WHERE ARE THE ANSWERS?

Where does the air stop and the sky begin?



If my mind was a mountain, then how high would it be?



Am I a cynic even though I don't do evil things?



Who is responsible for all the stupid people on this planet?



Was Clark Gable the triangular part of a building?



Does a traitor buy and sell stuff?



How come we don't see any answers blowing in the wind?

WHAT THEIR HOROSCOPE SAID

Abraham Lincoln on April 14, 1865:

Expect the unexpected.  Things may end for you sooner than you think.



Thomas Edison on the day he invented the light bulb:

It's a favorable time for new ideas.  The moon is in the outhouse.  Don't give up.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.



Julius Caesar March 15, 44 BC:

Others will show you what they think.  Don't take it personally. 



John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963:

You are popular.  Smile, and kiss your ass goodbye.



The Titanic on April 15, 1912:

An unexpected introduction leaves you with that sinking feeling.  Relax.  You're about to go down in history.


Jesus sometime in 33 AD:

Don't worry if people try to nail you.  Soon you will rise above it.



The Wolf Man once a month:

The full moon marks the start of a period when you show off.  Enjoy yourself, but keep away from silver bullets.



Funny Bone Technician on November 3, 2016:

Don't get carried away.  Know when to stop. Leave your audience wanting more.

THINGS THEY NEVER KNEW

Adam and Eve never knew what is was like to go through puberty, and have pimples.



Noah never knew solitude.

Leonardo Da Vinci never knew why Mona Lisa was almost smiling. 



William Shakespeare never knew how to spell.



Sir Isaac Newton never knew how grateful he should be because watermelons don't grow on trees.



Benjamin Franklin never knew what it is like to pay for electricity.



René Descartes never knew that he could be without thinking.

Charles Dickens never knew that novels could be movies.




Adolph Hitler never knew sanity.

Albert Einstein never knew a good hair stylist.




God never knew what an embarrassment human beings would be before he created Adam and Eve.

HEADLINE HALLUCINATIONS

DONALD TRUMP AND HILLARY CLINTON SECRET LOVERS

TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS WIN STANLEY CUP

SOLDIERS AROUND THE WORLD STOP FIGHTING TO PLAY POKEMON

PICASSO'S LOST DIARY ADMITS

 THAT HE CANNOT DRAW

GOVERNMENT CANCELS INCOME TAX

NATION'S POLITICIANS AGREE

 TO WORK FOR NO MONEY

 MICHAEL JACKSON FOUND 

ALIVE ON THE MOON

EARTH ADMITS BEING MENOPAUSAL

GLOBAL WARMING ONLY HOT FLASHES

GOVERNMENT TO RETURN MISSPENT 

MONEY TO TAXPAYERS

CANCER CAUSES SMOKING ACCORDING

TO NEW STUDY

FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN ENDS

 BLOG TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

HALLOWEEN? THAT'S NOT FUNNY

 

"What do they give out at brothels for Halloween?"

"What?"

"Tricks only because the trick is the treat."

"Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"

"Why?"

"It didn't.  Pumpkins don't have legs."

A pumpkin walked into a bar and the bartender said, "How did you get in here?  Pumpkins don't  have legs,"

But the pumpkin couldn't answer because pumpkins can't talk.  And the pumpkin couldn't order a drink because pumpkins can't talk.  So the pumpkin sat there for a bit, and then got up and walked out.  And the bartender made a mental note not to do drugs anymore.

 

I want to dress up as an honest politician, but I can't find a costume.

For Halloween, will Hillary Clinton dress up as a woman?

For Halloween, will Donald Trump dress up as a gentleman? 

Would I have to wear a costume if I dressed up as a jerk?

Is it true that Halloween was started by The International Association of Dentists?

COFFEE AND WHAT?

On the bus, this morning, I saw a man picking his nose.

"But that's not unusual."

He was eating what he picked from his nose.

"Yuck!  But that's still not unusual."

But he had a cup of coffee in his other hand, and would drink from it after he ate boogers from his nose.

"Okay, that's unusual."

Is this a new trend?  Will people one day meet for coffee and boogers?  Will you see signs in coffee shops and restaurants:

 

So, would you like to meet for a coffee and snot?

"Uh, no thanks." 

INTELLECTUAL HUMOR

"Should I sell my collection of boulders?" asked Sisyphus.  "Will they amount to more than a hill of beans?"


"Why did Albert Einstein cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"To visit a Relative."


How I Got From Bored To Bard 
 by William Shakespeare.


"Why did Socrates cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"He was on a special mission from the CIA, and that's all you need to know."


Is it true that Thomas Edison wore diapers, and light bulbs used to change him? 


After he died, Friedrich Nietzsche retracted his statement, "God is dead."


My bank account was the inspiration for Jean Paul Sartre's book,  Being and Nothingness.


"Why did Pythagoras cross the road?"
"Another mission by the CIA?"
"No.  Pythagoras crossed the road to see his pet hypotenuse which he kept in a square on the other two sides."


"Okay, that's enough!  My brain hurts."