I AM GRATEFUL II

I am grateful that my tears are not made of hydrochloric acid.



I am grateful that the sun goes down at sundown, and not up.



I am grateful that a cliff hasn't fallen off me.



I am grateful for the Seven Seas, but I don't know why.



I am grateful for having a womb of my own before I was born.



I am grateful that my parents were not goats.  



I am grateful for yesterday.  I am grateful for today.  I haven't decided about tomorrow.



I am grateful that I am not a zombie.  I've never had brains, and do not want to start eating them now.



I am grateful that it is not Thanksgiving.  I'm not ready yet.

I AM GRATEFUL

I am grateful for my shoes.  If it wasn't for my shoes, then I wouldn't have a sole.



I am grateful for mountains.  If it wasn't for mountains, then we wouldn't have molehills.



I am grateful for my bicycle.  If it wasn't for my bicycle, then there would be less dust in my storage unit.



I am grateful for children.  If it wasn't for children, then I would have no mentors.



I am grateful for ceremony.  If it wasn't for ceremony, then I wouldn't have a cerebank account.



I am grateful for birds.  If it wasn't for birds, then people would never wash their cars.



I am grateful for roads.  If it wasn't for roads, then we would have a buildup on one side of chickens.



I am grateful for religion.  If it wasn't for religion, then we wouldn't have hatred and wars. 



I am grateful for cats.  If it wasn't for cats then we would have less pictures on Facebook. 



I am grateful for grateful.  If it wasn't for grateful, then I couldn't be grateful.

ON DREAMS

I had a dream that the world ended, but Donald Trump was still President of America.  The world ending made it hard for President Trump to build a wall.  There was no place to build a wall, and there were no people to keep out.  But President Trump built the wall anyway.  The wall went on to star in its own Unreality TV show.



A group of hostages, who were being held hostage by fruit gone bad, took me hostage.  The hostages said that they would let me go if I woke up.  I woke up and they let me go.



I dreamed I was sleeping and awoke to discover my dream was true.



A bus claimed that I got it pregnant.  It was hard to tell the bus was pregnant because it was naturally big.  
I wasn't sure I was the father.  I remember sleeping on the bus, but I don't remember sleeping with the bus.
How relieved I felt when the bus gave birth to a broom.  I knew I wasn't the father.



I dreamed that my cell phone lost me, and I was never found.

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY AND CONCENTRATION

In a saucepan, heat oil over medium heat.  Add leeks and salt.  Cook until you are flying in an airplane.

When you meet people for the first time, kill them.  That way you will never forget their names.  (If you do forget, then the police will remind you.)



Trust your subconscious and give it some money now and again.



To remember where you put your glasses, don't wear them.

Add garlic.  Heat for 1 minute.  Add broth, tomatoes, red peppers, thyme and a flashlight.  Bring to a boil, and reduce heat for your trip to the beach. 

Dog   Car   Mountain   Carpet

A dog drove his mountain to a huge car, climbed the car, and peed on the carpet.

Spelling in English can be a challenge.  The best way to remember how to spell is to carry a dictionary.

Exercise helps improve memory and concentration.  To get all the exercise you need, climb one mountain per day.

When done, pour soup in serving bowls and top each bowl with sawdust.  Serve with science fiction.

ON PROCRASTINATION

CREATIVE PROCRASTINATION 101

If you're just getting started as a procrastinator, and haven't decided what you are going to put off doing, then this course gives you the opportunity to put off a selection of different tasks.  (We'll get back to you about location and cost.)


A procrastinator walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
The procrastinator said, "Uhhh . . . "


"How many procrastinators does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Just one, but he or she may never get around to doing it." 


"Why did the procrastinator cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why?"
"To avoid doing things on the other side."


"Have you decided what you want?" asked the bartender.
"Yes," replied the procrastinator.
"Well?  What?"
"I want more time to decide."  


"What's a procrastinator's favorite word?"
"What?"
"No, not 'What.'  It's tomorrow."


"Why didn't the procrastinator draw a circle?"
"I don't know.  Why?"
"Because he never got around to it."

 


"Look," said the bartender, "I'm running a business here.  If you can't decide what you want, then I'm going to ask you to leave."
"Okay," said the procrastinator, "I want a drink. . . "
"Well?  What kind of drink?"
"A Gin and tonic," said the procrastinator.
"Hallelujah!  He finally ordered a drink.  One Gin and tonic coming up."
"Wait a minute," said the procrastinator.  I'd like a Gin and tonic, but can I drink it tomorrow?"

BOOKS THAT EXIST SOMEWHERE

A Beginner's Guide To Farting

               by A. Hole

How To Meditate During Rush Hour

               by Tom Traffic 

Dreams and Chairs

         by Sigmund Seat

The Wizard of Nothing

By Nick Naught

Sleeping With Your Eyes Closed

by Denise Dozing

 

Wonder In Wonderland

by C. Curi Osity

A Clockwork Apple

by C. Fruit

For Whom The Bells Jingle

by Santi Claus

The Catcher In The Baseball Field

by Homer Plate

Catch-3.14159265358979323846

by Joke Heller

CLUBS, ORGANIZTIONS AND ASSOCIATIONS THAT EXIST SOMEWHERE

The Association of Lottery Losers  (ALL)



Common Sense Club  (CSC)



Bad Smells Incorporated  (BSI)



The Green Cheese Moon Society  (GCMS)



The Wholesale Holistic Poison Store



The Sickness And Death Clinic



The Future Life Regression Place



The Descended Masters' Palace



The Probiotic Robots' Colon Club


The End