ON CHAIRS

A chair walked into a bar and bartender said, "What will it be?"
The chair said, "I'll have a seat, please."
And the bartender sat down.
Satisfied, the chair left.



"How many chairs does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know."
"Two.  One chair on the floor, and the other to stand on it to change the bulb."




"Why did the chair cross the road?"
"Why?"
"Someone needed a seat on the other side."

A chair went to the dentist and the dentist said,"What are you doing here?  You have no teeth."
And the chair said, "Thanks.  I thought so, but I wanted to be sure."

Do chairs ever get sore backs?

Here are the words

Of a chair to a tree,

"As I am now,

Soon you will be."

"Hey!" screamed the bartender.  "Can I stand up now?  This blog is over."

ON FRUITCAKES

A fruitcake walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Wow! I've had priests, rabbis, ministers, salesmen, etc., walk into my bar, but never a fruitcake."
And the fruitcake said, "Are you sure that none of them were fruitcakes?"



"Why did the fruitcake cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To nut and spice on the other side."
"I don't get it."
"That's okay, neither do I."



"How many fruitcakes does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know.  How many?"
"One, but it makes itself invisible first."
"Why?"
"Because fruitcakes are considerate and know how shocked people would be of they saw fruitcakes changing light bulbs."

The bartender said, "So fruitcake, what will it be?"

But before the fruitcake answered, it looked at its cell phone's text message.

"Important?" asked the bartender.

"Yes," said the fruitcake.  "I'll be right back.  I gotta go to change a light bulb."

And the fruitcake disappeared.

CHRISTMAS QUESTIONS

Is Christmas getting close when you see red squirrels eating green nuts?



Doesn't Santa violate privacy laws by keeping a list of who is naughty and nice?



Why don't Santa and Mrs. Claus have children?  Is Santa too busy with the elves?



Should Rudolph get paid more than the other reindeer?



Do Santa's elves have a dental plan?



How old is Santa, and when is he going to retire?



Does reindeer poop contribute to climate change?



Does Santa deliver toys around the world in one night without having to go to the bathroom?



Has Santa ever used a razor?



Are Santa and Mrs. Claus renting, or do they own their North Pole home?



What is Mrs. Claus' first name?


Is it Christmas yet?
(Just 31 days away)

WHO KILLED JFK?

On Friday November 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy had his plans ruined for the day.  Who ruined JFK's plans?  Here are some theories:


Jackie Kennedy hired Donal Trump to kill her husband after JFK took out a life insurance policy.  Trump used the money to build a financial empire.


John Wilkes Booth killed JFK.  On April 14, 1865, Booth fell into a black hole which sent him to November 22, 1963.  A confused Booth shot Kennedy thinking that Kennedy was Lincoln.


Bill Cosby killed killed Kennedy.  Cosby was angry at Kennedy for sleeping with Cosby's girlfriends. 



Barack Obama killed Kennedy because JFK took Obama's birth certificate.


Aldolphus J. Klinkenbroomer killed Kennedy.  Klinkenbroomer was a loner and a loser who failed at everything he did.  Klinkenbroomer killed Kennedy to become famous.


Hillary Clinton killed JFK.  Wikileaks will release e-mails explaining why.


To get out of a loveless marriage, JFK shot himself.  To make it look as if someone else shot him, JFK skillfully used mirrors, duct tape and Silly Putty.


No one killed JFK.  Kennedy never existed.  You don't exist.  This blog does not exist.  The whole Universe is part of a CIA mind-control experiment.

ON EXCUSES

"Where's your dog?"
A homework monster ate it."



"Sorry, but I can't have you over for dinner.  I'm using my knives for something else, and can't prepare food properly," said Jack The Ripper.



"Sorry I can't come to your picnic.  During the day is not a good time for me," said Dracula. 



"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do" really means,
"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I will do. You're not rich and powerful and cannot affect my career."



"I can't write today.  My pen is in the drawer, and the paper is way over there on the shelf."



"Hi boss?  It's me.  I can't come to work today.  I have Alzheimer's disease.  And I'll have 4 Cokes as well.  How long before the pizza arrives?"



"I would love to be your leader, but I didn't get enough votes,"  said Hillary.



"I want to be honest, but I don't want to ruin it for my coworkers," said the politician.



"I would love to come up with more excuses, but I have to deliver some cokes and a pizza."

ON SNOW

Snow walked into a bar.  The bartender wiped it up because it melted.



"Why did the snow cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why?"
"It didn't cross the road.  It was tossed on the other side by someone shoveling."

Salvador Dali: How many snowmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Straight Person For This Joke: I don't know.  How many?

Salvador Dali:  Melting clocks! 



Does Santa have a red nose from the cold, or from snorting snow?

KU KLUX KLAN UPSET OVER SNOWFLAKE DATING CORNFLAKE

Donald Trump: How many snowmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Hillary Clinton: I don't know, Donald.  How many?

Donald Trump: Just one, but it has to be an American snowman made from American snow.

ON FLIES

"Why did the fly cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"It was in a pair of pants worn by a chicken."



 A fly walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
"I'll have a beer please," said the fly.
The bartender brings the fly a beer.  The fly takes one sip and spits it out.
"This beer tastes like shit!" said the fly.
"I know," said the bartender, "I thought you'd like it."

"I'm glad dogs care," said one fly to another.
"Really?  Why is that?" asked the other fly.
And the fly replied, "Because dogs give a shit."

 

A fly walked into a bar.  The bartender swatted it  and that was it.