wonderland

by C. Curi Osity

A Clockwork Apple

by C. Fruit

For Whom The Bells Jingle

by Santi Claus

The Catcher In The Baseball Field

by Homer Plate

Catch-3.14159265358979323846

by Joke Heller

CLUBS, ORGANIZTIONS AND ASSOCIATIONS THAT EXIST SOMEWHERE

The Association of Lottery Losers  (ALL)



Common Sense Club  (CSC)



Bad Smells Incorporated  (BSI)



The Green Cheese Moon Society  (GCMS)



The Wholesale Holistic Poison Store



The Sickness And Death Clinic



The Future Life Regression Place



The Descended Masters' Palace



The Probiotic Robots' Colon Club


The End

WHAT THEY REALLY SAID AND THOUGHT

TV SHOWS THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT

The Bastard - Single men compete to be chosen the worst person ever.



Who Wants To Be Poor? - Could not get any contestants for this show. 



Walking Alive - A group of people walk around.  That's it.



The Bad Place - Who wants to watch a show about Hell?



The Game of Brones - What the hell is a brone?



Stuper Girl - Too many protests from women over this show.



Unfinished Business - This show--

TRY THIS! (BUT NOT AT HOME)

Close your eyes while driving.  See how long you can drive before you have an accident.



Jump off a tall building while tossing a penny.  See whether you or the penny hit the ground first.



Run down the stairs with your shoelaces untied.



Hold your breath for 20 minutes underwater.  Do this daily.  It's better than meditation.



Using only your body, try to stop a truck coming at you at 47 miles per hour.  (Anything faster than 47 mph is too dangerous.)



Explore the inside of a giant shark's mouth.  (You can do this after holding your breath underwater for 20 minutes.)



Walk into a bank brandishing a big gun.  Casually ask, "Are you giving away any money today?"



Practise dying.



Lock yourself in a public washroom and scream, "I'm gonna murder the toilets unless you give into my demands!"



Write a silly blog about destructive behavior.

A SHORT POLITICAL SPEECH

"If elected, I promise to break all the promises I made to get me elected.  Why should I be any different than any other politician?  

"We politicians don't care about you.  We care about getting elected, and getting re-elected.  We will do and say anything to get you to vote us into office, and allow us stay in office.

"We are grateful for your short memories.  Thank you."

IS IT POSSIBLE?

Is it possible that the sky is not the limit?




Is it possible that stress is the cause of stress?



Is it possible to be carefree when you are dead?



Is it possible to hear better when you close your eyes?



Is it possible that Vincent Van Gogh was selling himself to a cannibal piece by piece?



Is it possible that reincarnation causes past lives?



Is it possible that mirrors cause reflections?



Is it possible that you will run out of things to say if you live forever?



Is it possible that psychiatrists invent mental illnesses to make more money?



Is it possible to be happily depressed?



Is it possible that The End is not The's butt?

IT'S ABOUT TIME

On Sunday November 6, 2016a.m., at 2:00 a.m., we set our clocks back one hour going from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time.  Did anyone tell Mother Nature so she can adjust her clocks?



"Spring forward.  Fall back."
"What about Summer and Winter?"
"They're watching Spring and Fall doing gymnastics."

  

"Daddy," said the child clock, "how long before we get to Standard Time?"

And the daddy clock replied, "It will take us about an hour." 

"Hey Clock, how come it didn't take you long to read War and Peace?" 

And Clock replied, "Oh, I have lots of time on my hands."

A mother sees her child rubbing a watch on his scraped knee.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"I'm making my booboo better," says the child.  "I heard that time heals all wounds."

If time flies, then how come it has never crashed into airplanes?

"I promise to love you until the end of time.  After that I'm gonna find someone else."

Shhhhhhhhh!

What does silence look like?

Silence used to be golden, but current economic conditions have turned it bronze.

"Why did silence cross the road?"

"I don't know."

"To go to a bar."

Silence walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

Silence said, "Shhhhhhhhh!"

The bartender served shhhhhhhhh! to silence.  Silence drank it, paid, and left.

"Why did silence cross the road?"

"To go to a bar?"

"No, to go back home.  It had just left the bar."

"Where does silence live?"

"Unfortunately nowhere near me."

If silence falls in the forest, and no one is there not to listen, is there still no noise?

QUIET IS REQUESTED FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO LISTEN TO THE VOICES IN THEIR HEADS

WHERE ARE THE ANSWERS?

Where does the air stop and the sky begin?



If my mind was a mountain, then how high would it be?



Am I a cynic even though I don't do evil things?



Who is responsible for all the stupid people on this planet?



Was Clark Gable the triangular part of a building?



Does a traitor buy and sell stuff?



How come we don't see any answers blowing in the wind?

WHAT THEIR HOROSCOPE SAID

Abraham Lincoln on April 14, 1865:

Expect the unexpected.  Things may end for you sooner than you think.



Thomas Edison on the day he invented the light bulb:

It's a favorable time for new ideas.  The moon is in the outhouse.  Don't give up.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.



Julius Caesar March 15, 44 BC:

Others will show you what they think.  Don't take it personally. 



John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963:

You are popular.  Smile, and kiss your ass goodbye.



The Titanic on April 15, 1912:

An unexpected introduction leaves you with that sinking feeling.  Relax.  You're about to go down in history.


Jesus sometime in 33 AD:

Don't worry if people try to nail you.  Soon you will rise above it.



The Wolf Man once a month:

The full moon marks the start of a period when you show off.  Enjoy yourself, but keep away from silver bullets.



Funny Bone Technician on November 3, 2016:

Don't get carried away.  Know when to stop. Leave your audience wanting more.